There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. His name is Kermit Jagger. He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, "Hi, I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad." The teller replied, "You need to see our loan officer. Her name is "Patricia Black." So the frog hops over to the loan officer's desk and sits down. When Patricia arrives she ask, "What can I do for you?" The frog says, "I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad." Patricia asked, "What do you have for collateral?" After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little froggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant."This is a very unusual form of collateral." said Patricia. "I'll have to check with our bank president to see if it's ok." Patricia goes to the president and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who wants a home loan and this white elephant is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?" The bank president takes the small white elephant and after carefully examining it hands it back to Patricia and says,"It's a nick-knack Patty Black give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Funnies
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Paddy and Mick
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your .......ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your .......ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
DEMENTIA?
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on
a bench outside a nursing home
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said,
"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said,
"Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on
a bench outside a nursing home
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said,
"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said,
"Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
WATCH TILL IT MOVES AND THEN COUNT THE PEOPLE*
Weird
Count them and wait!
Count them again after the picture has changed .. .
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM?
Don't ask me;
I haven't figured it out yet, that's why I sent it to you.
Weird
Count them and wait!
Count them again after the picture has changed .. .
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM?
Don't ask me;
I haven't figured it out yet, that's why I sent it to you.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "Why so many clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock."
"Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
He asked, "Why so many clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock."
"Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just
aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any
changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it
rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and
run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no
idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you
still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ...... from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far..
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet my ... everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time!
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just
aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any
changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it
rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and
run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no
idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you
still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ...... from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far..
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet my ... everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time!
Hahahahhaa, Gerry,
yes some very nice ones in there -----
my favs, -----
1. I think part of a best friend's job should beto immediately clear your computer history if youdie.
16. I hate leaving my house confident and lookinggood and then not seeing anyone of importance theentire day. What a waste.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say"What?" before you just nod and smile because you
still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. There's no worse feeling than thatmillisecond you're sure you are going to die afterleaning your chair back a little too far....................................
yes some very nice ones in there -----
my favs, -----
1. I think part of a best friend's job should beto immediately clear your computer history if youdie.
16. I hate leaving my house confident and lookinggood and then not seeing anyone of importance theentire day. What a waste.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say"What?" before you just nod and smile because you
still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. There's no worse feeling than thatmillisecond you're sure you are going to die afterleaning your chair back a little too far....................................
Today's word!
*Today's word is*........... 'Fluctuations'
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . she asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
*Today's word is*........... 'Fluctuations'
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . she asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
I agree, so funnyHiya jumi,
that is just soooooooooooooooo funny -- hahahahha
It reminded me of this (an italian in malta):
YouTube - The Italian Man Who went to Malta.
Great, I loved it.I agree, so funny
It reminded me of this (an italian in malta):
YouTube - The Italian Man Who went to Malta.
I agree, so funny
It reminded me of this (an italian in malta):
YouTube - The Italian Man Who went to Malta.
yeeeeessssyyyy -- hahahahahahahahaha
PASSWORD AUDIT
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary
was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary
was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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