need advice....

[Alatariel]

ok so you have invited someone into your house, and they are trying to take it over. what do you do?
they dont listen and/or remember what you say. but you cant tell them off or what you think because:
1. you are younger and brought up to respect your elders
2. dont like confrontation
3. have gotten so stressed its making you sick
4. you are a people please and even tho you dont like it you say yes to everything....
5. when you do try to confront them about things, they start arguing and yelling.

what to do :S
i really need help ....

 

[hairball]

You and I are different as night and day.

1. Yes I was brought up to respect my elders.

2. I don't like confrontation unless called for.

3. I would NEVER allow myself to get so stressed out that I'm sick from it.

4. I wouldn't say I'm a people pleaser. I'm opinionated. However, I don't give my opinion unless asked for.

5. I wouldn't argue...I would just yell and tell them that THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU WILL LIVE BY MY RULES (if they want to act like a child, then they get treated as such). Sorry but both of my parents and my mother-in-law don't disrespect me in such a way and vice versa. If they did, they would get both barrels shot at them (tastefully of course).

My parents raised me to be respectful but at the same time to speak what's on my mind. Somewhere through the years, I forget the respectful part but I'll be darned if I'm going to get yelled at in my own home. Stand your ground and don't back down. If the person you are arguing with knows that you eventually will, they will never let up, so again, stand your ground.

My mom and I didn't get along while I was growing up. We both are strong willed, stubborn as mules, and opinionated women. Since I left home, we get along perfectly.

Please don't misunderstand my post. For the most part, I get along with everyone, until the time calls for it to be otherwise.

 

[Fudgey]

(((((Ala))))) So sorry you are being put in this situation. Is this your relative/friend or it is a relative/friend of your hubby's?

If it is yours then I would sit them down and let them know how you feel. Tell them that you love them and don't mind them staying there but.....then tell them what is really bugging you. Tell them that they are being extremely dis-respectful by doing these things. When they start to raise their voice continue to speak in a calm tone, I know this will be very hard. If they continue to yell then tell them you can continue the conversation after they have calmed down.

If it is your hubby's relation/friend then I think he needs to be the one to talk to them. He should let them be dis-repectful to you in the first place.

I to am a people pleaser and do not like confrontation but I can only take so much before I explode and that is not healthy.

This is just my 2 cents......

 

[tmcase]

You and I are different as night and day.

1. Yes I was brought up to respect my elders.

2. I don't like confrontation unless called for.

3. I would NEVER allow myself to get so stressed out that I'm sick from it.

4. I wouldn't say I'm a people pleaser. I'm opinionated. However, I don't give my opinion unless asked for.

5. I wouldn't argue...I would just yell and tell them that THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU WILL LIVE BY MY RULES (if they want to act like a child, then they get treated as such). Sorry but both of my parents and my mother-in-law don't disrespect me in such a way and vice versa. If they did, they would get both barrels shot at them (tastefully of course).

My parents raised me to be respectful but at the same time to speak what's on my mind. Somewhere through the years, I forget the respectful part but I'll be darned if I'm going to get yelled at in my own home. Stand your ground and don't back down. If the person you are arguing with knows that you eventually will, they will never let up, so again, stand your ground.

My mom and I didn't get along while I was growing up. We both are strong willed, stubborn as mules, and opinionated women. Since I left home, we get along perfectly.

Please don't misunderstand my post. For the most part, I get along with everyone, until the time calls for it to be otherwise.

I couldn't have said it better. We are a lot alike.

 

[keyzygirl]

You have every right to be comfortable in your own home.If someone does not respect you enough to understand that then maybe it needs to be nicely explained to them.If that doesnt work they need to be given a choice.Be nice or leave.I refuse to put up with house guests that make me feel unwelcome in my own home.

 

[WomanOfHeart]

I have very definite boundaries, especially in my own home. When someone oversteps those boundaries, I WILL call them out (and possibly put them out!) I was brought up to respect my elders, but that doesn't mean letting them disrespect me. Call me a ....., but when you come into my home I expect that you're going to respect the rules of my house. If you don't like them, there's the door...don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

 

[WomanOfHeart]

ok so you have invited someone into your house, and they are trying to take it over. what do you do?
they dont listen and/or remember what you say. but you cant tell them off or what you think because:

1. you are younger and brought up to respect your elders

Respect is a two-way street until you start disrespecting me. Then it's a one-way...through the very same door that you entered. I had to do this with my mother. It was hard and it hurt, but it got my point across.

2. dont like confrontation

Confrontation is hard and let's face it, nobody really likes it. Let people know what your boundaries are and then stick by the consequences. If this means putting them out so that you can have your peaceful home back, then so be it.

3. have gotten so stressed its making you sick

Yup. Time for them to leave.

4. you are a people please and even tho you dont like it you say yes to everything....

Being a people pleaser doesn't mean at the expense of your own physical or mental health. Learn to say no and mean it. It's very empowering and there's nothing wrong with this. A mature person can handle being told no once in a while.

5. when you do try to confront them about things, they start arguing and yelling.

That's when I'd say "I'm done. This is not up for any further discussion. Pack your things and please leave my house. When you can respect me and my household, then you can call me."

I was like you once upon a time. I let everyone step all over me like I was a doormat and then I wondered why I was sick and unhappy all the time. When I started creating boundaries and enforcing them it changed my life!

There are just some things I will do and some things I won't. There are some things I will tolerate and others that I won't. Period. It's non-negotiable and not up for debate. I kicked a guy who was carpooling with me out of my car when he started treating me like a chauffeur service and he hadn't even contributed his part of the gas money...in the middle of the street...at a red light. Just like that. Get out and by the way, you owe me $10. I'll be expecting it tomorrow. He showed up the next day with the money.

 

[Lisa66]

If it is your hubby's relation/friend then I think he needs to be the one to talk to them. He should let them be dis-repectful to you in the first place.

+1 on this, if that is the case. This has been an issue in the past for me and caused a lot of resentment (on my part) when DH didn't act to resolve the issue. I felt abandoned. Only when I finally laid down the law did anything change for the better.

Regardless of the source of this problem, treat yourself as your own best friend. Be an advocate for yourself even if it may be a little scary at first. Be calm but back up your words with actions. You may be surprised at the results and it can be very freeing. I'm thinking about you, Alatariel!

 

[Mary Kay]

I suspect we are taling about your beloved Uncle. But let's call a fish a fish..after 3 days they smell!
I am going to give a bit of a different view, My mom came to live with me in her old age. To say we were always oil and water is to put it mildly. But a daughter does what she must so I had her come to live when it it obvious she couldn't cope any more. We lived 100 miles apart so visiting on a daily basis wasn't fesible.
At first we was fine but as time when on she tried to rule the roost, putter in the kitchen and move things. She was driving me nuts! Burners left on broken bottles or spilled milk, my clothes moved to her room, the bathroom products hidden..the list is endless!
I finally brought her living room furniture up to my house and since I already moved her bedroom room furniture in for her bedroom..she had a place to call her own. (we had the spare bedroom for her and a large family room for our use)
I had to sit her down and explain she now had 2 rooms of the house (we shared a bath) and she needed to leave the rest of the house alone..including the kitchen. (she had Alzheimer's and was very weak..a danger in the kitchen) We went round and round until I laid down the law..my rules or a nursing home. That cooled her jets!
One of her problems was popping in and out of bed all night, at 83 she just didn't need much sleep and she smoked. She had her own living area, she could go sit and not wake the house.
It wasn't easy, we had to deal with a mentaly challenged person day and night but we finally got it worked out.
His problem may be loss of control, boredom and a need to feel needed. His own privacy could be at issue too. See if you can't arrage more social things to do, like a golden age club, more private space and some chores..gardening comes to mind. Mom's chore was to plan some meals..she sat at the breakfast bar and shelled peas or mixed cake mix.

 

[Alatariel]

wow thanks guys, im going to try and sit down with him and talk to him.
see when i was a kid the first sign of voices being raised i learned to run and hide, so its still a little hard not to do that.

privacy isnt a problem. hes now making us look bad to my mum. saying he doesnt know where we are (when he does) when we go out. saying he's done something when he hasnt. lying to me and my mum.
im getting really bad, i upped my meds 2 days ago because i wasnt coping. mum thinks it might be time i just say i cant handle it and see if we can find somewhere else to live.

ok now i just want to explode ><

 

[Mary Kay]

So this is your uncles place? That poses a big problem!

 

[Alatariel]

no no. this is my house. he has a granny flat down the back.
the only time he comes up here is to shower, toilet, ..... or nag us or to work on his truck.

 

[Alatariel]

just to give you an idea.

things that are driving me nuts.
everything has to be done on his schedule.
he hovers
he doesn't listen
he tries to make us out to be the bad guys.
impatient
no care for other peoples space.
does not wash properly
smells all the time.
does not wash dish's properly.
expects us to tell him where we are going and how long we will be.
makes me feel like i don't cook enough food.
doesn't care about other peoples property

i have to be a mother to him…. he's 50 yrs old. i am a mother to an 8 month old i don't need a ....ing adult acting like this.

everytime i am around him i get the fire burning up inside me and i just want to explode…. i cant be around him atm...

 

[MyGGlovesme]

OMG, Ellen, , sorry to hear all it. I know you all and it's not good he uses both of you. He should live by himself. I think I should call to your mum and talk with her...what you think? Or maybe you can come only with your mum to my place when you are free. So we can talk a little about it. OMG. Why did you invite him to live at your place???