When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Norm Crosby
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
- Bob Newhart
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen Degeneris
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
- Stephen Colbert
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper
Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
- Dame Edna
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Phillips
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

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