A Smile for you
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MOUSE CALIBRATION FOR
2010
You should do at least once a year, even more
often if you spend a lot of time on the computer. This is
recommended by Kim Komando (the computer guru) in one of her recent
emails.
I was shocked to
see how well this works, and how far off mine
was!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital G
below, then drag it toward the small g.
If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean
your mouse, as the calibrator is off.
Good lord!! You'll
believe anything
2010
You should do at least once a year, even more
often if you spend a lot of time on the computer. This is
recommended by Kim Komando (the computer guru) in one of her recent
emails.
I was shocked to
see how well this works, and how far off mine
was!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital G
below, then drag it toward the small g.
If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean
your mouse, as the calibrator is off.
Good lord!! You'll
believe anything
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk..
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.. It's only
$2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one
I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on
the market. They're asking $ 980,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a
pretty good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk..
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.. It's only
$2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one
I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on
the market. They're asking $ 980,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a
pretty good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Here are my two all-time favorite jokes (i'm a little odd, what can i say)
Descartes had been sitting in a bar all afternoon drinking (and vaping). The bartender asked him if he wanted another drink. Descartes answered "I think not". Poof, he disappeared.
What does an dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? Sits up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
Descartes had been sitting in a bar all afternoon drinking (and vaping). The bartender asked him if he wanted another drink. Descartes answered "I think not". Poof, he disappeared.
What does an dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? Sits up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
MK: My hubs has (and still occasionally does) crew cheif on an A-10 aircraft. Pilots are
occasionally dumb in their comments, and YES the answers can be hilarious. I'll have to ask him for some next time we talk.
occasionally dumb in their comments, and YES the answers can be hilarious. I'll have to ask him for some next time we talk.
CES..Here's the original qoute just in case someone missed the joke.
Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum.
(I doubt, therefore I think; I think therefore I am)
Rene Descartes quotes (French Mathematician, Philosopher and Scientist.
Mac, Please do, if he has any to share.. that would be great.
(I doubt, therefore I think; I think therefore I am)
Mac, Please do, if he has any to share.. that would be great.
BWahahahaha!
Someone told me this one the other day...
A blonde calls the fire dept. because her house is on fire.
Dispatcher asks her for her address.
Blonde says "I don't know."
Dispatcher asks, "well, how do we get there?"
Blonde says "big red truck....DUH!"
This one may be bordering the PG rated line...not sure...
The frozen skunk:
The frozen skunk:
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car.There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
asks her husband to stop the car.There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to
Go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
Bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect
The worst. . . My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her .... that
Said..
'From all of us at the Fire Station..
We'll never forget you
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to
Go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
Bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect
The worst. . . My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her .... that
Said..
'From all of us at the Fire Station..
We'll never forget you
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.....
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. .......s.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ......ed.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. .......s.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ......ed.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
I am dying! That is my cats to a tee! The dog too who is a bit of a dingbat! Her favorite hobby is eating kitty heads! She just slobbers on the cats who complain loudly. Then they plot revenge by pouncing on her in her sleep!
I think I have been that tipsy..thank goodness I don't remember where I..urrr "went!"
I think I have been that tipsy..thank goodness I don't remember where I..urrr "went!"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of ........, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of ........, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big .... he always was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards..
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time......but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of ........, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of ........, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big .... he always was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards..
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time......but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
COLLARD GREENS
An old man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden,
but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug , who used to help him, was in prison over in Parchman. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Junebug :
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son
Dear Daddy, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Junebug
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Daddy, You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Junebug.
An old man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden,
but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug , who used to help him, was in prison over in Parchman. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Junebug :
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son
Dear Daddy, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Junebug
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Daddy, You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Junebug.
I hope this posts big enough to read!
Sorry It just won't enlarge!
Sorry It just won't enlarge!
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