need some support.

[beckdg]

i'm saddened by the amount of people who have stories to tell and histories to share on this thread.

i'm also deeply disturbed by the assumptions and immediate outlook on this situation shared by most. i'm not saying they're wrong. i'm simply stating they're not proven or admitted.

we all know destroying someone else's property no matter what little worth it has or what the situation is is wrong. it's also obvious that finances and trust issues were contributing factors.

now, it's obvious that realsis needs support. i think it's more important to find out what kind of support realsis needs than to jump to conclusions. if everyone is right, realsis is going to need a support group and a wealth of resources to escape an abusive relationship. if she's unwilling, it's going to need a whole different approach to help her minimize risk and the idea of escape should be revisited periodically as a feeler for if/when she's ready.

though, if everyone is wrong, the situation may just require getting him some counseling to help him deal with his emotions and fears. this situation reminds me of a heavy dependence on lower brain functions. fight or flight reactions, etc.. it could just be that her husband isn't sure how to effectively accept and/or deal with certain things. if that's the case, his emotions need to be dealt with and he'll need training to learn to effectively talk through things.

either way, i think she's going to need resources.

 

[Merryhellion]

So proud of you not smoking under this stress! I would always reach for a cig the moment something happened to stress me...especially big things. Even more especially things my partner did that were disturbing in behavior. In the past, disturbing behavior led to hands around my throat as things escalated. (I was out of there before morning, with a friend as escort for me to pack my things and depart).

Rethink your situation (you probably are anyhow), and how your life will be if you accept this behavior on his part. Will it be better? Will it be a relief to just blow it off and carry on? Or will you worry in the future any time he chooses to be out of hand over something small. Personal experience has led me in the past to blow off disturbed behavior, and find someone's hands around my throat later, so I may be only looking through my own eyes on this, and not yours. Trading up partners for a winner, however, has been useful in added perspective.

You sound as if you are doing your share of the bills, and spend your own money on what you need. *cheers for you* If he wants tanks of his own he can go out and buy them. Meanwhile, have a private place for your own things and you can circumvent the issue of triggering him while you figure this out. This is not hiding, it is simply being discreet.

I can't count the new toys (hubby never smoked, but hails my vaping as a monumental improvement) that my current hubby has gotten and simply not told me about. That is his business, and the toys make him happy. He used to become upset about all the horse gear I acquired when he got me my Boy, and eventually I figured out why. I put the things I got away neatly and he never said another word. Being confronted with my purchases was the trigger for him. Simply seeing me happy without that in the way made all the difference. This was not hiding my shopping; it was acknowledging where his trigger lies and accomodating his needs not to be pushed on that button.
No confrontation, no issue. I had to examine closely whether I was dodging a bullet that would hit me later, or whether my behavior was triggering him.

I'm not counseling you to hide your toys out of fear, but to keep them neatly stowed when you replace the ones he ruined. Stash your backups in your own car, so you have something to vape on if he acts out again before you get some change in your life =) Then next time you hit a decision loop, you can go off and have a good vape about it!

feel free to PM me anytime.

Merry

 

[volume control]

I am the only income for my house and if my wife buys something and I don't notice and she gets it, I may be like well please ask next time, or I wont even care if its something small. Id never break it, crap even worst case is I was THAT mad for some dumb reason and we couldn't come to a compromise then it would at least be returned for money. Sounds like he needs counseling

 

[Tinkiegrrl]

I understand the idea of not knowing how to deal with negative emotion. I had to work though that myself for several years as I grew up believing that this kind of behavior was normal. What had me leaning towards making the assumption that control was the issue was that he kept a tank. The action of keeping one to use in front of her leaves me to believe that this is more then a situation where he is simply unable to govern his emotion. My father didn't just destroy things or hit people. There was thought behind it. He only hit my mother where it wasn't visible. What he destroyed and how he destroyed almost always had an additional hidden benefit to himself, whether material or to use as another form of control over my mother. I understand that my past experience is coloring my judgement of this one, and I understand that I do not know OP or her family. The situation however, it's familiarity to me, just has me so very concerned for her. There have been links posted on the thread to resources. I really hope she contacts someone. Reading this brought me back to "home". My childhood, as disturbing as that is... I honestly DO hope I am wrong.

 

[sc12]

Hi I did not say I had extra tanks so let me be honest. Yes I lied. But I did it because I thought he would become angry that I bought extra there were only 4 tanks. No I'm not a hoarder nor do I spend with a problem. However he is very frugal and would have seen the extra tanks as a waste and yelled at me. I was only trying to prevent a arguement. When this morning came and he saw the extra tanks I told him to take one. Instead he smashed them all and told me that's what I get for lieing. That's the story. No hidden hoarding, or extensive spending. Hope this clears it up.

Thanks for clearing it up. Under those circumstances, imo his actions were childish and wasteful. I'd have been angry, frustrated, and disheartened.

 

[realsis]

Thank you everyone. I feel very close to you all although we're never met. You all are wonderful people! I want you all to know I made it and did not smoke! Oh I wanted to but I didnt. I was feeling really down yesterday and you all helped me get through it and I appreciate it greatly. I do have a lot to consider. Today is a new day and I'm trying to stay positive. I bought a couple self help books to read that applies to my situation and I'm reading them and learning some things. I do know no matter what circumstances it is never ok to distroyed anyone's property. And when things calm down this will definitely be adressed. He's never done anything to distroyed my things before and it took me off guard and frankly it frightened me.I can't thank you all enough for your help. I'm so glad I didn't smoke. Like I said today is a new day and I'm going to try to be positive. I will eventually replace the tanks when I get enough money to do it. I just wanted to pop in and thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart! You all are so wonderful! Thanks again.

 

[cbrite]

Realsis--I have some extra tanks. Don't know what you were using, but PM me and let's see if I can help you out with a few.

 

[Ann48]

Glad there are so many who are supportive and willing to share their experiences to help the OP out, but deeply saddened that so many have the experiences to share.

Thanks JudeD. What didn't kill me made me stronger .

 

[Coelli]

Thanks JudeD. What didn't kill me made me stronger .

I was thinking the same. I was really young when all of that happened and it definitely gave me a lot of perspective going forward with the rest of my life!

 

[CKCalmer]

Glad there are so many who are supportive and willing to share their experiences to help the OP out, but deeply saddened that so many have the experiences to share.

Thanks JudeD. What didn't kill me made me stronger .

The amount of caring and support here is indeed very heartening, but not surprising based on the things I've read from these folks over the past couple of months.

What I worry about are the victims who don't survive to become stronger. A person who thinks that "just once isn't a problem", or "he loves me so much, I just want to give him another chance" could be at grave risk and never know it until it's too late. The problem is that there's never a way to predict the future, and that there's never complete certainty in trust. You can never know anyone as well as you know yourself. It's simply impossible. All you can ever know about someone is what you hear them say and what you see them do.

I'm not saying no one deserves a second chance. But whenever violence comes into a relationship, even once, it sets a higher bar of tolerance for what should be considered OK or not OK. Because violence, even once, even if it's towards an object rather than a person, is never OK. Never.

My heart goes out to every woman, here and elsewhere, who has ever been the victim of violence in a relationship.

The only times in my life I've ever felt an inclination towards violence is when I thought about what I'd like to do to any coward who hits a woman. But then I remind myself that it would make me just like them. Trying to use brutality rather than empathy to solve a problem. If everyone would just live by the golden rule, domestic violence would never exist. But that's not a reasonable expectation. So all we can do is live the best way we know how, and help those who find themselves trapped in a prison of fear any way we can.

 

[K_Tech]

My heart goes out to every woman, here and elsewhere, who has ever been the victim of violence in a relationship.

And men, for me. It happens, but even fewer people talk about it. I know of a few cases that never saw the light of day - but I've seen the bruises.

I've felt for a long time that any human being that believes violence is a solution to a disagreement doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.

Well, maybe with a rabid wolverine.

 

[Burn_notice_fan_NY]

Violence does happen against men from women and men alike. Same with rape. Unfortunately we live in a society or culture that's a double standard. 'Men can't be raped' is often a topic seen when on the news in the commentary section (especially when it deals with statutory). Same goes for physical or mental abuse. Surely a man deserves it, it's something they did.

The point being, any victim, be it man or woman, should have services available for these situations. Realsis, we support you and hope you will make decisions that are right for you. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

 

[chrisj3982]

That's messed up, I'd say crush his and see how he feels


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[CKCalmer]

And men, for me. It happens, but even fewer people talk about it.

That's a very good point. I've never been hit by a woman - not even slapped. But I have been threatened with an 8-inch chef's knife. That was enough to get a restraining order.

I'm 6'4", 200lbs. She was 5'4", 110lbs. But that wouldn't matter if she had decided to stab me while I slept.

 

[Stringplucker]

I'm not taking sides here, so please don't take this the wrong way. OP admitted to lying about the number of tanks she had. Husband got ......, and crushed those that she had.

There's something much deeper that is wrong here. Honesty MUST be the center of the relationship. Looks to me like the OP and her husband need to go through a couples therapy.

If I'm out of line and offensive to anyone with my post, no ill will was intended.

 

[CKCalmer]

If I'm out of line and offensive to anyone with my post, no ill will was intended.

I'm not offended by that at all. But I would make the point that no matter how many times she lied to him, and no matter how big the lies were, he would absolutely never be justified in destroying any of her property. Especially in front of her, which also had the very predictable effect of scaring her, whether that was intended or not. It would have scared me, too.

No one in any relationship should ever terrorize their partner. Not ever.

 

[Craybee]

I'm not taking sides here, so please don't take this the wrong way. OP admitted to lying about the number of tanks she had. Husband got ......, and crushed those that she had.

There's something much deeper that is wrong here. Honesty MUST be the center of the relationship. Looks to me like the OP and her husband need to go through a couples therapy.

If I'm out of line and offensive to anyone with my post, no ill will was intended.

while on a fundamental level i agree with your statement about honesty in relationships there's a deeper subtext that we're just not privy too … but it is suggested. as a result i interpreted her not telling him the truth as being due to fear from a history of her husband flying off the handle before. by destroying her property in front of her, he was both punishing her and challenging her. which, to me, clearly suggests she's in a psychologically abusive relationship. she's afraid of him. whether she's also in a physically abusive relationship i can't determine, but in time one usually leads to the other.

 

[SabrinaLHS8]

What he did is uncalled for. If you spent your own money (or he gifted you money/or you borrowed money with the intent of paying it back and hopefully you did if thats the case) He has No Right what so ever to break anything of yours. I have watched my mother lose half of her belongings due to my father breaking them. I have heard about the mental abuse that my grandfather gave my grandmother. It is never ok! I dont know if its listening and hearing what has happened in my family that gave me a strong back bone. I remember my fiance trying to grab me and I slammed him against the wall (He sure the heck didnt expect me to fight back). I hope that you get the help that is needed for you and for him. But most importantly YOU!
Now for what I would really do: I would have kicked him out faster then he new what hit him. If you pay his cell phone bill then I would disconnect it and tell him that he wont be using it for a month or two to pay back for the DAMAGES that he created.
I wish you the best of luck hun. Keep Vaping.