A Smile for you
- Thread starter Mary Kay
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Luxury! I'm married to Mr. Bean
I wrote this a couple years back for My Brother-In-Law because he loves it when I pick on his big brother. Mary
Top 5 reason why I am going to Kill Mike:
5. He goes to the grocery store with me now that he is retired ...ugh. I come back with twice as much as I went for, none of which is good for you!
4. He now thinks we need to be joined at the hip, my hips are big enough as is, thank you! Too much of this married stuff will get us a divorce.
3. He has decided my kichen is an all day diner. I am used to one meal a day and a snack in the morning. I ran out of new ideas for food prep weeks ago!
. I can't get anything done, he wants me to work in the yard with him..or at least supervise and when we are in the house he is napping and doesn't want to be awakened. I'll give him awakened..permantly!
1.We went to Home Depot today. Mike had a list, Mike has a list for everything. Anyway we made our first stop for a pump sprayer to use to spray ant beds. Fine so far. Then we were off to find some replacement screws for my kitchen chairs, they keep coming off for some reason. We also got some lock tight so that they would stay put. After about an hour of comparing screws to every one on the wall (and of course he won't ask for help) we found some. Next on his list was mower blade replacements and a drive belt. Now we were one isle over from them when we got the pump sprayer, before we walked to the other end of the store for screws. Of course we couldn't figure out which ones we needed because there was no converter chart from Home Depot brand to Craftsman. By this time I was ready to scream. That's when I made the mistake of asking what else was on his list..you got it.. a washer for the sink that was 1 isle over from the screws , all the way across the store again! Did I mention that we had to go to the mower shop ACROSS town for the blades and belts? The same place I told him to go in the first place?
I am married to MONK! Who knew? He has to follow the list as written, no skipping around. Just wait Mr. Monk until I tell you I don't feel well and would you please go to the grocery store for me. I have the location of everything memorized. My list will send you from frozen to bakery to health and beauty to fresh veggies and back to frozen. That should wear your oc/ar .... out!
If you would please, start saving up the bail money now.
TIA (Thanks in advance)
Mary
Gonna try this one more time. If it doesn't work, IDK why. It works in the Sandbox. Be sure and turn your sound on and the volume up.
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf
Judas Asparagus
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:
The Children's Bible in
a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus had a party and made a lot of wine for his friends which puzzeld his mom and he woke up this dead guy Lazarus who was not in very good shape. Later he died for our mistakes, but then came back to life again to prove he really wasn't dead. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:
The Children's Bible in
a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus had a party and made a lot of wine for his friends which puzzeld his mom and he woke up this dead guy Lazarus who was not in very good shape. Later he died for our mistakes, but then came back to life again to prove he really wasn't dead. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Oh Mary Kay, that is just priceless.
That a keep that will go to my hard drive. Thanx!
That a keep that will go to my hard drive. Thanx!
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