A Smile for you
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I doubt it too, but it's who he is in his mind..I sure like the way his mind works!
I doubt it too, but it's who he is in his mind..I sure like the way his mind works!
lol yeah yum.
Just to make y'all smile I'll share some of the humor I bought for my sailor today.
From Readers Digest by Frank Ferri
What if musicians ran the country? Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
FDA: Red Hot Chilli Peppers
DEA: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Managment and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Letterman
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
From Readers Digest by Frank Ferri
What if musicians ran the country? Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
FDA: Red Hot Chilli Peppers
DEA: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Managment and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Letterman
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
Another Readers Digest Funny
I was teaching the story of Lazarus to my Sunday school class. "After his death, many people gathered to console Mary and Martha," I said. "They treated Lazarus's body, wrapped him, and laid him in the tomb. After four days of mourning, Lazarus stood up and walked out of the tomb. Now, what do you think those people were thinking then?"
One of my students spoke up:"All that work for nothing." -Rebecca Nueskein
I was teaching the story of Lazarus to my Sunday school class. "After his death, many people gathered to console Mary and Martha," I said. "They treated Lazarus's body, wrapped him, and laid him in the tomb. After four days of mourning, Lazarus stood up and walked out of the tomb. Now, what do you think those people were thinking then?"
One of my students spoke up:"All that work for nothing." -Rebecca Nueskein
From Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader The Best of the Best Edition (though I most certainly don't read it in the bathroom ew)
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Q: How did you get here today?
A: I had a friend bring me.
Q: The friend's name?
A: We call him Fifi.
Q: To his face?
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Q: How did you get here today?
A: I had a friend bring me.
Q: The friend's name?
A: We call him Fifi.
Q: To his face?
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably
never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking
this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said,
"No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are e coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good
things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas
leaks, and they blame their dog.
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably
never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking
this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said,
"No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are e coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good
things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas
leaks, and they blame their dog.
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the
trees for three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."
The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend
over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the .... "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the
trees for three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."
The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend
over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the .... "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.
Welcome to ECF and The Women's Room Debbie! That joke was a bit risque for us!
Gotta P.G. it..
Glad you joined us, please feel free to join in anywhere. There is a wonderful group of goof balls in here.
Gotta P.G. it..Glad you joined us, please feel free to join in anywhere. There is a wonderful group of goof balls in here.
Welcome to the Women's room Debbie. Hopefully ya found somethin soft to land on when you slid down the trap.
and some tasty trap "bait" too!
Can't ..somebody ate all my chocolate! here I was fishing..luring..inviting, yeah that's it..ladies to join us tonight and I had NO lure bait! You guys are evil!
Can't ..somebody ate all my chocolate! here I was fishing..luring..inviting, yeah that's it..ladies to join us tonight and I had NO lure bait! You guys are evil!
*sneaks to the lure container and replaces the chocolate*...*whistling*
Someone had to remind me,
so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.....It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards 70!
1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be
released first.
3..
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.
4.
People call at 9 PM and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out..
8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9.
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.
10.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge..
12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13.
You sing along with elevator music.
14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.
15 .
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.
And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
Forward thisto everyone
you can remember
right now!
so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.....It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards 70!
1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be
released first.
3..
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.
4.
People call at 9 PM and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out..
8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9.
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.
10.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge..
12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13.
You sing along with elevator music.
14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.
15 .
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.
And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
Forward thisto everyone
you can remember
right now!
ONE MORE THING:
Never, under any circumstances
take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night!!!
take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night!!!
Sorry it took so much room, but I had to include the size!
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