Win A Free E-Cig

[freddo]

Here's your chance to win a free supermini try me cig from my store mistEliquid - the finest e liquid and e cigarette for the finest price!

Best joke gets the prize! Your only allowed to post one joke so make it a goodun! Good luck!

 

[j0ker]

Should I win I forfeit my prize to the member posting below me.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf

course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around,

he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his

confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.



She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind

me, so you must be on the 6th hole."



He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine,

the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.



She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me,

so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to

his play.



He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw

the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he

knew the lady.



The bartender said that she was a saleslady and played the

course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in

appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales

profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"



She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."



"No, I won't," he responded.



"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."



With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath

while his sides ached and his face turned bright red.



She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."



"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a
salesman for Preparation H... so I'm still a hole behind you."

 

[Bigfoot1214]

That's a good one Joker

 

[mmkeebler]

The best joke I can think of: The FDA and their claims. ;o)
See ya 'round the boards <3

 

[asd]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[DeniseN]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.??
She sat down under a sign that said,
The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.?
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[SuZamme]

There once was a fellow named Meen
Who invited a sex machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could serve either sex
And entertain itself in between.

 

[sensay]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says "what are you doing?" - and they say "we're saving it for later!"

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says "What size? small, medium, or large?" She said "I dont know... one to fit a camel?"


lol also another reason to stick with the ecigs he he he

 

[Bella Chic]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super .....!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Ok, so my friend and I read this over and over and over again and then we finally got it and could not stop laughing. I still love this joke, makes me laugh every time

 

[DeniseN]

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing

in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?' asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

Did you help him?' she asks.

No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain..

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are yo u still there?'

Yes, comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?' asks the husband..

Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

 

[KPKicker]

A young man was hitchhiking across the country from California to New York.

He had been enjoying some pretty good luck getting rides for the first part of his journey, but now was in Kansas and seemed to be having some difficulty. There was very little traffic and what traffic there was didn't seem interested in stopping.

Until a red pick up came along. The truck pulled over, the driver swung the door open and asked "What political party are you?"

The young man proudly says "I'm a Democrat!"

The driver, reaches over and slams his passenger door shut and drives off. Leaving the young man in the dust.

About an hour later, a brand new Lincoln MKZ comes down the highway and pulls over. The driver swings the passenger door open and asks "What political party are you?"

The young man, with some trepidation in his voice, replies "I'm a Democrat."

And again, the driver slams the passenger door shut, peels out and zooms away with out picking up the young man.

It doesn't take long for his next prospect to come along. Except this time, the driver is a young, beautiful woman driving a new Porsche Carrera GT convertible. The lovely young woman pulls over and asks "What political party are you?"

This time, the young man proudly states "I'm a Republican!"

She beckons him to her vehicle and they drive off.

As they are going down the highway, the young man notices the lovely woman's already short skirt starting to work it's way up her leg. Minute by minute, the skirt continued to move further and further up until he could finally see her whole thigh.

The young man screams "STOP THE CAR! I WANT OUT!". The driver looks at him with a puzzled expression and asks "Why?"

He says "I've only been a Republican for 5 minutes and already I feel like screwing somebody!"


-With apologies to my Republican friends and family

 

[ecitek]

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking through an alley and come across a young, naked boy chained to a fence.

The priest says "Let's screw him!"

The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

 

[Hellen A. Handbasket]

A blonde woman is speeding along the highway, when she suddenly hears sirens and pulls over.

A blonde female cop gets out of the patrol car, and asks the blonde driver for her drivers license.

The blonde driver pulls out her purse and rummages around. After a few minutes, she pulls her hand out, and with a frustrated look on her face asks the cop what a drivers license is.

"It's a rectangle with your picture on it" replies the cop.

"Oh, alright" replies the driver, and she puts her hand into her purse and pulls out her mirror.

The blonde cop grabs the mirror, looks at it and says "Oh, I'm sorry, I didnt know you were a cop!"

 

[PopTart]

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

 

[Chriswerx]

LMAO! Ok, my vote is for Hellen's joke!

 

[pdssoft]

In a small town east of the Mississippi lived three friends, Bubba, Herbie and Elliott. One evening while Bubba was alone at home, he accidentally fell asleep with a lit cigarette. Unfortunately Bubba did not survive the fire that engulfed his home.

Although it was apparent to the local sheriff that the burnt remains were Bubba, he elected to have Herbie and Elliott come to the coroner's office to identify the body; simple as a formality. Herbie walked into the coroner's office first.

"Look Herbie, we just need a quick confirmation; for the record. Can you identify Bubba for us?" Asked the Sheriff.

Herbie stared at the body, "He's really burned up, ain't he?" Herbie stated. After examining the body for a moment, he asked, "Can you turn him over?" The sheriff and coroner were confused, but fulfilled the request and rolled Bubba over.

"Nope!" Herbie stated, "That ain't Bubba." He finished and walked out of the room.

The sheriff was confused but elected to bring Elliott in for his assessment. Elliott peered at the burnt body and asked "Can you turned him over?"

Again, the sheriff and coroner were confused but did as Elliott asked.

"Nope!" Elliott stated, "That ain't Bubba." He finished and walked out of the room.

The sheriff was extremely confused and began to get angered as he quickly followed Elliott out of the office to the waiting room where Herbie still waited. "Look guys" The sheriff began, "We are confident this is Bubba, why don’t you think it is?" he asked.

Elliott's eyes widened as he replied, "Well, Bubba had two a$$holes, and that burned up body don't."

Herbie nodded his head in agreement of Elliott's statement, "Yep, Bubba had two a$$holes."

The sheriff shook his head, he was totally confused, "What are you talking about?" he questioned, "Why in the world would you think that."

Herbie chuckled a bit as he replied, "Well, I ain't never seen it myself, but every time the three of us were walkin' down the street, everybody would say 'There goes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"

 

[Raven_Blackblade]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.

 

[Juan]

What did the Leper say to the the prostitute
...
...
...
...
...
"You can keep the tip"

 

[StormFinch]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[SailCat]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club were all aghast.

At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continued to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replied.

"What, did you tell her - that you were only 50?"

Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."