He went back to smoking

[jbok]

Without getting into the particulars of the relationship I will say that it's not just about smoking, that's just the latest disappointment. That I had to do it all for him with his vaping mirrors our entire relationship, and I'm pretty tired of having to deal with a lazy little boy in a grown man's body.

Mmm... Yeah men can be real selfish especially when they have someone who coddles them all the time. Maybe you should just call his bluff and split for a little bit to give him time to see what he has lost. And only return once you know for sure that his heart has changed. It's sad to see love go sour.


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[mcclintock]

Catching the vaping bug is a weird thing. It may be that it's doomed if he doesn't think it was his idea. Sometimes it can be just finding a special flavor. Others enjoy fancy equipment and/or what it does, even though others don't. The vaper needs to get active to make these things possible, unless you can bring a whole vape store home with you (him ordering from the 'net would be fine).

I don't know if I could have transitioned with someone pushing me. I did it very slow (9 mos.). I still smoke part of a cig at least once a month due to the increased physical effect over vapor, and I don't like the idea that vaping would completely keep me from enjoying one if I want. The ability to do it at my own speed was essential to even being willing to try it in the first place. The difference was I liked it enough that when I did make progress, I didn't go back.

 

[Robino1]

So the man I've lived with for over 5 years now, and who I've looked after and taken care of all that time, the man who went to vaping over smoking with me two years ago, has gone back to smoking. He doesn't even bother carrying his little shirt pocket vape with him anymore. I sat with him at a bar today, enduring the stink of his cigarettes and excuses.

All along over the last two years his vape had to adapt to him, not him to it. It had to slip easily into his shirt pocket, and be effortless. He would not bother to recharge his ego batteries, or maintain his atomizer, I had to do that for him. It was too much bother for him and he would not put anything of himself into vaping. I got him a pair of 650 mAh ego batteries and a Kanger mini Protank that he could put in his shirt pocket. He liked that, but would not do anything at all to maintain it, not even fill it with juice or change his coil. I had to do that for him.

I set up a mech and genny for him to use at home, doing all the maintenance on it for him, but when he'd go out he'd take his small shirt pocket vape with him, and the battery would run out and he didn't carry the spare, or the coil would go bad, or it would run out of juice, because he would just not bother with those things. I bought coils for him, provided all the juice he could want, did all his maintenance on his vape to no avail.

One day he asked me to go look in his car for something, and in the center console I found two packs of cigarettes. At that point I knew I was getting nowhere and there was nothing I could do. He'd been hiding his smoking from me for perhaps a year, or more. So I just told him to go ahead and smoke if that's what he wants to do. I can't stop him, and I'd prefer he didn't feel he has to hide it from me. Looking back on it all I'm thinking maybe he's someone I don't want in my life anymore.

Thank you for that. When we both started vaping he was so enthusiastic about it, and I got him a cigalike kit, because he wouldn't deal with anything he could not put in his shirt pocket. He seemed to be doing so well with that, for a while. But over time I moved on to better and more advanced hardware, and he'd just tread water with that cigalike kit. When he got frustrated with it I had to get him something better, because he wouldn't bother to find out anything on his own or do it himself. He left his vaping up to me to deal with. I just wanted to keep him off the cigarettes, but I guess it was a lost cause from the start, because he wasn't willing to put himself into it.

Mind you, vaping isn't the only thing he's like this about, and I'm feeling ready to end it with him.

Without getting into the particulars of the relationship I will say that it's not just about smoking, that's just the latest disappointment. That I had to do it all for him with his vaping mirrors our entire relationship, and I'm pretty tired of having to deal with a lazy little boy in a grown man's body.

You are certainly right about that Bruce. What bothers me most about it was that he was so adamant about me getting him his starter kit, and made such a show of using it and always having it with him. Then I find out he's hiding cigarettes in his car. How long that was going on I can only guess, and of course it calls into question other things in our relationship.

I'm bringing these forward since people tend to read the first post only and not the entire thread.

To me it sounds as if there is a much deeper problem other that vaping issues going on here, as the OP stated in the second post she made.

The vaping issue is the catalyst, the straw that is breaking the camels back.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Deciding on whether or not to end a relationship is never an easy thing to deal with. You almost have to project out to the future and try to figure out if you want to continue the same cycle with the guy or not. The old adage comes to mind: You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself.

Same for him.

A heart to heart talk is in order. If he feels like he cannot change himself ...... At least you will have a better understanding of where you stand and an insight to what you need to do.

*I'm not a counselor and my thoughts are my own*

 

[ReigntheGamer]

I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do because only you know if it's bad enough to leave or good enough to stay. What I will say is don't let the fear of what the future may or may not hold sway your decision. I wish you the best.

 

[bluecat]

I am a little bit the same as him. I miss the easiness of a smoke. Pop a smoke in flip a lighter and enjoy the first puff. Nothing to it. Vape is so complicated compared to that. I despise to the nth degree charging batteries. I hate building coils. I hate dry hits. I don't mind mixing the liquids. We as vapers as we look around are basically forced to use an advanced setup. Those of us who use a gas station smoke are laughed at. Why bother? I force myself through it but I can also see why someone wouldn't want to.

To leave someone over smoking though? Maybe you should just accept him for what he is. Smoking is not the "evil" brethren people make it out to be.

 

[Robino1]

I am a little bit the same as him. I miss the easiness of a smoke. Pop a smoke in flip a lighter and enjoy the first puff. Nothing to it. Vape is so complicated compared to that. I despise to the nth degree charging batteries. I hate building coils. I hate dry hits. I don't mind mixing the liquids. We as vapers as we look around are basically forced to use an advanced setup. Those of us who use a gas station smoke are laughed at. Why bother? I force myself through it but I can also see why someone wouldn't want to.

To leave someone over smoking though? Maybe you should just accept him for what he is. Smoking is not the "evil" brethren people make it out to be.

It is not just about the smoking/vaping.... It is the catalyst of underlying issues that follow this trend in her life with him.

 

[bluecat]

It is not just about the smoking/vaping.... It is the catalyst of underlying issues that follow this trend in her life with him.

I guess I should have read all the pages. Just responding to the post and trying not to assume. In any family unit there are always problems, rich poor and in between.. Some can be worked through and others can't. Marriage ain't easy.

To leave someone over the individual smoking instead of vaping is silly and would suggest other issues.

Now my sister who was a battered wife was an easy choice. Unfortunately not for her. Finally ended up with me in jail for the night and him in the hospital. I never liked that guy.

 

[edyle]

I guess I should have read all the pages. Just responding to the post and trying not to assume. In any family unit there are always problems, rich poor and in between.. Some can be worked through and others can't. Marriage ain't easy.

To leave someone over the individual smoking instead of vaping is silly and would suggest other issues.

Now my sister who was a battered wife was an easy choice. Unfortunately not for her. Finally ended up with me in jail for the night and him in the hospital. I never liked that guy.

It would have been different if he didn't used to smoke and then he became a smoker during the relationship.
But this seems to be a case where the relationship started between two smokers.
She quit smoking and switched to vape.
He apparently tried but so far failed.

Fortunately they're not married, so all options are open.

 

[Bejeebus]

Makes me think of the 'horse to water' saying.. can't make him drink... or vape in this situation. You have to figure out how much of your life you want to keep spending on an addict who can't - or won't - change: "the serenity to accept what you can't change ... and the COURAGE to change what you can" Don't throw away your life energy on someone who seems to not really care. He has to come around! He has to start caring and making changes for himself. You can't care about him FOR him... it's hard to do sometimes, but ya gotta take care of yourself.

 

[crompers]

You can't change who someone is, you have to either accept them or look elsewhere.

Good luck and sorry to hear about your difficulties.

 

[bluecat]

It would have been different if he didn't used to smoke and then he became a smoker during the relationship.
But this seems to be a case where the relationship started between two smokers.
She quit smoking and switched to vape.
He apparently tried but so far failed.

Fortunately they're not married, so all options are open.

Not sure how it would be different, but that's just me I guess. To think that a relationship would be the same 20 years in the future, is fallacy. I know my 20 years of marriage has changed.

The good thing about failure is one can always try again.

Ahhh. I did not know they weren't married. I guess I should have read more carefully. Until there is a commitment, one is free to do as the wish. Well they are free to do so at any time, really. Free to leave and free to smoke.

 

[nebulis]

Without getting into the particulars of the relationship I will say that it's not just about smoking, that's just the latest disappointment. That I had to do it all for him with his vaping mirrors our entire relationship, and I'm pretty tired of having to deal with a lazy little boy in a grown man's body.

I am very sorry that you have heartache. Let me tell just one thing (take it if you can use it and leave it if not):

You did not have to do it for him. It was you who chose to do it (and all the other things you mention) for him.
This sure tells something about him - but it takes two for a constellation like this. So stop thinking about his needs, think about yourself.

 

[roxynoodle]

This isn't about not quitting smoking. That's just what she was focused on initially yesterday, which led to her seeing the other unhealthy aspects of their relationship. Relationships are very complex. And sometimes we hold on longer than we should because when you love someone, you don't want to give up easily. We want to "fix things" rather than accept people rarely change, and he may not be who she thought or hoped he was. And when we love someone, sometimes its very hard to see things we don't want to see, even when those things are bad for us.

 

[crxess]

Good days and bad days.
My wife and I have worked through and overcome many a bad situation. She has her life, I have my life and We have OUR life together. We have learned a lot along the way and found communication is the only way to resolution.
40yrs. and counting.

Hope you have better days ahead.

 

[VNeil]

@Vaslovik... How long were you a committed smoker? If, a couple years before you quit, you got interested in the idea of vaping and tried it, you might have failed too. It might not have been "your time" yet.

Perhaps you just have to empathize with him, that he isn't ready to quit. Yet. Maybe next year. Maybe never.

You can't force your personal timeline on him.

Just my thoughts. And these thoughts may or may not apply to other aspects of your relationship. I was just focused on the smoking part. No relationship is perfect. It's a matter of deal breakers and how it all nets out. It's never easy. Never. I hope you find some peace in your life. I haven't yet.

 

[Str8vision]

The underlying, accumulating relationship issues you mention are likely enhancing/aggravating your reaction to his smoking. Could be the reason he concealed his smoking from you was that he knew it would spark an argument, that in of itself indicates serious underlying problems/issues in the relationship. If both parties aren't open and honest with each other trouble is inevitable.

I vape and my wife smokes. Her smoking doesn't bother me one iota. She fully supported my venture into the world of vaping and never batted an eye when I set up a "mad scientist" lab for extracting flavor from tobacco and began mixing flavored NET. She did try vaping (because she knows she should quit smoking), sampling juice from Ahlusion, Nicoticket, TPR and others, but her heart wasn't really in it and she continued smoking. She knows smoking is bad for her health but until "she" is intent on, and firmly committed to quitting, she won't. I don't nag, instead I encourage and support "her" thoughts of quitting whenever the topic comes up. Understanding, compromise, selfless devotion, compassion, sacrifice and honesty are relationship builders but -only- if both parties participate. If only one of the parties are, then it really isn't a good, healthy relationship.

 

[VNeil]

Makes me think of the 'horse to water' saying.. can't make him drink... or vape in this situation. You have to figure out how much of your life you want to keep spending on an addict who can't - or won't - change: "the serenity to accept what you can't change ... and the COURAGE to change what you can" Don't throw away your life energy on someone who seems to not really care. He has to come around! He has to start caring and making changes for himself. You can't care about him FOR him... it's hard to do sometimes, but ya gotta take care of yourself.

We were all that addict. Until we decided it was time. He just hasn't yet. I can't like this reply. None of us are the Final Arbiters in any of this.

 

[Hans Wermhat]

I think @Rixsta and @Robino1 pretty much summed up what I think.

 

[cllmda]

So the man I've lived with for over 5 years now, and who I've looked after and taken care of all that time, the man who went to vaping over smoking with me two years ago, has gone back to smoking. He doesn't even bother carrying his little shirt pocket vape with him anymore. I sat with him at a bar today, enduring the stink of his cigarettes and excuses.

All along over the last two years his vape had to adapt to him, not him to it. It had to slip easily into his shirt pocket, and be effortless. He would not bother to recharge his ego batteries, or maintain his atomizer, I had to do that for him. It was too much bother for him and he would not put anything of himself into vaping. I got him a pair of 650 mAh ego batteries and a Kanger mini Protank that he could put in his shirt pocket. He liked that, but would not do anything at all to maintain it, not even fill it with juice or change his coil. I had to do that for him.

I set up a mech and genny for him to use at home, doing all the maintenance on it for him, but when he'd go out he'd take his small shirt pocket vape with him, and the battery would run out and he didn't carry the spare, or the coil would go bad, or it would run out of juice, because he would just not bother with those things. I bought coils for him, provided all the juice he could want, did all his maintenance on his vape to no avail.

One day he asked me to go look in his car for something, and in the center console I found two packs of cigarettes. At that point I knew I was getting nowhere and there was nothing I could do. He'd been hiding his smoking from me for perhaps a year, or more. So I just told him to go ahead and smoke if that's what he wants to do. I can't stop him, and I'd prefer he didn't feel he has to hide it from me. Looking back on it all I'm thinking maybe he's someone I don't want in my life anymore.

you know, it really sounds to me like he never wanted to stop smoking. Dont blame yourself, you've clearly done everything you could &more....

 

[K_Tech]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, Vaslovik. It's a shame, but sometimes people aren't a good fit for vaping - or for each other.

I hope things start to look up for you.