A Smile for you

[Kelly79]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

 

[Kelly79]

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

 

[Michele]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

ROFL...I gotta tell my sister that one...well...maybe I'll show her. I'm terrible at jokes. I ALWAYS forget the punchline.

 

[BARENETTED]

OK - this is very old but a true story.

Years ago, I palyed softball with woman who ran a daycare/preschool.
She was asking the children 'What does your Father do?'

She asks one and he replies: 'My Father is a plumber'.
She asks another and she replies: 'My Father is a carpenter'.
This goes on for a while and she asks a little girl - 'and what does your Father do?' The little girl replies ' I am not sure, Miss Anna, but I think he is a jerk *ff'.

Mothers - watch what you call your DH in front of the children!

 

[Moonbeat]

I posted this in general once but I'll put it here for us too!

YouTube - Jeff Dunham and Achmed the Dead Terrorist - Spark Of Insanity

 

[beatlebandaide]

I can see the guys now...

 

[BARENETTED]

OK - I am not saying it is not funny - it is. Unfortunately, I think most things are funny.

However - Drewsworld posted this upstairs. It got shut down because it offended certain people.

 

[Mary Kay]

My brother in law sent that to me too!
I declined and wouldn't let Mike sit outside with a six pack..we are not in any way unpatriotic, I just don't have a strutting around the neighborhood kind of figure anymore and Mike has a bad heart..wouldn't do to have him too stressed out at this time! I hope you understand, please feel free to conduct the "protest" without us.
MK
The only terrorists we have around here are the 4 footed kind that knock over garbage cans.
If you would edit out the one word, This would be a funny joke..as always, Religous comments are frowned upon. And quoting it doesn't help.

 

[BARENETTED]

Mary - you always leave me saying 'whaaaa'

What is knocking over garbage cans in FLA?

 

[BARENETTED]

Mary - you really are very funny.

I think you could be a replacement for Erma Brombeck. Seriously!

 

[Kate51]

Hil, you're absolutely right, there is especially one sentence I should have changed, but meant absolutely no offense to any race, gender, or creed.
Any one remember some of those awful Norwegian jokes!! Pollack jokes!!
(I got some, should dig them out, probably would get banned)

 

[BARENETTED]

Kate - I know full well you meant no harm. For sure, you did not offend me (even though I am of Middle Eastern descent - not Muslim though - Byzantine Rite of the Catholic Church ). I call a spade a spade and a joke a joke.

I just didn't want them to close this thread on us. There are tons of ethnic jokes out there and I happen to think they are all funny. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves. Oh and lets not forget the Blonde jokes. How come no one gets 'offended' at those? FYI - I am definitely not Blonde!

 

[Mary Kay]

When my kids were small, they would come home with jokes, all kinds! I told them to subsitute the offending word with dummy (as in a ventiloquists dummy) and if the joke was still funny then they could tell it with the word dummy in it.
Boy did that ruin a lot of jokes that should have been trashed in the first place. It taught them that people do not need to hurt someone else to be funny. I wish some comedians would learn that lesson!
I love funny stuff, I don't mean to be heavy handed but I firmly believe if you laugh or ignore..instead of correcting, then you perpetuate the evil. Change a word or two, make it funny, then we can all relax and laugh!
Rant over..now back to our show!

I love Puns..get over it and go with the flow!

A grandson's coffee

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
***********************************
A very happy psychic

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
*************************************
Doctor goes to a bar

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

 

[Mary Kay]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'Hain't got no license. Y'all must understand, these are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yes sir. Every night, I take them down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these ice chests here and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show you. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
.........

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as the government man.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north, do ya?

 

[Kate51]

BANK ACCOUNT!!!

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed
each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and
shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing
home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing
home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
Description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had
been hung on his window.
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having
just been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the
parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be
thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the
new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time
in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the
bank account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.
I am still depositing.

 

[beatlebandaide]

Clean the Mouse
How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

I JUST LOL'd AND WOKE MY MOM UP! haha

 

[Mary Kay]

Is this your story ????????????????



CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY

• IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
  
  If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
  
  My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
  
  My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
  
  But here's the worst of it --
  
  

• Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

 

[Mary Kay]

Men are like....


1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.


3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.








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[Ryle]

Before someone scolds me.. I had to do it.. figured this was a good place.. it did make me smile after all

e-cigarette-forum.com • The place for electronic cigarette reviews, news and chat - View Profile: brownbrown4

 

[BARENETTED]

Ryle - NICE! - You think that is really him? YUM!

Hey - did any of you see the post upstairs about Elendil's avitar??