CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[mac63]

The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman

 

[CountBoredom]

Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

 

[mac63]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[wvloony]

One.Sunday morning a pastor announces to the congregation, there isnt anything happening in this world today that hasnt been mentioned in the bible.
The silent parishioners take it in, when all of the sudden a voice pipes out, ok what about pms.
The pastor siths there for a moment, pondering. Then brightens up. Opening his bible fervently.
Nope says so right here, as he reads the following passage of scripture.
Mary rode Joseph's a$s all the way to Bethlehem.

 

[mac63]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

 

[WifeyCO]

“I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.”

 

[liblue1]

A Group of Fonts
Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”

 

[WifeyCO]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee was blowing fouls

 

[mac63]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning
freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!”

 

[Ladybear]

Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

 

[mac63]

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

 

[kaahn]

A husband wins the lottery and being excited he phones his wife to tell her the awesome news.

Husband says "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

Wife says "What should I pack for warm weather or cold?!!!"

Husband says "I don't really care as long as your out by 12!"

 

[mac63]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[CountBoredom]

Two statues, a man and a woman, stand in a park, their stony gazes locked longingly upon one another.

An angel takes pity on the two unrequited lovers and turns them into flesh. "You have five minutes," he says.

The two former statues eye each other, grin, and waste little time rushing into the bushes together. Rustling and shrieks of delight erupt from the area. It's clear that the two are having fun. After five minutes, the two come out of the pushes, eyes bright.

"You sure sounded like you had fun," said the angel. "Would you like another five minutes?"

The two former statues nod happily. "This time," says one to the other, "you hold the pigeon down while I .... on it!"

 

[mac63]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grab some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said,
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for
the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his ...., pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his ....,
pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut
up his ...., pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball,
he measures everything first."

 

[FranC]

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

 

[mac63]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village taver...n where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[WifeyCO]

My Mom once told me,
“I hope your child turns out twice as bad as you”

She didn’t realize one day she’d be babysitting…….. LOL

 

[catsitter]

 

[catsitter]