Have just posted this excellent bit of advice in the main forum ( outside ), where there has been a bit of American / anglo banter going on. Thought the brits in here might appreciate it,,just a bit of fun for a Friday.
TRAVELLING IN THE UK - ADVICE FOR AMERICANS Vocabulary The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say, "I'd love to cometo the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern wordfor what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeencents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a"great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriouslydemonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you shouldhold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down thestreet. Habits Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full unionwith Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certaincontinental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two-or three-hour siesta, which they call a "****." As this is still afairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people tooversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magneticpull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize andexplain that you were having a **** - everyone will understand andforgive you. Universities University archives and manuscript collections are still governed byquaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hencepatrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-potsand a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customswill signal the librarians that you are "in the know" - one of theinner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not postedanywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss thelibrarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI. One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford orCambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privatelyowned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to thepublic by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you areinterested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where thepublic yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil toprotect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can ofCrisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.That way people will know you are an experienced cottager. Food British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublimegastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robustdollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out severaltimes a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interruptingyour afternoon **** for). Few foreigners are aware that there areseveral grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the bestbottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp ofExcellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiteryou want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks atyour request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously backand forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, hemay offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite Britishwines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best winegrapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and EastAnglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When thebill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whateveryou think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which caseyou should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand thathe should run a tab for you. Transportation Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ridein London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxidriver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, youcharlatan!" then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers arerequired to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, payyour fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"),and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please takeme to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bitof harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requesteddestination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist(little does he know you're not so ignorant!). Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recentlymoved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village inWales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there,ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus for Kew. Don'tforget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called"bumbershoots" - it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles arecalled "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the"off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" onlymeans a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, youmust ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician"). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may bethe most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel forfree on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the baseof the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any ofthe state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimesdisturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappeswere smuggled into London in the early 19th century by Frenchsaboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and looktowards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwiseexcellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locatingthe Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and askone of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.) One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrowairport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an internationalJewish peace organization - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvytravellers know, this little white lie will assure you prioritytreatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you couldwaste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agentto put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite thingson your return trip.
TRAVELLING IN THE UK - ADVICE FOR AMERICANS Vocabulary The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say, "I'd love to cometo the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern wordfor what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeencents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a"great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriouslydemonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you shouldhold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down thestreet. Habits Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full unionwith Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certaincontinental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two-or three-hour siesta, which they call a "****." As this is still afairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people tooversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magneticpull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize andexplain that you were having a **** - everyone will understand andforgive you. Universities University archives and manuscript collections are still governed byquaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hencepatrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-potsand a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customswill signal the librarians that you are "in the know" - one of theinner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not postedanywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss thelibrarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI. One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford orCambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privatelyowned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to thepublic by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you areinterested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where thepublic yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil toprotect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can ofCrisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.That way people will know you are an experienced cottager. Food British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublimegastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robustdollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out severaltimes a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interruptingyour afternoon **** for). Few foreigners are aware that there areseveral grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the bestbottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp ofExcellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiteryou want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks atyour request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously backand forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, hemay offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite Britishwines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best winegrapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and EastAnglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When thebill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whateveryou think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which caseyou should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand thathe should run a tab for you. Transportation Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ridein London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxidriver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, youcharlatan!" then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers arerequired to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, payyour fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"),and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please takeme to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bitof harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requesteddestination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist(little does he know you're not so ignorant!). Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recentlymoved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village inWales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there,ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus for Kew. Don'tforget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called"bumbershoots" - it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles arecalled "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the"off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" onlymeans a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, youmust ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician"). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may bethe most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel forfree on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the baseof the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any ofthe state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimesdisturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappeswere smuggled into London in the early 19th century by Frenchsaboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and looktowards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwiseexcellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locatingthe Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and askone of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.) One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrowairport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an internationalJewish peace organization - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvytravellers know, this little white lie will assure you prioritytreatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you couldwaste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agentto put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite thingson your return trip.
