The Oldies

[FantWriter]

I have discovered that some here do not have a complete grounding in the classics, joke-wise. This is my attempt to remedy that situation:


Jane and Mary wanted to get back into shape. Aerobics classes were too expensive and gyms were too boring, so they decided to meet every morning for a swim since swimming is fun and works all the muscle groups.

The first day, they did a few laps, and then Jane sat on the side of the pool to rest. After she did another couple of laps, Mary joined Jane at poolside and was surprised to find her smoking.

"How did you do that?" Mary asked. "I know you didn't go to the locker room for your pack of cigs."

"I knew I'd want a smoke about now," Jane said. "So when I was changing into my swimsuit, I took a cigarette and a lighter and put them into a condom, tied it closed, and stuffed it into my top."

"That's great," Mary said. "I'll have to remember that."

The next morning, on her way to the pool, Mary stopped at a drugstore.

"I'd like to buy a condom," she told the pharmacist.

He thought he'd have a little fun with her, so he asked: "What size would you like?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just something that will fit over a Camel."

 

[FantWriter]

The biggest, toughest, meanest hoods in town were having a crap game, and there were tens of thousands of dollars being bet on every roll.

One guy is really cleaning up, having a streak of good luck like you wouldn't believe. When he comes out again, the dice turn up a 7, another winner, but a die falls out of his sleeve, turning up a 6.

There's absolute silence for a long time. Finally, the biggest, baddest dude there reaches out, picks up the extra die, and puts it in his pocket, then scoops up the other dice and hands them back to the shooter. "Go ahead and roll," he said. "Your point is 13."

 

[FantWriter]

A man received a parrot as a gift. It was a magnificent and beautiful bird. Unfortunately, it crudely and rudely insulted everyone it saw and almost every word it spoke was an obscenity.

The man tried everything to change the bird's habits. He played soft music to soothe it, he never let anyone use bad language around it, and he set the bird's cage in front of the tv every Sunday morning so the bird could watch the sermons. Sadly, nothing worked, and the bird remained as offensive as ever.

One day, the bird insulted the man's new girlfriend, using words to crude and disgusting that the woman slapped the man and stormed out, vowing to never see him again.

The man flipped out. He shouted at the bird. The bird yelled back. He picked the bird up and shook it. The bird started screaming obscenities at the top of its lungs.

In desperation, the man shoved the parrot into the freezer and slammed the door.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he'd hurt the bird, the man opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto his outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my coarse language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

The man was stunned. As he was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change in the bird's attitude, the parrot said, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[FantWriter]

A judge was being given a tour of a psychiatric center where defendants were often evaluated.

"Tell me, doctor," the judge said. "What is your primary way of determining whether or not a person is mentally competent?"

"We fill a bathtub with water and hand the person a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and tell them to empty the tub," the doctor said.

"Ah, I see," said the judge. "A person who is thinking clearly will use the bucket since it's the biggest."

"No," said the doctor, eyeing the judge suspiciously. "A person who is in full possession of their faculties will pull the plug."

 

[FantWriter]

The world is round; it has no point.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

In the good old days, a suspicious package left unattended would be stolen in a heartbeat.