A Smile for you

[Mary Kay]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

=====================================

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama ' s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
=====================================

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey
=====================================

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
=================================

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
===================================

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.' --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.===================================

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
=====================================

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
============================================

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
====================================

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.' -- Dan Quayle
=====================================

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?' --Lee Iacocca
======================================

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
=======================================

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
====================================

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
====================================

'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' --Keppel Enderbery
======================================

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
==========================

Sorry the pictures didn't post.

 

[BrenYngOne]

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".. and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"


DISCLAIMER:
I have no personal knowledge of any of these

Have personal knowledge.from quite a few years ago LOL... go in late at night around 2 am after the bar closes... with a girlfriend and start bouncing around on hippity hops in the toy department... never laughed so hard....

 

[Kelly79]

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

Thanks, I really needed that, first real laugh I've had in weeks!

 

[Kelly79]

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde; he immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know, he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, says the guy, how about nuclear power?"

"OK, says the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But Let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me,says the blonde. How is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***t?"

OH too GOOD I love it, they underestimate us blondes!

 

[Kelly79]

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.


hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,
Bubba


PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.



Employer's response:.....


Dear Bubba,
It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

As they used to tell women, "Don't worry honey, just stand there and look pretty"

 

[Mary Kay]

On an ad for the Jay Leno show he asked a lady, "who lives in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."? She said "I didn't know". Then he asked "who lives in a pineapple under the sea"? She said brightly "Spongebob Square pants!"
She has little kids or is a dimwit!

 

[Kelly79]

Questions That Really Bug Me

Can you cry under w ater?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".... but it's only a " penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
​

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? ​

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
​

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from ......?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ....?

​

OMG sh*** I can't...stop..laughign...my cheeks hurt. OMG I haven't laughed this hard in at least a year, maybe longer.

 

[Kelly79]

Wow, I just realized when I laugh really hard I sound just like my mom, the reason I just realized that is I have never laughed so long and hard in my life before reading this thread from start to finish in one sitting. THANK YOU ALL, now I know what the fuss is all about!

 

[Kelly79]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[Kelly79]

Money Talks!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Biting Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

Dress Shop Burglary
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

 

[Kelly79]

Clean the Mouse
How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

 

[Kelly79]

How to Know where a Driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

Sliding all over the icy road with no idea how to stop: Military, stationed in Alaska driving in winter

Driving really slow having learned from above listed experience, even though the roads have been plowed and are no longer icy: Military, stationed in Alaska driving in winter

Driving a big ole' truck with a plow on the front, one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone, cruisin' at an easy 55 and not phased by periodic stretches of black ice and ice fog so thick it looks like a chain-vaping convention: Alaska year-round resident

Sitting in the back seat wearing summer shorts and tank tops in mid-winter: An Alaskan on Vacation, taking a taxi.

 

[Mary Kay]

I was behind the blue haired lady just today!

Women's T-Shirt Sayings


Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

 

[Kelly79]

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

Oh Yeah! I love that one...that's how I feel about everybody...'cept my kiddos...I am NOT a people person lol.

 

[Mary Kay]

None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff​

Are you tired of those​

sissy 'friendship' poems​

that always sound good,​

but never actually come close​

to reality?​

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of​

True Friendship.​

You WON'T see ​

cutesy little smiley faces​

on this card-​

Just the stone cold truth​

of our great friendship.​

1. When you are sad,​

I will jump on the person​

who made you sad​

like a spider monkey​

jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!​

​

2. When you are blue,​

I will try to dislodge​

whatever is choking you.​

​

3. When you smile,​

I will know you are​

plotting something​

that I must be involved in.​

​

4. When you're scared,​

we will high tail it out of here.​

​

5. When you are worried,​

I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse​

it could be until you​

quit whining, ya big baby!!!!​

​

6. When you are confused,​

I will use little words.​

​

7. When you are sick,​

Stay away from me​

until you are well again.​

I don't want whatever you have...​

​

8. When you fall,​

I'll pick you up​

and dust you off--​

After I laugh my rear off!!​

​

9. This is my oath...​

I pledge it to the end.​

'Why?' you may ask;​

-- because you are my FRIEND!​

***********************
Friendship is like ...... your pants,​

everyone can see it,​

but only YOU​

can feel the​

true warmth.​

 

[beatlebandaide]

A laugh for today....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, ****, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go home."

I almost hyperventilated from this one! LMAO
I'm a children's counselor/case manager.

 

[Kelly79]

bumpity bump bump...Hey MK how do we get this thing stickied, it's the best.

 

[Mary Kay]

We will sticky it for a while, but you guys need to add to it!

 

[Kelly79]

When good ideas go bad...

Yep that's my baby, what can I say he loves frozen yogurt, too bad for him we got to it first lol.

 

[Kelly79]