CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[Dryadsoul]

Patty, Mike and Liam were all three killed in a car crash on their way home from the pub. When they arrived at the pearly gates St, Peter told them they would each be given a vehicle to get around in, based on fidelity towards their wives.

Patty went first saying, " I was married 3 times, but I divorced each one before messing around with the next one."
St. Peter handed Patty the keys to ab old VW bug.

"Well your holiness," says Mike, "I was married for 25 years and only cheated the once while I was out of town for a month; well no, it were actually twice." So, St, Peter handed him the keys to a Corvair.

Then Liam stood proudly before St Peter and said, "I was married for 40 years and my wife was the first and only woman I made love to in my entire life." St. Peter congratulated Liam and handed him the keys to a brand new Lamborghini Huracan.

Later that afternoon Patty & Mike saw Liam pulled to the side of the road crying like a wee baby; so they pulled over and ask "What in heavens name are you going on about Liam, you've got the finest ride in all of heaven?"

And Liam replied, "I know, but I just passed the wife and she's riding a skateboard!"

 

[mac63]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

[Fuzzy Bruce]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started!

 

[spacekitty]

There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.

The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde: "Ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says Coach and this is First Class. Please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"

So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. He goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".

So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear. The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other, and then the co-pilot, and asked him what he told her.

The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "Oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

 

[Shawn Hoefer]

There was this politician that kept a campaign promise...

 

[mac63]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

 

[spacekitty]

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm...car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?
October - Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911..."duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the phone!

What a year!

 

[mac63]

My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her whatfamous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[spacekitty]

PETA

A few years ago, some folks from PETA** (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled.

All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old man in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep......they're eatin' 'em!!"



** PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals

 

[LouisLeBeau]

I once saw a legal battle in Iowa over the ownership of a cow. It was stuck in the fence halfway between Farmer Teds land and Farmer Bobs land. Each farmer was pulling with all his might to get the cow onto his own farm. Under the cow, was a lawyer, milking the heck out of it.

 

[LouisLeBeau]

I once got caught by a Fish and Wildlife officer while walking up from the beach with a cooler full of live trout. He asked me for my license. I told him, I didn't NEED a license. These were my own Pond trout and I had just taken them for a swim in the big lake. The officer laughed. I told him I could prove it. I would put the fish in the lake, let them swim awhile, and then call them back. "This I gotta see" he said. So I carefully lowered the cooler into the lake and released them. After about 10 minutes, the officer said "OK, call em back now". I replied, "Call what back?"

 

[LouisLeBeau]

Two atoms walk into a bar. The first one says, "darn, I think I dropped an electron". The second says "are you sure?", to which the 1st responds "yeah, I'm positive".

 

[spacekitty]

Just bringing this forward...

Rules:
1. Participants outside the US must cover shipping if they win. Shipping will be covered for US winners.
2. No consecutive posts. You must wait til someone else posts before posting again.
3. No blatant bigotry. We're adults here, anything else goes, just try not to be overtly offensive.
4. Jokes must be typed out, no memes or infographics.
5. This contest is for an iTaste 134 Mini and does not include batteries, chargers, or other accessories.
6. Tell people about the contest! We expect at least 100 submissions. This contest is about jokes, fun, and, well, promotion. We hope you'll help us out on all accounts.

The contest ends on May 11th at 11:59 CST. We will choose a winner with 72 hours of the contest's end date. All submissions made after the cut off date will be disqualified.

 

[LouisLeBeau]

Old guy goes to the doctor. He says "Doc, I think my wife is going deaf". Doc asks how bad it is. Man replies, "I dunno". Doc says go home, and stand 12 feet away from her back and ask her a question at normal volume. Then move 2 feet closer and ask again. Let me know how close you were when she finally hears you. Old guy goes home, and his wife is at the stove. He stands 12 feet away and says "Hi honey, what's for dinner. No reply, so he moves 2 feet closer and asks again. Same thing. He moves 2 feet closer, and asks again. Once again, no reply so he moves 2 feet closer and asks again. The wife turns around and yells "For the fourth time, BEAN SOUP.

 

[LouisLeBeau]

Just bringing this forward...

Ooops.

 

[mac63]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[Shawn Hoefer]

A blonde was hired to work in the quality check division of the M&M factory. Shortly after she started, the amount of product coming off of her line plummeted.

She was eating all the candies with W&W on them.

 

[mac63]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[LouisLeBeau]

Penguin is riding his harley, and notices oil spurting out. He sees Walrus's repair shop ahead so he pulls in. Walrus tells him he'll need an hour or so to check it out. With time to kill, Penguin wanders onto Main st. where he spots an ice cream store. Penguins LOVE ice cream, so he goes and buys a treat. Well, the little fella having no arms, gets the ice cream all over his face. He wanders back into the repair shop where Walrus is bent over the bike. "What do you think?" asks Penguin. Walrus looks up and says "looks like you blew a seal". The shocked Penguin says "NO! It's just a little ice cream!"

 

[mac63]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't Mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."