T'was the night before Christmas; I'm down on my knees
Imploring the heavens to "Send someone! PLEASE!
Have pity on someone so small and defenseless
This crack in my wall is scaring me senseless!"
"It's bad enough being a wee lass alone
And hundreds of miles from a half-decent scone,
But the terrible noises I hear every night
Will soon turn my wee ginger tresses snow white!"
Then came from the garden a deafening crash
I pulled on my wellies and ran like The Flash
And saw a police box, all battered and blue,
And slowly emerging...OMG! WHAT THE WHO?!
I'd just enough breath to gasp, "Goodness gracious!"
On seeing a forehead and chin so capacious
And thick shock of hair that waved like a pennant
He looked not at all like the previous Tennant!
He said he felt peckish; Alas, "Ugh!" he cried
Whatever I buttered or boiled or fried
Like a good hostess, I didn't get flustered
When he chose to chow down on fish fingers and custard
From here on it's hazy; the next thing I know,
I'm grown up and snogging with Vincent van Gogh
(But if we're in France, then why in creation
Do all of the extras converse in Croatian?)
I choked on the smoke from Churchill's cigar
And sailed on a whale the size of a star
Encountered a Rastafacockney Queen Liz
And every mutation of monster there is
Malevolent masonry angels we tackled
And froze half to death while Toby Jones cackled
Fought overgrown lizards and dodged vampire nibblesAnd Captain Kirk thought he had trouble with Tribbles!
But strangest of all was some woman's absurd
Obsession with "Spoilers!" It's every tenth word!
The moment we met, she acted so chummy
You'd think this daft creature's convinced I'm her Mummy!
So many calamities having got
through,
A longing for Leadworth exorably grew
There life may be boring as bubble and squeak,
But it beats watching Rory die week after week
A dozen scripts later, thank God I am back
In my wee flannel nightie, and gone is that crack
The last thing I hear as I pull up the bedding:
"Bye bye, little Pond. I'll be back for your
wedding!"
...................
