"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River
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a hawk spies a field mouse running along the top of a fence, suddenly he swoops down spins and catches the mouse in his ..... the hawk climbs back into the sky at around 700 ft. the mouse pops his head out and asks "how high up are we?" the hawk says "about 700 ft." the mouse replies "you wouldn't .... me would ya?"
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of driving under the influence laws. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Finally everyone left the bar and drove off, and he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Post #10
Thanks for the contest VR..love your juices!
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Post #10
Thanks for the contest VR..love your juices!
Last edited:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
#1
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
#1
Number 7.
A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski scraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. The man astonished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you now, you are a real jerk when you're drinking, Superman'
A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski scraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. The man astonished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you now, you are a real jerk when you're drinking, Superman'
I thought these two just kinda went together somehow, so I am posting them as one entry... I hope that's alright... 
Post #1
THE
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, Im writing you this letter to
tell you that Im leaving you forever. Ive been a good man to you for 7
years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been
hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today
& that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnt
even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal &
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You dont tell
me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us
as husband & wife. Either youre cheating on me or you dont love me
anymore; whatever the case, Im gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. dont try to
find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. Its true you & I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what youve been. I watch
my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping Too bad that doesnt work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a
girl! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you cant say
something nice, I didnt comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work
it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job
& bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you wont get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your
Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I dont know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thats not a problem..
THE
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, Im writing you this letter to
tell you that Im leaving you forever. Ive been a good man to you for 7
years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been
hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today
& that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnt
even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal &
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You dont tell
me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us
as husband & wife. Either youre cheating on me or you dont love me
anymore; whatever the case, Im gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. dont try to
find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. Its true you & I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what youve been. I watch
my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping Too bad that doesnt work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a
girl! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you cant say
something nice, I didnt comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work
it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job
& bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you wont get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your
Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I dont know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thats not a problem..
Post # 2
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ...
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. ... ...
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it !!!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ...
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. ... ...
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it !!!
Post #3
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or you are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.
"Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or you are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.
"Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife
Post#4 and my personal favorite!
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
Husband 1.0 seems to have impacted many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and replaced by programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. I've also noticed Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 . Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please be aware Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will automatically download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Lingerie 7.7.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
Husband 1.0 seems to have impacted many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and replaced by programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. I've also noticed Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 . Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please be aware Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will automatically download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Ever wondered how to bathe a cat without getting cut to ribbons?
Place cat in tub.
Place laundry hamper over cat. Hold firmly.
Turn on water, adjusting for pleasant temp. Hold that hamper firmly.
Add kitty shampoo.
Agitate hamper. (Do Not grasp hamper by the sides.)
Drain tub.
Add fresh water.
Agitate hamper.
Drain tub.
Keeping hamper firmly in place, use blow dryer to dry the cat.
IMPORTANT: WAIT UNTIL ALL HISSING AND GROWLING HAVE CEASED, THEN REMOVE HAMPER.
PLEASE NOTE: The cat should forgive you in about three months. Maybe. Or three years.
Disclaimer: washing cats is not recommended
Place cat in tub.
Place laundry hamper over cat. Hold firmly.
Turn on water, adjusting for pleasant temp. Hold that hamper firmly.
Add kitty shampoo.
Agitate hamper. (Do Not grasp hamper by the sides.)
Drain tub.
Add fresh water.
Agitate hamper.
Drain tub.
Keeping hamper firmly in place, use blow dryer to dry the cat.
IMPORTANT: WAIT UNTIL ALL HISSING AND GROWLING HAVE CEASED, THEN REMOVE HAMPER.
PLEASE NOTE: The cat should forgive you in about three months. Maybe. Or three years.
Disclaimer: washing cats is not recommended
In the hopes you all dont think I am cruel....
Had a siamese that decided to fall into a manure pit.....
Put her in a small wire cage for rabbits... and had to use the attachment that you spray your garden with.... you know the kind... a capfull of soap and it sprays out bubbles in a gentle shower.... then rinse
Yeah, three years....
2. StaRley Cup ChampiAns? Really now?!?
If it's "Starley" then it's also "ChampiaRs"--the "n" is done in exactly the same style in both words...
Ok, last entry... had to make it a good one.... how many of you have been here before?
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