make me laugh!
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Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks you what the heck is wrong with you.
Simply stated: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason!
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @$$hole
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) amen!!!
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @$$hole
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) amen!!!
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdtd5OeezK8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8kRazMs0ls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8kRazMs0ls
YA know what? thats a really good way of keeping yourself from vaping that juice before its properly steeped! its the usps so just select ground shipping, misspell one letter or better yet, really mess with them and put one too many stamps on it and you should deff get it back in about a month!
Three couples, one couple in early twenties another in mid 40's last in late 50's, wanted to get married by a pastor. In order to get married by him they had to join the church. He told them all to abstain from sex for three weeks. They all agreed.
At the end of the three weeks they all returned to him.
He asked the late 50's couple how they did. The reply was "We are in our late fifties so going without that in our lives is no problem." The Pastor gladly accepted them into his congregation.
He then asked the mid 40's couple the same question. The reply was "We are in our mid forties so we can go a little bit without performing marital relations. We almost didn't make it, but we willed through it." "Welcome to the congregation," replied the pastor.
He then went to the early twenties couple and asked the same question. The reply, "We are in our early twenties so we have fun quite regularly. We made it till day three, then she bent over to get a can of corn in Walmart..." The pastor retorted back in a huff, "You are not welcome back to my church." The wife replied with an evil little grin, "That's what Walmart said."
At the end of the three weeks they all returned to him.
He asked the late 50's couple how they did. The reply was "We are in our late fifties so going without that in our lives is no problem." The Pastor gladly accepted them into his congregation.
He then asked the mid 40's couple the same question. The reply was "We are in our mid forties so we can go a little bit without performing marital relations. We almost didn't make it, but we willed through it." "Welcome to the congregation," replied the pastor.
He then went to the early twenties couple and asked the same question. The reply, "We are in our early twenties so we have fun quite regularly. We made it till day three, then she bent over to get a can of corn in Walmart..." The pastor retorted back in a huff, "You are not welcome back to my church." The wife replied with an evil little grin, "That's what Walmart said."
An old man walks into a confessional, and he says: "I am 82 years old. I have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 20 year old girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."
The priest asks, "Well, are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?" the old man asks.
"What sins?!?" exclaimed the priest, aghast. "What kind of christian ARE you?"
"I'm not," replied the old man, "I'm jewish."
"Well, what are you telling ME all this for then?" asked the priest.
"I'm telling EVERYBODY," replied the old man.
The priest asks, "Well, are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?" the old man asks.
"What sins?!?" exclaimed the priest, aghast. "What kind of christian ARE you?"
"I'm not," replied the old man, "I'm jewish."
"Well, what are you telling ME all this for then?" asked the priest.
"I'm telling EVERYBODY," replied the old man.
Well really all I have to do is write a fake address and then my name and address in the "return address" for free delivery back to me lol
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks... They charged one and let the other one off
*I didn't see this one already posted, sorry bout that!
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.
old guy went to the DR he couldnt keep an erection and couldnt crap the dr prescribe him metamucel and ...... poor guy didnt know if he was coming or going
did anyone get this joke????
heres the answer- take the s out of safe and the f out of way...well there no f in way.......lol
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