Tell this one to your spouse as they are heading into the kitchen:
I am going to show you the meaning of sensuous.
Sensuous up, get me a beer.
I am going to show you the meaning of sensuous.
Sensuous up, get me a beer.
VaporJunction LEO Giveaway 2 - Post your favorite Joke - Win a Silver LEO
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Tell this one to your spouse as they are heading into the kitchen:
I am going to show you the meaning of sensuous.
Sensuous up, get me a beer.
My friend use to say that all the time! lol
I told a co-worker this and she went home and told it to her husband. He told her he didn't want her to talk to me anymore, LOL. (He was joking of course . . . but I know he was a little serious.
)
Did you hear about the Hospital that started using the foreskin from circumcisions to make eyelids for kids that were born without eyelids,they had to stop,cause when the kids grew up they were cockeyed-----------I know it's corny,but I like short and simple,to lazy to type to much
"Pete and his cousin Jimmy were out fishing together on a boat in the middle of nowhere..
Jimmy suddenly had to take a leak, so he unzipped his trousers had gabbed himself with four fingers and took care of business.
Astonished, Pete thought how nice it would be to hung like that.
Later that night . Pete and his buddy Jason were in a bar, and they went into the restroom to take a leak..
While standing at the urinal Pete confessed, I wish I was hung like my cousin Jimmy. He needs four fingers to hold his.
Jason looked over and pointed out, But you're holding yours with four fingers.
I know, said Pete, but I'm pissing on three of them.
Hahahhahhaaha
Jimmy suddenly had to take a leak, so he unzipped his trousers had gabbed himself with four fingers and took care of business.
Astonished, Pete thought how nice it would be to hung like that.
Later that night . Pete and his buddy Jason were in a bar, and they went into the restroom to take a leak..
While standing at the urinal Pete confessed, I wish I was hung like my cousin Jimmy. He needs four fingers to hold his.
Jason looked over and pointed out, But you're holding yours with four fingers.
I know, said Pete, but I'm pissing on three of them.
Hahahhahhaaha
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Inexperienced Chili Taster visits Texas
Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester called Al, who was visiting Texas from Minnesota. This is how Al reported his experience:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards for the 8 Chili's that were submitted for judging by Mike, Arthur, Fred, Bubba, Linda, Vera, Susan and Lester.
Chili # 1 Mike's Mild Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
AL: Crikey, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
AL: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
AL: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Hey, the beer is good stuff.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
AL: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. lady is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
AL: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really cheeses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Crazy rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
AL: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that .... Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my mouth with a snow cone!
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
AL: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Stuff it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Lester's Last Of The Red-Hot Lover's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester called Al, who was visiting Texas from Minnesota. This is how Al reported his experience:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards for the 8 Chili's that were submitted for judging by Mike, Arthur, Fred, Bubba, Linda, Vera, Susan and Lester.
Chili # 1 Mike's Mild Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
AL: Crikey, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
AL: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
AL: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Hey, the beer is good stuff.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
AL: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. lady is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
AL: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really cheeses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Crazy rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
AL: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that .... Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my mouth with a snow cone!
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
AL: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Stuff it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Lester's Last Of The Red-Hot Lover's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Fireyone's vape joke;
Everyone thinks I've either developed a rare and disgusting medical problem or become incredibly perverted because I can sometimes be caught muttering to myself trying to remember where I left my condoms and .... plugs 'cause I need them to keep from spraying the walls with juice when I do my Taryn spin.
Everyone thinks I've either developed a rare and disgusting medical problem or become incredibly perverted because I can sometimes be caught muttering to myself trying to remember where I left my condoms and .... plugs 'cause I need them to keep from spraying the walls with juice when I do my Taryn spin.
So a pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey mate, why do you have a ship's wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies "Arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!".
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Thanks to everyone that submitted an entry.
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