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1. "I started with a blu/volcano/ripoff mall kiosk trap" >
Loved your post. One point, however, since you are addressing newbies. Volcano models come in several flavors, the Volcano (little guy and not worth your time), the Magma (a 510), Magma Mega (510 longer battery life), and Inferno - which is in the class of at least #4 with a 1000 mah battery and tons on vape plume. Just didn't want the company name to be put in the same category as that first ecig offering by the same name sold by the same company. And, be sure you're getting a manual battery so you have the options - (a) cart + atty or (b) cartomizer or (c) atty + drip tip so you can try them all.
I just made up two kits for Xmas presents. I gave one both a set of Magma Mega 510's and a set of Inferno's - reason: she needs something she can smoke and walk to work with (510- Magma Mega) that is good, doesn't look like a cigarette, and doesn't look like a strange drug device. The Inferno is for home and out and about when she doesn't mind using the larger Inferno.
2nd person got set of Tornados because they were on sale and I was only getting this person one kit (in class #4).
I think this was a good post and laughed a lot at your description, thanks for that.