Funny Quotes for the Day!

[butterbean03]

I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing tonight. Thank you, TV Guide!

 

[butterbean03]

If we default on our loan from China, will they repossess our elected officials?

 

[butterbean03]

I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.

 

[butterbean03]

Sometimes I think life is one big test and I’m in the wrong classroom.

 

[butterbean03]

I feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.

 

[butterbean03]

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 

[butterbean03]

The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you’re on time, people think you’re early.

 

[butterbean03]

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

[butterbean03]

What’s the best gym to pretend I go to?

 

[butterbean03]

Remember the good ol' days when people robbed gas stations... not the other way around?

 

[butterbean03]

My wife says she enjoys my company. Good thing I own it.

 

[butterbean03]

Remember the good ol' days when people robbed gas stations... not the other way around?

 

[Chopper71]

If your wife or girlfriend ever tells you she needs space.Simply tell her to join NASA.

 

[Chopper71]

Okay so now I'm here! so whats your other two wishes.

 

[zerominusone]

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

 

[butterbean03]

Good ones zero and chopper!

 

[butterbean03]

Why is there braille on the ATM drive-thru?

 

[butterbean03]

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

 

[butterbean03]

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

 

[butterbean03]

I never realized it at the time but when I was young my parents hated me. My bath tub toys were a radio and a toaster oven!