Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[Fopa]

My 1 day employment:

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?'

To which I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[dragynfly]

What do men and linoleum have in common ?

if you lay them right the first time you can walk on them for life !

 

[dragynfly]

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli ?

Kids wont eat broccoli !

 

[RippleInStillWater]

A man walks into an empty bar and sits down. He calls to the bartender for a beer which he brings and then goes back to his cleaning. As the man start sipping his beer he hears a voice say "Wow, you like like you're strong". He looks around and sees the bartendeer is across the room. My mind is playing tricks on me, I'm hearing things, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again and it says "My, that cologne you're wearing is so seductive!" Where is that voice coming from he thinks, is the bartender a ventriloquist? He takes another long pull on his beer and hears "You are one sexy man!". He slams his beer down, asking the bartender "I keep hearing a voice saying the nicest things about me. What gives?" The bartender sighs and says "Oh, that's the nuts, they're complimentary!"

I know, its an old joke!!!

 

[RippleInStillWater]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The Fish!




Those are my two faves!

 

[Lorizgal]

What do 50 county workers and 50 lesbians have in common?

wait for it......................



100 people that do ....!

 

[spacekitty]

How many ECF members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
1 to move it to the Modders section after 2 have argued to move it to the Ask the Experts section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what suppliers are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop
4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years
12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it
1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb
1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads.
6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs
15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs
6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[Mathew R Taylor]

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.

The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man replied, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble." The bartender was mollified when he agreed to order a drink for him and his monkey. As the night wore on, and the drinks flowed, the man and his monkey meandered to the pool table. Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!" So the monkey and the man left.

A week later, the same man and his monkey enter the bar. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ..., and then ate it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!" The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it."

 

[danbob987]

Nice! Keep them coming, this will be a very tough decision.

 

[firhill]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right away?
Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh(i)t inside!"



46,52 and 60 get my vote as the best so far

 

[pearlheartgtr]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

 

[spacekitty]

Three Nuns were walking down the street, when a guy in a trench coat walks up and 'flashes' them.
The 1st Nun gasps, clutches her Crucifix and has a stroke.
The 2nd Nun is so shocked that she has a stroke as well.
The 3rd Nun wouldn't touch it at all...

 

[Wharf Rat]

A guy stumbles in to a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Buddy, looks like you've already had enough". The guy proceeds to tell the bartender that he's got a taxi waiting to take him straight home and he's just needs one more shot. Sure enough, after the shot, the guy throws up on himself. All upset that his wife's going to be ......, a man next to him at bar says "Do what I do, I put a $50 bill in my pocket and tell my wife some guy at the bar did this and that he felt so bad he put $50 in my pocket to dry clean my suit ". "Great idea", and he rushes home.
Of course his wife is ...... that he's drunk again.
He replies " No honey, it wasn't me, some guy at the bar did this and that he felt so bad he put $50 in my pocket to dry clean my suit ".
She reaches in his pocket and pulls out a $100 bill. "what's this" she asks?
"Oh" he replies "he s..t in my pants too".

 

[skydragon]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

[skydragon]

Ed and Betty met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Betty to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Betty was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Betty to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell, I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Betty took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years, I've been a ......."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought, then he added.......
"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[PoliticallyIncorrect]

A woman was deciding on a birthday gift for her husband, a man who already had everything. Thinking an exotic bird might be a novelty--even if something he might not necessarily want--she visited a pet shop and explained her needs to the salesman.

He turned immediately and aimed an index finger in the direction of a huge, multicolored bird with a bill the size of a traffic cone who was busily preening himself atop an open perch.

"You need him," he said

"Wow! what is it?"

"It's called a Crunchbird, he said. "They're native to Madagascar. Watch this." Holding a pencil aloft, he addressed the bird:

"Crunchbird, my pencil!"

The bird leaped into the air in a fury of feathers, snatched the pencil, returned to its perch and munched contentedly.

"Wow! Does it just eat pencils?"

The salesman scanned his desktop, grabbed his Swingline Model 33 stapler and turned to face the bird.

"Crunchbird, my stapler!"

The bird exploded across the room, seized the black metallic morsel, then returned home again. Gripping his meal with one foot, he tore into it, spitting bits of mangled steel into the air.

The woman had seen enough; out came her Visa card. Reaching her Bel Air home, she set her new bird up on a mahogany perch, filled the feed dish with ball bearings, spread saw dust underneath and awaited her husband's return.

He entered, caught sight of the cooing animal and allowed a single raised eyebrow to register confusion.

"Um...ok. What is this?"

"Happy birthday, honey! The petshop guy says it's a Crunchbird," she bubbled. "From Madagascar!"

His eyes now rolling skyward, he turned his back to walk away.

"Crunchbird, my ...."

 

[owutaqt]

Did you see those three holes in the ground?

well well well.....

 

[Digital4life]

One of my old favorites....

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey pirate, why have you got that steering wheel in your crotch?" The pirate says, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

---------------------------------------------
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Answer... Because it was dead.

 

[Digital4life]

Two sausages are frying in a pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's really hot in here!". The other sausage jumps up and says, "AHHHH! A talking sausage!".

 

[spacekitty]

How do you make a dead dog float??

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer....