CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[mac63]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[Merchaun]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[mac63]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a bigkiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.

Mummy fainted!

 

[kaahn]

Statistics show 4 out of 5 people approve of gang rape.

 

[mac63]

I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap!
The bull started to service the cows within two days....
All of my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight.
He's like a machine!"
I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

 

[spacekitty]

I've seen this joke with blonde/hair color instead of drummer/occupation, too...


A drummer was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd tending
a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the meadow.

The drummer took a fancy to the sheep, and said:
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thought this was odd, but since there was little chance
that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, he said "Sure."

The drummer guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment,
since this was exactly how many sheep he had.

The drummer got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?"
and the shepherd grudgingly gave his OK. The drummer selected his sheep, bent over,
and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry it home.

The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?"
The drummer was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely
that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal.

The shepherd then said "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."

 

[liblue1]

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.

 

[spacekitty]

This is a story that Ian Anderson, the leader of the British rock group Jethro Tull told during a
concert. The concert was in Detroit, although that is not important to know in order to follow
along.

One day, the drummer of Jethro Tull, who was named Barry Barlow, showed up for a
rehearsal wearing a pair of kilts that he had purchased during the band's recent tour of
Scotland. Ian Anderson, who as I said before is the leader of the group, was curious as to what
a person wears under a kilt. So, he said to Barry, "Hey Barry, what have you got under your
kilt?"

So, Barry said to Ian Anderson, "Well, why don't you stoop down, stick your head under and
take a look". And Ian Anderson did so and, as he later reported, with a big toothy grin, to the
crowd at the concert, "I have to tell you that what I saw was gruesome. And, as I looked at it,
it grew some more!"

 

[liblue1]

Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.

 

[spacekitty]

The top 10 reasons why it's rough to be a drummer...

10. Packing up drums while the hotties leave with other guys.
9. The load-in.
8. The load-out.
7. Drummer jokes.
6. "Wipeout" requests.
5. Having to stand up during breaks.
4. Sweat.
3. Everyone thinks they're a drummer, everyone wants to play your drums.
2. The constant drone of drum beats in my mind, which must be transferred into tapping with my hands and feet, on any object, at any time.
1. Whadjya say? Quit mumbling, and speak up so I can hear ya.

 

[mac63]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

 

[spacekitty]

Stevie Ray Vaughn has his tragic accident, passes on and wakes up in a beautiful field.
He hears the most incredible 3 piece harmony coming from up on a hill.
He goes up the hill, and it's Elvis, Buddy Holly, and Roy Orbison, warming up.
Stevie says, "Wow. This is beautiful. I'm in Rock and Roll Heaven".
Elvis replies, "It ain't heaven, man. Come with us."

They walk over to the next hill where he hears the most incredible guitar playing ever.
Of Course, It's Jimi Hendrix. Stevie gets real excited "I know this is Rock and Roll Heaven." he shouts.
Jimi unplugs his Strat and replies, "It ain't Heaven man. Come with us"

They walk over to the next hill and hear thunder. No, it's not thunder, its John Bonham, warming up the Ludwigs.
Stevie breaks away from the group and runs over to Bonzo shouting "I'm in Rock and Roll Heaven. I"m in Rock and Roll Heaven".
Bonzo replies, "Trust me. It ain't Heaven man. Plug in here."

They're joined by the rest and everybody plugs in. About that time Karen Carpenter walks up and says,
"Ok boys, Rainy Days and Mondays. A one, A two...."

 

[KatzWh1skers]

....so this politician dies..and lo and behold, he finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven. He can hear the angel choir in the background..and he's just about to go in when St Peter stops him right there at the gate. "Before I can let you into heaven", he says, " we want you to be absolutely sure that this is what you really want". Well, the politician is dumbfounded by this. And St Peter goes on to explain to him that the new rules say he will be given the opportunity to spend 24 hours in hell...after which he will be brought back to heaven and spend 24 hours in heaven...after which he will need to make his final decision on where he wants to spend all eternity. The politician tries to convince St Peter that he really just wants to stay there in heaven..but St Peter says,"Sorry Charlie, ...Rules are rules". And before Charlie can get another word in, he finds himself in an elevator..going Down...Down...Down..Down!!!! The elevator finally stops ...and Charlie slowly opens his eyes...There in front of him is the most gorgeous golf course he had ever seen in his Life!!! Charlie is still standing there in shock when he recognizes some of his old buddies from the old law firm out on the 8th hole green. They recognize him and come running over to him...slapping him on the back....congratulating him and welcoming him to hell. Well, you can bet that Charlie is wondering what the heck is going on...but his friends drag him along to the golf course country club..where gorgeous scantily clad women fawn on him and bring him an endless supply of drinks and food. Charlie ends up ppartying the night away with his friends...having the best time of his life. And before he knows it , his 24 hours in hell are up; and he reluctantly gets in the elevator for the ride back up to heaven. When he steps out of the elevator St Peter is standing there to greet him. "Welcome to heaven!!", he says....and Charlie spends the next 24 hours relaxing in the clouds, listening to harp music, catching with his Aunt Bess and his 1st grade teacher Mrs. Kravitz..and jamming with the heavenly band of angels. Soon his time in heaven is up...and St Peter asks him what he thought of heaven. "Well...", said Charlie, " I hate to say this.....I mean, heaven's been nice and all...but honestly I think I had the best time in hell". St Peter didn't get mad or anything...he just looked at Charlie and said, "Now you're SURE about this??...'Cause once you make up your mind, there's no turning back!!". But Charlie assured St Peter that hell was where he wanted to be. And he had no sooner made up his mind when he found himself back in that elevator and barreling towards hell. The elevator gave out a ghastly demonic moan as it came to an abrupt stop. The doors slowly opened to reveal a vast wasteland...like something out of Charlie's worst nightmare. The air was choked with smoke and he could hardly breath....He recognized his friends in the distance ..but they looked horrible and were dragging themselves around on their bare knuckles. Charlie was in shock..and just then he felt someone beside him....it was the Devil..wearing a nice tux with his horns sticking out of his top hat. "Welcome to Hell, Charlie! So glad you decided to join our Team!". but poor Charlie was in shock. " I don't get it!", he said. When I was just here....everything was so beautiful.... Where's the golf course?? And where's the country club??....and all that good food and drink??!...and all the lovely ladies??!". And the devil says to Charlie..."Oh THAT!.....THAT my boy was just us in CAMPAIGN MODE."

 

[mac63]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. You can the loud whooshing sound of his breathing in and out.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the fogging oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles vainly to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" His voice sounds echo-like in the whooshing of air.
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir. They look fine."
The man reaches up weakly, slowly pulling off his oxygen mask, smiles up at her, and says hoarsely and very slowly, "Thank--you--very--much. That--was--wonderful..... Now--listen very,--very--closely:Are - my - test - results - back ? "

 

[spacekitty]

"No Dogs In Heaven"

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk behind the gate.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

~ Loosely based on an episode of The Twilight Zone, written by Rod Serling

 

[Ladybear]

 

[mac63]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch......."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke;
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap!".......said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude never was invited back.

 

[erratum]

So this Irishman walks out of a bar

 

[mac63]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

[spacekitty]

Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT)

The Mark I Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT) system is a family of intelligent, stealthy, terminal-homing mouse-seeking missiles featuring multi-sensor targeting with dual night-vision devices, and neural-net architecture.

The CAT’s self-righting inertial platform allows launch from any attitude.
Integrated multi-aspect attack profile with indefinite loiter mode insure a wide lethality envelope.
Upon target engagement, the CAT deploys four clusters of retractable submunitions in addition to the primary warhead, providing an enhanced radius of destruction.

The CAT uses regular or exotic solid or liquid fuel and is equipped with a low-signature exhaust-obscuration system.
Firmware and connectors compatible with any unit of the Mark I series guarantee unlimited expansion capability, making the CAT system a cost-effective countermeasure to the projected spectrum of rodent-threat scenarios well into the next century.

The CAT is now available* from Acme Anti-Roadrunner Systems Division of McDonald Dynamics.
See us at the Paris Air Show, Tom Clancy’s next movie, or contact Frank Reid at XXXXXXXX (day) or XXXXXXXX (evenings; be patient) for immediate free delivery.

* Cannot be shipped to Iraq.