A Smile for you

[Mary Kay]

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1990.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..

So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!


Sorry, the pics didn't work

 

[CES]

I'm older than earth day and sesame street- but NOT older than barbie

 

[Katattack]

As of late I'm realizing that creeping into the "older" camp and out of the "youngster" camp. My daughter telling me that she and the other kids were talking about old movies....like Goonies. My mind screamed "old movie! What?!?!"
She's right though, it was out long before she was born.

Also, hearing songs that were popular when you were in high school on the "classics" station. Yeah drives the point home too.

 

[Mary Kay]

I knew I was "Old" when I heard the 'Star Trek" theme playing in an elevator and when the Beatles became grandpa's!

 

[Mary Kay]

1 A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes .

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8 Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it
shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'.....Now, I've forgotten my
address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to
eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing -- and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day!

 

[beebopnjazz]

LOL MK - #9 is a new one for me- never heard that one before!

 

[Mary Kay]

True Friendship -- None of that Sissy Stuff

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?


Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship...


You will see no cute little smiley faces on this -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.


1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ....... who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.


4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.


7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have..

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ..., but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath . . . I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask - because you are my friend.


Friendship is like ...... your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

 

[jj2]

We must have the same friends---we get the same emails.

 

[Mary Kay]

A little something for Mary Kay and the Womens Room The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING
SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)

----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING
SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN
DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE
WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET
SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde
jokes!)

-----------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped
into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on ' your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...


---------------------------------------------


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what
do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

she replied. 'Probably that I married you for your money,'

-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

---------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my
man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your
bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading
your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

 

[Mary Kay]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. ​

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.​

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book. ​

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.​

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'​

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')​

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'


'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'​

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.​

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.​

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'​

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.​

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. ​

It's likely she can also think.

 

[Mary Kay]

Tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and DOESNT LIE to You. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is VERY important that these four men don't know each other!

 

[Fudgey]

 

[Mickirette]

I love all 4 of these men.

 

[Mary Kay]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,









Wait for it. wait for it.




You're just gonna love this.

I see you smiling.......

​

BEE PEE

 

[Happy Domino38]

MaryKay, you're a sick individual...

 

[Mary Kay]

I quite agree!

 

[Mary Kay]

In case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell​

​

You spend most of your time in an6X6 cubicle​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

You get three meals a day, fully paid for​

​

You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

For good behavior, you get time off​

​

For good behavior, you get more work​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you​

​

You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

You can watch TV and play games​

​

You could get fired for watching TV and playing games​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

You get your own toilet​

​

You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

They allow your family and friends to visit​

​

You aren't even supposed to speak to your family​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required​

​

You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out​

​

You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars​

​

​

​

@ PRISON​

​

@ WORK​

You must deal with sadistic wardens​

​

They are called "managers"​

​

​

​

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.





Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read emails.

 

[Happy Domino38]

 

[Fudgey]

That is my life! Don't care how many times I read that it makes me laugh!!!

 

[Mary Kay]

How to Simulate Being A Sailor



From my Brother in law..Retired Navy

How to Simulate Being A Sailor
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all sh**cans and .... kits!")
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!)
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of Diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house