He went back to smoking

[Rule62]

As a person in 12 step recovery myself, and having worked with others who have come along after me, there's one thing I've learned the hard way: I'm not willing to work harder on anybody else's recovery, than they are willing to work, themselves. You just have to let them go. He may find his way back to vaping; he may not. But it's up to him. youve done everything for him; maybe too much, I don't know. But at this point, you're too close. Too invested. Hes embarrassed, and ashamed, of failure. That's why he's hiding cigarettes.

 

[Toronnah]

You used to smoke too. How many times did you try to quit?

Not everyone can quit when and how you tell them to.

 

[Bunnykiller]

You used to smoke too. How many times did you try to quit?

Not everyone can quit when and how you tell them to.

thats not the point.... when the other half is lying about it, hiding it, its something to consider when involving ones self in a long term relationship... today its smoking/vaping, later the finances, then the fidelity of the relationship...

 

[sc12]

Can't blame you for having bad feelings about this, Vaslovik. I would too. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

[issy]

You can't quit for him, but he did keep it from you, probably not wanting to disappoint you. But he still kept it from you - for a longgg time. If I slipped and bummed a cig from someone at work, I always told my OH and told him I was sorry. Best of luck how you handle this.

 

[mario23]

My wife still smokes though she wants to quit. I have set up a few devices for her but until she really makes the commitment there's nothing I can do. It's frustrating and I have to be careful not to be a douche about it but I really want to see her make an effort. I've been trying for a long time with her. I don't want to lose her to something so stupid. I haven't smoked for 7 months now thanks to vaping but without her it's just not good enough. I feel your pain!

Sent from my SM-T520 using Tapatalk

 

[Toronnah]

thats not the point.... when the other half is lying about it, hiding it, its something to consider when involving ones self in a long term relationship... today its smoking/vaping, later the finances, then the fidelity of the relationship...

You think he's the first person to try and hide an addiction? That's what addictions do. Or perhaps you forget what you used to do when you smoked.

 

[AndriaD]

So the man I've lived with for over 5 years now, and who I've looked after and taken care of all that time, the man who went to vaping over smoking with me two years ago, has gone back to smoking. He doesn't even bother carrying his little shirt pocket vape with him anymore. I sat with him at a bar today, enduring the stink of his cigarettes and excuses.

All along over the last two years his vape had to adapt to him, not him to it. It had to slip easily into his shirt pocket, and be effortless. He would not bother to recharge his ego batteries, or maintain his atomizer, I had to do that for him. It was too much bother for him and he would not put anything of himself into vaping. I got him a pair of 650 mAh ego batteries and a Kanger mini Protank that he could put in his shirt pocket. He liked that, but would not do anything at all to maintain it, not even fill it with juice or change his coil. I had to do that for him.

I set up a mech and genny for him to use at home, doing all the maintenance on it for him, but when he'd go out he'd take his small shirt pocket vape with him, and the battery would run out and he didn't carry the spare, or the coil would go bad, or it would run out of juice, because he would just not bother with those things. I bought coils for him, provided all the juice he could want, did all his maintenance on his vape to no avail.

One day he asked me to go look in his car for something, and in the center console I found two packs of cigarettes. At that point I knew I was getting nowhere and there was nothing I could do. He'd been hiding his smoking from me for perhaps a year, or more. So I just told him to go ahead and smoke if that's what he wants to do. I can't stop him, and I'd prefer he didn't feel he has to hide it from me. Looking back on it all I'm thinking maybe he's someone I don't want in my life anymore.

Anyone who was that unmotivated to have a care for themselves, I wouldn't care to associate with. Anyone who was dishonest with me at that level, for that long, I wouldn't care to associate with. But both...? He would have found his belongings in the front yard, and the locks changed.

Andria

 

[Jugband]

Sorry to hear this. I know it's disheartening. It's difficult for any vaper to understand the appeal of cigarettes. Sadly you can't make the choice for them. As they say, lead by example. Hoping for the best for you both.

 

[Bootiewootsy]

So Sorry for your situation. My husband tried vaping and I purchased several different tanks, batteries and so forth. Only when I got the green smokes he started to use them and said it had the same pull as a cigarette. Now he is battling two different cancers, small cell cancer in one lung and bladder cancer. both they say from smoking. He blames no one except himself for the years he enjoyed camels. I smoked for over 30 years a pack and half a day and one day just decided I wanted to try the ecig.. Never had another stinky. I was the one that made the decision for myself. I think that everyone has to have a desire to stop and it is harder for some than others.
I certainly feel for you and hope things work out the best for both of you.

 

[ENAUD]

Just wanted to wish you the best in however things turn out. Stay strong and true to yourself, and better days will surely follow.

 

[gofishtx]

Excuse me, but he was after me to get him that cigalike kit until I got it for him. He was quite enthusiastic about it for a while, and I didn't make that choice for him. His reason was the money spent on smoking. So please don't read things into our relationship that I've not stated. It almost sounds like you are looking to judge me.

my brother was the same way about vaping. A mouth cancer scare 3 years ago and since I was vaping and quit smoking he decided to give it a try. I chose him a mod like mine as he did not want to do the research, I also let him try some of my juices until he found something he liked. He vaped 2 weeks and went back to dipping. He still has the same equipment and burnt coils from the 1st go around when he got another mouth cancer scare just recently. I gave him some of my old mods with newer tanks and ordered him a big box mod like mine cause he said he wants to blow clouds. for the life of me I can not get him to understand about changing coils and setting wattage (I even made him a guide), I have to go over it all again at least once a week when I find him vaping on a burnt coil. Some guys are just lazy this way. If you say your guy is this way about other things too then I feel for you, but like the saying goes... you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink... It's up to you to decide how much you want to put up with. Sounds like smoking is not the only issue. I wish you luck in what ever you decide.

 

[AndriaD]

You are certainly right about that Bruce. What bothers me most about it was that he was so adamant about me getting him his starter kit, and made such a show of using it and always having it with him. Then I find out he's hiding cigarettes in his car. How long that was going on I can only guess, and of course it calls into question other things in our relationship.

This is really the crux of it -- letting you do all the "work" for him is bad enough; I'd have thrown it back to him about day 3 and said "this is a self-service establishment," made a joke of it. But being that dishonest, for that long.... There's just no way to ever trust someone who would do that, ever again, about anything. Trust is the most valuable commodity in any intimate relationship, and if someone is that cavalier about it.... SMH. Once it's broken, it's nearly impossible to get back, because that dishonesty will always be there in the back of your mind, with anything he ever does or says.

I had to learn this the hard way, in my first marriage -- *I* was the dishonest one, and it just doesn't work -- thank goodness I learned that lesson, so that my 2nd marriage could be successful. I've also been on the other end of dishonesty like that, a guy I was intimate with, years before my first marriage; it took me a long time to figure out that I couldn't trust him even as far as I could SEE him, because he would lie about anything, everything, all the time, just for the hell of it. There's just no way to have a good relationship with someone who can't be trusted.

Andria

 

[Bejeebus]

We were all that addict. Until we decided it was time. He just hasn't yet. I can't like this reply. None of us are the Final Arbiters in any of this.

I don't care if you 'like' my reply or not, but I feel compelled to point out that my comment said:
"an addict who can't - or won't - change"

We are addicts who were able to make a change. I consider myself an addict even though I am not smoking cigs - which is why I referred to him as one who can't/won't/isn't ready to make the change. I wasn't calling him out as *gasp* an addict.

 

[VNeil]

I don't care if you 'like' my reply or not, but I feel compelled to point out that my comment said:
"an addict who can't - or won't - change"

We are addicts who were able to make a change. I consider myself an addict even though I am not smoking cigs - which is why I referred to him as one who can't/won't/isn't ready to make the change. I wasn't calling him out as *gasp* an addict.

If you were not calling him out as an addict then why did you mention the word? Surely you know that in the context you used it you are calling him the scum of the Earth. You may want to deny that but I know context when I see it, and I doubt I am in the minority on that.

Please do not reply and argue what you meant, that you used addict in some warm and fuzzy way or some other new age thing. What counts here is not what you claim to mean when called out but how things are generally interpreted. I rest my case. Have a nice day.

 

[Bejeebus]

If you were not calling him out as an addict then why did you mention the word? Surely you know that in the context you used it you are calling him the scum of the Earth. You may want to deny that but I know context when I see it, and I doubt I am in the minority on that.

Please do not reply and argue what you meant, that you used addict in some warm and fuzzy way or some other new age thing. What counts here is not what you claim to mean when called out but how things are generally interpreted. I rest my case. Have a nice day.

omg you are just too funny.

 

[AndriaD]

None of this is about his addiction.

It's about TRUST. Once it's broken, it's damn hard, if not impossible, to ever get it back.

Andria

 

[DigitalOccupation23]

So the man I've lived with for over 5 years now, and who I've looked after and taken care of all that time, the man who went to vaping over smoking with me two years ago, has gone back to smoking. He doesn't even bother carrying his little shirt pocket vape with him anymore. I sat with him at a bar today, enduring the stink of his cigarettes and excuses.

All along over the last two years his vape had to adapt to him, not him to it. It had to slip easily into his shirt pocket, and be effortless. He would not bother to recharge his ego batteries, or maintain his atomizer, I had to do that for him. It was too much bother for him and he would not put anything of himself into vaping. I got him a pair of 650 mAh ego batteries and a Kanger mini Protank that he could put in his shirt pocket. He liked that, but would not do anything at all to maintain it, not even fill it with juice or change his coil. I had to do that for him.

I set up a mech and genny for him to use at home, doing all the maintenance on it for him, but when he'd go out he'd take his small shirt pocket vape with him, and the battery would run out and he didn't carry the spare, or the coil would go bad, or it would run out of juice, because he would just not bother with those things. I bought coils for him, provided all the juice he could want, did all his maintenance on his vape to no avail.

One day he asked me to go look in his car for something, and in the center console I found two packs of cigarettes. At that point I knew I was getting nowhere and there was nothing I could do. He'd been hiding his smoking from me for perhaps a year, or more. So I just told him to go ahead and smoke if that's what he wants to do. I can't stop him, and I'd prefer he didn't feel he has to hide it from me. Looking back on it all I'm thinking maybe he's someone I don't want in my life anymore.

Ok, first of all.. if someone smokes you should want them out of your life just because they smoke.. maybe he hid it because you tried to push it on him and he didn't want you to get on him about it...it's seriously rediculous to want to cut someone off because they smoke cigarettes, It a pack of smokes not a syringe with a little baggy of ...., I understand you don't want him to smoke, if you didn't know for a whole year then he must have had mints and cologne, just tell him that you don't want to smell it and that he can smoke if he wants! I man is a man and he shouldnt have to deal with someone who he has been with for 2 YEARS leaving him just because he enjoys a good smoke. That is so petty!!

 

[DigitalOccupation23]

Yes, that's about where I'm at anymore. I think I'm just a lot better off by myself having been through so many years of this with men. At this point I'm just not up for any more of it.

Your sick of men huh? Not all of them are bums. You sound very very controlling and you should just let him be. If your so sick of men maybe you should date a fellow female tobacco-nazi.. a controlling one at that and see how you like it. I guarantee youll be smoke 2 packs ago to keep from killing your partner.

 

[DigitalOccupation23]

None of this is about his addiction.

It's about TRUST. Once it's broken, it's damn hard, if not impossible, to ever get it back.

Andria

Trust huh? It's a pack of cigarettes not an Ashley Madison account and some dirty emails