CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[mac63]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

[spacekitty]

A guy walks into a bar and announces " Hey, I got a great new stupid drummer joke!"
The bartender says "Let me stop you right there son. You see that karate black belt hangin' up behind the bar? That's mine. And I play the drums.
See that mean lookin' feller in the Harley t-shirt? That's my brother - and HE plays the drums.
And that big ugly old guy in the corner with the big scar across his face?
That's my Pa - and he plays the drums.
NOW, are you sure you wanna tell that drummer joke in here?"

"Well, no. Not if I'm gonna hafta EXPLAIN it three times!"

 

[mac63]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[kaahn]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walkin

 

[WifeyCO]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

 

[Shawn Hoefer]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead find themselves about to set out across the desert.

The brunette packs bread and when asked why, she explains that it's a long trip and they might get hungry.

The redhead loads up with bottled water. She explains that it is a long trip, and they will get thirsty.

The blonde comes dragging up a car door. What's it for, she is asked...

...it might get hot, she says, and they can roll down the window.

 

[CountBoredom]

A lady sits down on a train. The man sitting next to her turns to her and says, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. That baby looks in a mirror, it’s going to shatter. You oughta put a bag on that baby’s head. That baby is just ugly.”

The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. “Conductor, this man has insulted me.”

“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” the conductor replies. “What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We’ll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.”

 

[eric]

Today is the last day of the contest!

It ends tonight at midnight. Don't miss your chance!

 

[spacekitty]

Why do Scottish men wear kilts??



Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

 

[Shawn Hoefer]

A researcher asked shepherds in England, Ireland, Scotland, and France. about their... ahem... practices...

The English men says you have to push em up near a cliff and then put their hind feet in your wellies.

The Irishman says to push em up against a fence and put their hind feet in your wellies.

The Scotsman says to tangle em in the Heathers and put their hind feet in your wellies.

The researcher is surprised by the similarities from one culture to the next, and a little jaded.

The Frenchman says "first you take em to a green field." The researcher interrupts, "and put their hind feet in your wellies, right?"

The Frenchman is utterly shocked and appalled. "What? No kissing!?!

 

[spacekitty]

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, “I wish that was Sharon Stone.”

George echoed, “I wish it was Demi Moore.”

Little Johnny sighed, “I wish it was dark . . . “

 

[Mogar]

Years ago there was a captain of a warship that was known to have never lost a sea battle.
When a ship was spotted on the horizon the captain told the first mate "bring me my red pants." After a long and bloody battle the captain and his crew had won. After many fights the captain continually asked for the first mate to bring him his red pants, the first mate then asked him why...
"The crew will always look at the captain during a fight, if they see me fighting bravely, so will they. If I am struck they will not see the blood on my pants and they will continue to fight."
One day on the horizon the captain saw the entire Spanish Armada coming towards them... The captain said "First Mate! Bring me my Brown pants!"

 

[spacekitty]

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it goin'?”
Dog: “Doin' alright”
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin'?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: “Them sheep ain’t nothing but a bunch of damned liars!!!”

 

[Mogar]

A husband and wife decided to start a savings account by placing a jar under their bed and placing $1.00 in the jar every time they...ummm... made whoopee.
After 50 years of wedded bliss, they decided to go on a vacation on the money they saved over their years together. When they opened the jar and the husband found multiple 5's, 10s and even a large number of 20 dollar bills in the jar. Confused he asked his wife why this is, and she replied.....






"What, do you think all the other men were as cheap as you are?"

 

[spacekitty]

A young couple gets married, and the groom Clarence asks his bride Carolyn if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 20 years of marriage, Carolyn notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 4 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation.

Clarence explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
Carolyn figures 4 times in 20 years isn't bad and asks her husband "But what about the $1,000?"

Clarence replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

 

[Mogar]

A hunter was wandering through the woods when he comes across a big bear. He doesn't think his gun is strong enough to take the bear out but gives it a try anyway. After he shoots the hunter sees the bear running up on him and tries to get away. The bear finally does end up catching up to the hunter and begins to rip all the hunters clothes away and begins to have his bearish way with the hunter.
The hunter wakes in the hospital with a pain in an area that shouldn't be hurting (yea Im trying to keep it somewhat PC here). The hunter goes to the local gun store and buys the biggest gun they had to exact vengeance on the bear. After stalking through the woods he comes upon the bear again and shoots... When the hunter wakes up again in the hospital with pain in the same area he realizes that the bear took advantage of him again.
The hunter goes to an Army/Navy Surplus store and purchases a gun that is designed to take out aircraft and lightly armored vehicles and thinks to himself that the bear has a very few days left on this earth...
After stalking the bear through the woods he spots the bear and with him in the crosshairs, pulls the trigger. When the smoke clears the bear is standing right in front of the hunter, and the bear says.... "you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[kaahn]

A car load full of blondes take out on a road trip to Walt Disney World. They get almost there and they notice a sign on the the side of the interstate that reads "Walt Disney World Left". So they turned around and went home.

 

[spacekitty]

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

 

[Mogar]

Three men were trekking through the rainforest when they stumbled upon a lost tribe. As they offended their gods by trespassing on sacred ground all three were to be sacrificed and their skins were to be made into canoes for the tribe. They were given their own choice of how they were able to be killed.
The first asked for a rope and was allowed to tie his own hangman's noose, he died quickly.
The second was given a knife to cut his wrists and bleed out quickly and quietly.
The third man asked for a fork. He was quizzically handed his object of death where he quickly started stabbing himself all over his body while screaming "To heck with your canoe!!!!"

 

[spacekitty]

I flattened your cat...

Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this..." as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"