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efirdj

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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

Couples who have been married a long time start finishing each others sentences. The most popular ending being "Shut the #%&# up!"

The problem with the world are the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid people are full of confidence.
 

efirdj

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As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.

A disaster is when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.
 

efirdj

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My wife is not a muffin top exactly... more like a busted can of biscuits.

Lazy People Fact #5812672794: You were too lazy to read that number

If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies very quietly

My life is just a bunch of "it seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Heat makes things expand. So, I'm not overweight, I'm just a little too warm.
 

efirdj

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I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

I could be a morning person. If morning happened around noon.

I've gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?". Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

I adopted a rescue dog. He rescues food from the table, socks from the laundry, trash from the bin and shoes from the closet...

That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.
 
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