Working for a company is like being in a tree full of monkeys. The monkeys closer to the top see only smiling faces when they look down, and the monkeys at the bottom see only big &rses!
The Super Colossal Mega Herculean Juice Give Away!!!!!!!!!!! PIF Birthday Contest!
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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
“How can the three of you travel on one ticket?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers’ technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all!
“How in the hell are you going to pull this off?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. “Ticket, please!”
“How can the three of you travel on one ticket?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers’ technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all!
“How in the hell are you going to pull this off?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. “Ticket, please!”
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
Okay - I know "Humour" is purely subjective . . .
AND - I also know some people will get this and some others will not . . .
However - If you really think about this - although it relates to a very sad state of affairs - it is quite Ironic & "FUNNY" . . .
AND - I also know some people will get this and some others will not . . .
However - If you really think about this - although it relates to a very sad state of affairs - it is quite Ironic & "FUNNY" . . .
I don't know which is funnier - Your Choice . . .
However, here is some Afterlife "Humour," especially if you're not already DEAD . . .
However, here is some Afterlife "Humour," especially if you're not already DEAD . . .
- Navigate over to Google. (the main page, not the search bar in your browser)
- In the search field, type the following phrase without the quotes: "Find Chuck Norris" But instead of hitting the search key, try the button that reads, "I'm feeling lucky."
Do at your own risk!!!
- In the search field, type the following phrase without the quotes: "Find Chuck Norris" But instead of hitting the search key, try the button that reads, "I'm feeling lucky."
Do at your own risk!!!
Last edited:
Entry #1
A man walks into a bar and sees an octopus sitting on the last bar stool.He starts laughing and says "What the hell is an octopus doing here?"
The bartender says to him "That octopus is a virtuoso and can play ANY musical instrument known to man.You need to treat him with respect in my bar"
The man says "Ill bet you a hundred dollars he cant play an electric guitar" The bartender says "Youre on!", he reaches behind the bar and plugs the guitar into an amp before handing it to the octopus, who starts shredding it.The octopus feels all over the guitar and then starts playing Jimi Hendrix.
The man's jaw drops and he reluctantly hands over 100 bucks.
A week goes by and the man is determined hes going to get his money back .He has a friend help him wheel in a baby grand piano and he bets the bartender 200 bucks the octopus cant play it.
The octopus looks at it and starts feeling the keys before playing the most beautiful Chopin either of them has ever heard.
Dejected, the man hands over 200 bucks and walks away muttering to himself and vowing that he'll get even.
A couple more weeks go by and the man walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes and sets them down in front of the octopus.
He turns to the bartender and says "This is the last time I'm coming in here.I'll bet you 500 bucks the octopus cant play these bagpipes like a real Scottsman.
Once again the bartender says "Youre on!" and nods to the octopus.
The octopus starts feeling all over the bagpipes and picks them up, holding them against itself and nothing happens.
The Octopus continues to feel over the bagpipes for a couple of minutes without any music until the bartender nudges him and says "Are you going to play those damn things or not?"
The octopus blinks up at him a couple of times and says "Play her? Im going to have sex with her as soon as I can figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
A man walks into a bar and sees an octopus sitting on the last bar stool.He starts laughing and says "What the hell is an octopus doing here?"
The bartender says to him "That octopus is a virtuoso and can play ANY musical instrument known to man.You need to treat him with respect in my bar"
The man says "Ill bet you a hundred dollars he cant play an electric guitar" The bartender says "Youre on!", he reaches behind the bar and plugs the guitar into an amp before handing it to the octopus, who starts shredding it.The octopus feels all over the guitar and then starts playing Jimi Hendrix.
The man's jaw drops and he reluctantly hands over 100 bucks.
A week goes by and the man is determined hes going to get his money back .He has a friend help him wheel in a baby grand piano and he bets the bartender 200 bucks the octopus cant play it.
The octopus looks at it and starts feeling the keys before playing the most beautiful Chopin either of them has ever heard.
Dejected, the man hands over 200 bucks and walks away muttering to himself and vowing that he'll get even.
A couple more weeks go by and the man walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes and sets them down in front of the octopus.
He turns to the bartender and says "This is the last time I'm coming in here.I'll bet you 500 bucks the octopus cant play these bagpipes like a real Scottsman.
Once again the bartender says "Youre on!" and nods to the octopus.
The octopus starts feeling all over the bagpipes and picks them up, holding them against itself and nothing happens.
The Octopus continues to feel over the bagpipes for a couple of minutes without any music until the bartender nudges him and says "Are you going to play those damn things or not?"
The octopus blinks up at him a couple of times and says "Play her? Im going to have sex with her as soon as I can figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
Entry #1
So a new department store aimed specifically towards single women,has been found in existance, its called JC Mennies. The stores premise is to allow a woman to find the perfect mate by visiting one of its six floors. The only catch, while you can go up to each floor you can never go back down to a previous floor.
So a lady decides shes going to find her the perfect mate, she cant stand all the losers she has dated in the past and goes to JC Mennies to find her "soul mate"
After reading the rules set down by the store shes hops on the elevator and goes to floor 1.
The door opens and the sign says:
Floor 1: All these men have jobs. Great she thinks, a man needs a steady job to help with the responsibilities but im curious to know whats on the other floors and goes to floor number 2.
Floor 2: The second door opens and the sing says:All these men have jobs, and love kids. Wow even better she thinks to herself, both attractive qualities, but i wonder whats on the next floor, so she goes to floor #3
Floor 3:On the third floor the sign says: All these men have jobs, love kids, and are very handsome. Well hell she says this keeps getting better, and look at all the guys they are very attractive, but there still 3 more floors left, and being the curious woman i am, ill go up another floor.
Floor 4: The doors open and the sing reads, All these men have jobs, love kids, are very handsome, and have money. JACKPOT!!!!!!!!!! she thinks to herself, i mean really how much better could this be....although there is one thing missing i guess....and up to floor 5 she goes.
Floor 5: The doors open, the sign reads: All these men have job, love kids, are very handsome, have money , and are great lovers. Ecstatic the woman is over come with joy, she cannot believe the creme of the crop she has before her...but a thought strikes her...theres one floor left, the Ultimate man must exist on this floor. In a rush she jumps into the elevator and goes to floor six.
Floor 6: The doors open slowly in anticipation, shes giggly and over excited for what lies before her, when the doors finally open the room is empty....all that stands is a lonely sign that reads:
There are no men on floor 6, this just goes to show that not matter what some women have they are never satisfied with what they got!
Over 650 billion served!
So a new department store aimed specifically towards single women,has been found in existance, its called JC Mennies. The stores premise is to allow a woman to find the perfect mate by visiting one of its six floors. The only catch, while you can go up to each floor you can never go back down to a previous floor.
So a lady decides shes going to find her the perfect mate, she cant stand all the losers she has dated in the past and goes to JC Mennies to find her "soul mate"
After reading the rules set down by the store shes hops on the elevator and goes to floor 1.
The door opens and the sign says:
Floor 1: All these men have jobs. Great she thinks, a man needs a steady job to help with the responsibilities but im curious to know whats on the other floors and goes to floor number 2.
Floor 2: The second door opens and the sing says:All these men have jobs, and love kids. Wow even better she thinks to herself, both attractive qualities, but i wonder whats on the next floor, so she goes to floor #3
Floor 3:On the third floor the sign says: All these men have jobs, love kids, and are very handsome. Well hell she says this keeps getting better, and look at all the guys they are very attractive, but there still 3 more floors left, and being the curious woman i am, ill go up another floor.
Floor 4: The doors open and the sing reads, All these men have jobs, love kids, are very handsome, and have money. JACKPOT!!!!!!!!!! she thinks to herself, i mean really how much better could this be....although there is one thing missing i guess....and up to floor 5 she goes.
Floor 5: The doors open, the sign reads: All these men have job, love kids, are very handsome, have money , and are great lovers. Ecstatic the woman is over come with joy, she cannot believe the creme of the crop she has before her...but a thought strikes her...theres one floor left, the Ultimate man must exist on this floor. In a rush she jumps into the elevator and goes to floor six.
Floor 6: The doors open slowly in anticipation, shes giggly and over excited for what lies before her, when the doors finally open the room is empty....all that stands is a lonely sign that reads:
There are no men on floor 6, this just goes to show that not matter what some women have they are never satisfied with what they got!
Over 650 billion served!
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to crap yourself" chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your .... cheeks WILL fall off!!! Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as "Thunder and Lightning!" Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but I didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my "Nether Region."
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun!!! Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal @$$-plosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my .... is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
, then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off laughing again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. claim they're going to have to repaint the store!
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to crap yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your .... cheeks WILL fall off!!! Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as "Thunder and Lightning!" Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before Icould take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but I didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my "Nether Region."
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun!!! Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal @$$-plosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my .... is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
, then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off laughing again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. claim they're going to have to repaint the store!- Status
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