"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River

[DM]

Post #10

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:


'I went by your grandma's house today and


I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.


Man, she is one fine looking woman!'


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:


'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


the best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad


but the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,


'I'll tell you something else, boy,

your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands up,


takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says....................


'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

 

[Adrena]

 

[oldpaintdoc]

I have this saying I use often and most people think it's funny.
Hope it is clean enough for this site, if not please delete it.

"Chuck you farley, go in your own jack yard and back off"

 

[Jibba73]

NOT AN ENTRY*
My Dad used to say, "Sis on you pister. You ain't to mucken fuch. Go back off in your own jack yard." I have been repeating that for 30 years!! ;^P

I have this saying I use often and most people think it's funny.
Hope it is clean enough for this site, if not please delete it.

"Chuck you farley, go in your own jack yard and back off"

 

[ZooKansas]

Post#5

Classified Ads;

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred

 

[pringles13]

Entry #2

 

[pringles13]

Entry #3

Gotta love glue

 

[harley41]

#7

Perils of owning your own business

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The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
-
Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

 

[pringles13]

Entry #4

I don't even want to ask....

 

[harley41]

#8) pot in the Firewood?????????????

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'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes, what can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' Pot inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no Pot They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

 

[harley41]

#9)...A practical example of how the human mind works.............
[
[/B][/B]
In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people.

Read the review after the photo...

http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp117/randallwhitman/.....jpg

- For young men, it's a nice .... Only the most observant will define this as an ... crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ... crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..



Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

 

[harley41]

#10

Creation.......................................... ..........

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests,
hills, and plains.

The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C.

Wait till you see the idiots I put there.."

 

[pringles13]

Entry #5

if this doesn't at least make you smile, something wrong with you

 

[harley41]

thats actually a new halloween pepkin......how times chance!!!

 

[mfraz25]

Number 5..(I think)

 

[Sallana]

 

[lynleestar]

I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised at how much I like the sample of Texas Watermelon~!!! Very tasty and quite the throat hit!!


Thanks for the sweet contest~!!

 

[MissP]

Morning Bump

 

[Old Guss]

Hi all, great entries by all, I am glad I am not the judge, very good stuff. This has been great seeing all this stuff in 1 place. I was not able to send out Random Winners over the weekend so just sent out a bunch of pm's. Thanks again for your entries, this is really a lot of fun. Thanks again.

 

[Jewls]

A dog walked into and bar.
He went up the the bartender and said, " I am looking for the man who shot my paw."

Yeah it early folks..lol