Sort of Off-Topic: Kids and Smoking

[keelalagirl55]

Agree on all points except one.....you do have a say in what happens in your house and your vehicles. Now with that said, I personally would approach it as you being a "recovering smoking addict". The temptation of it being done in your house or in your car is not fair to you personally. If she's gonna smoke, she's gonna smoke regardless, but you do have every right to not allow it in your property.....regardless if it's a step child or not. Put in such a way as to HELP you to not start up again, she will most likely respect that wish......if she wants to smoke, she can do it elsewhere Just my as a parent of a teenage boy and as a former teenage smokin gal

 

[the_vape_nerd]

She knows she cannot smoke in the house or the vehicles. We're already passed that issue.

 

[keelalagirl55]

Then all that is left, I'm afraid is up to her and her good senses.....unless bribery works with her Thoughts and prayers are with you on this one jbankston. On the bright side, she started much later and as a smart cookie, chances are in her favor. I was 14 when I started....by 17, there was nothing that was gonna stop me.....I was way hooked by then. Find all the info you can on what all the cig companies put into them (5000+ known...just what's known chemicals)....maybe that alone will scare here away when she sees that they put the same stuff in them that they preserve dead bodies with! They are not the same ciggies that my grandfather smoked....it's not just straight tobacco and paper anymore.

 

[jmpublius]

Push too far in one direction you make it worse, too much in the other and she'll find new ways to rebel since you accept the old one....

Just call me Captain Redundant.

 

[keelalagirl55]

Just call me Captain Redundant.

Okay doll....you asked for it From this point forward you shall be Captain Redundant So says.....well....you

 

[jmpublius]

At least I get to pick what I'm called for once. And I've certainly been called worse.

Seriously though---to the OP----good luck. I really sympathize with the position you're in and don't look forward to the day I'm the same place.

 

[Luma]

I know how you feel. When I was 17 you couldnt tell me ****. I made the choice to stop on my own in time. I say completely level with her. Sit down with some wine, let her have some, act like you are just another one of her friends. Talk to her like you would talk to your friends. Cuss if you need to. Try to get her to genuinely think about smoking. Cancer. Dying of cancer. Not cool.

Good luck!

 

[Morandir835]

Jmpublius sir rather refer to you by your proper screen name.

 

[SnowDragon]

Walked this mile with my oldest (stepson) and he too was an A student, varsity football player, polite, did his chores, blah, blah, blah. When I caught him smoking I laid down the law hard and heavy. I basically told him that if I ever caught him smoking or even suspected him of smoking he could start packing his bags and look for an apartment. He said, "But you smoked at my age" to which I replied I did a lot of things that weren't right at his age. So?

Parenting is not a popularity contest by any means and it is plagued with double standards. Just because there are things I do doesn't give a child at 16 or 17 carte blanche to do it. I explained that his time would come, he wouldn't live under my roof forever but until the day came when he bought his own clothes, food, gas, car insurance, he would by subject to my tyranny.

Because I made it so difficult he stopped smoking and never returned to it. At the end of the day my children know in their hearts that I love them, they also know I could careless about my poll ratings.

In any case, best of luck.

 

[stillalive]

I was raised with the whole "smoking is the devil, nicotine is evil" mindset, so personally, I would make this as much of a non-issue as possible. She's know it's not healthy. I would treat it like she's started eating a hot fudge sundae on a regular basis. Neither habit is good for your health, teeth, or pancreas, but if that's the one thing she needs to do to rebel, I would say you're lucky. My mom was an outstanding student headed to Johns Hopkins to be a doctor, then decided she needed to rebel and ended up pregnant with me. She's happy with her life, but for obvious reasons that's probably not what you want with your daughter.

It sounds like she has a lot of the responsibilities of an adult at this point and that she's handling them well. Just like she has earned the right at this point to eat what she pleases when she's not in your home, I would say she has probably earned, through her responsibility and good grades, the right to choose whether she inhales tar, ammonia, and carcinogens into her lungs occasionally when she's out by herself. It's certainly not a smart choice, but at 17, I think it's wiser to pick your battles, especially since she will be gone soon. I doubt you could truly stop her from smoking even if your wife forbade it, if she had her heart set on it.

Don't condone it, but don't make a big deal out of it. I think it's great that she told you on her own, and I would certainly encourage you to maintain and improve that kind of a relationship. I never felt like I could fully open up to my mom about anything because she didn't know how to pick her battles properly with me, so I'm envious of anyone who can confide in their parents about something like that.

Just keep in mind that smoking is not necessarily evil, even though it's very hard to quit after getting hooked. And when was the last time you heard of anyone ruining their career or family because of cigarettes? I'm sure that it COULD happen, but cigarettes are not nearly the same as alcohol, ......., ...., etc. They even seem to help some people concentrate better. Again, I would treat it like other health risks we all do to ourselves, like eating too much fast food or sugar, lying on the couch too much, or stressing out too much. Don't give this any more attention than it needs, and be sure to praise her good grades and let her know how proud you are of her for working so hard. Don't alienate her! Whatever her reasons for smoking, her life will probably be significantly safer if she knows she can go to you both for anything!

 

[been there]

Keelalagirl hit the nail on the head , the kid is smart she'll figure it out and quit, being the Father of 4, 2 step and 2 of my own I let my kids make there own decisions with in reason , because there going to do what they want any ways, thats how we learn.

 

[stillalive]

P.S. I also think if your step-daughter were 15 or younger, I would feel much differently about the issue. But she's definitely in a transition age and about to leave the nest, so I would try to preserve that relationship rather than arguing over what she can't do by a matter of months. It's not worth it, IMO.

 

[Darrigaaz]

My mother was the "cool mom" type. When I was 17, she offered to buy me any alcohol, substances, or cigarettes that I wanted, because she'd rather that if I decided to do anything, at least it'd be under her supervision.

Because I felt like I had the green light to do anything I wanted, I felt like these things couldn't be THAT bad... Eventually, I dropped out of college, got engaged to a girl the same night I met her, and woke up in some random "friend's" house where I literally didn't remember even remember what month it was. That day, everything hit home, and I realized how much I had hurt my family and myself, but it couldn't be taken back. I got myself cleaned up, but always regret taking those first steps downhill.

To this day, I wish my mom wasn't so much the "cool mom". At least my little sister got the benefits of my mom realizing that the way I was raised didn't work.

I'm not saying your child will go through the same decisions as I did, but maybe my background can help her in some way.

 

[crbrown]

My wife and I are both former smokers and now vapers. I have a 17 year old step-daughter who's recently told us that she smokes. My wife's view on this is to simply let her smoke (after a real long lecture). I don't now how I should feel about this. We won't buy them for her, nor will we pay for her to smoke them. But I and she also feel like hypocrites telling her not to smoke. And really, when I started in my teens, no adult could have told me anything to make me not try it and keep on doing it.

This child is a straight A student, with full paid scholarships already to college starting next year. She's a good kid, never in any sort of trouble, does her chores, is respectful and we've never suspected her of doing any kind of illegal drugs, though I guess at 17 tobacco is illegal for her.

Do any of you out there have any similar experiences with this? I'd like to hear from you. On the one hand I want to tell her she can't do it in my house. On the other, she's my STEP child and really the decision would end up being left to her mother.

I just feel like we should be making a bigger effort to keep her from doing this. There's also a bit of guilt we both have because she's grown us watching us smoke. How can I convince her that this just isn't cool, and not to pick up this filth habit I've struggled with for 20 years?

Please forgive me if this has already been said... I didn't take the time to read the whole thread.
I think you said it right there, let her know what it really means to smoke, how it takes over your life and what you have gone though to quiet smoking. I don't think your being hypocrites by being totally honest with her about what it means to smoke. In the end it is her decision, but maybe you could help her make an informed decision.
Good Luck

 

[Flowerlady-8898]

Just to let you know, I have had 2 children go to college, and both of them graduated, too. Just about all colleges, nowadays, do not allow smoking anywhere on the campuses, so maybe you could check out the rules about smoking, of the college that she is planning on attending. If she attends a college that strictly forbids smoking, then there is a good chance that she will give it up, or switch to vaping, which cannot be detected, in her dorm room. Just thought I would pass this on to you. Good luck, from a mother of 3, and a step-mom of 3, of which 4 out of the 6 ended up smoking.​

 

[the_vape_nerd]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their opinions here. Sometimes it helps just to kick the can around some and see what others think about things. Someone above said that if she were 15 it would be different. I think I definitely agree with that. She's only got 6 more months of legally being a child. She's been working at 3 different jobs all summer and is real responsible. And maybe there's something to be said for letting people learn from their own mistakes?

And yes, she does live under my roof. My wife does too though. And when you are only a step-parent there are certainly some boundaries to be mindful of. I just wish she'd quit. And I wish I hadn't played a part in getting her started by smoking myself.

 

[incantius]

And I wish I hadn't played a part in getting her started by smoking myself.

Now that is something you should actually tell her...in those words!

 

[firefox335]

Honestly, the last thing you want to do is come down on her too hard. That will only increase her desire to continue smoking. She sounds intelligent. At most she has 1 year before she can legally buy cigarettes anyway. Share your experiences with her. My own stepdaughter asked me about smoking once (before I had even heard of e-cigarettes) and I told her "I don't ever want to quit. But I wish more than anything that I had never started."

 

[Nana2B]

She told you she smokes so the lines of communication are obviously open. Keep telling her how much you love her, how proud you are of her & how you want to keep her safe. Never lecture as others have already said...it doesn't work for any parent step or not. I raised 2 daughters while smoking & I can tell you what the biggest complaint from them was THE SMELL. In the house, on their clothes, in their hair. Gently inform her that you can smell it in her hair (maybe after a hug)she may not be aware of that & girls want themselves & especially their hair to smell delicious.
My oldest never smoked, but her sister dabbled & I reminded her of the words I had said many times to her I AM ADDICTED TO NICOTINE, please don't do this to yourself.
I could go on & on but you've already got it from the others here. Good luck, hopefully this phase will pass soon.

 

[sqirl1]

*coming from a 20 year old*, well depending on your state (don't know what the rules are in louisiana), she'll be able to buy them in either one year or 2 years anyway, so really there's not much you can do as far as getting her to stop. I say get her a starter kit or some other, less hazardous alternative to smoking. somebody like who you're describing (which is basically me), probably doesn't smoke because they think it's cool or rebellious, but because of stress and perhaps she may even have a small degree of depression or anxiety or something to that effect, and is unknowingly self medicating. I say treat somebody like this just as you would if she were 40.