A Smile for you

[sstambo]

Mary Kay-LOVE your contest entry! Hold on, clean up the drool of the keyboard.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ​

 

[Mary Kay]

That wasn't even the hottest one!

I would have had to shoot the guy wanting me to iron! I do own an iron..I think..

 

[sstambo]

YAOWZAA!! Hunka Hunka!!

Your jokes are better! Yours & some of the other gals jokes had me crackin' up. At least I tried. I'll find something better. Give me some time.
Supposed to be working right now, lol.

 

[Di]

ha ha ha , marykay , and sstambo


I am having a ball here,

I dont know how I have not found this place before,
too much occupied elsewhere I guess,

wow what a hunk, marykay, something to dream on for sure,-----

I'd sure like to run into this on the secluded beach --

 

[Mary Kay]

For sure..as long as he controls the claws!

 

[Di]

For sure..as long as he controls the claws!

Oh yes, absolutely,

I am a lover not a fighter,

and he would have to put away anything long and sharp for sure,
I want only soft gentle and romantic thanks ------

 

[Cori]

Just got this one from a friend today..made me smile so I thought I'd pass it on.

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2 What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man.. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them
apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

 

[Mary Kay]

TOO true Cori!

 

[Cori]

Ok here's another I found that is cute. Doesn't really apply to the US but I found it amusing anyway.

​

''Deep Trouble''
We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan, etc .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County
Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming
Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your backside at your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out
through trying to cope on my own?

 

[Di]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ..... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT

...[FONT="] ~ [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=red][FONT=Arial]Don't be [B]SO[/B] disgusting![/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]
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[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]
[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=teal][FONT=Arial]The duck said....[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]
[/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]
[/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
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[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=teal][FONT=Arial]'I am a[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#8000FF][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][B][COLOR=red][FONT=Arial]DRAKE,[/FONT][/COLOR][/B][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]
[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=teal][FONT=Arial]You made a[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#8000FF][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][B][COLOR=red][FONT=Arial]MISTAKE!![/FONT][/COLOR][/B][COLOR=red][FONT=Arial]!! [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=red][FONT=Verdana]![/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=red][FONT="] [/FONT]


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[SudokuGal]

ROTFLMAO!!! Thanks, dikerry.

 

[Ryle]

omg priceless!

 

[Luv2CUSmile]

Cori & Di,

Very cute! You guys should get in on the VaporTalk joke contest... You just call the # posted and tell the best joke ya got, they are going to put it together for YouTube and winners get... (I forget) but it's a contest!!! LOL
You guys are funny

 

[Cori]

LMAO DI...you got me with that one. Very funny indeed.

 

[Mary Kay]

Well I thought I was going to have to throw the rules at you and go cop on you behind!

Instead I almost fell off my chair laughing! You got me good Di!

 

[SudokuGal]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'


'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

 

[ferretlovr]

I haven't read all of these posts yet, been too busy LMAO! Hope these haven't been here before.................

THREE MEN ON A HIKE

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed "God, please give me the strength to cross this river".

Poof! God gave him big strong arms and legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river".

Poof! God gave him a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed " God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river".

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

 

[ferretlovr]

Here's another one. (luv this place!)

UNDERWEAR DUST

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ....!"

His wife was not amused and decided she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!!!

 

[Mary Kay]

That was funny! Both of them!

 

[Di]

thanks you guys, she says as she takes a bow,

I just love this place----

cant believe I never found it till now,

mustve been otherwise occupied !!!!!!!

I will deff be a regular now -----

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