Help my son in vaping underaged

[vapdivrr]

Lol... your so right on that. Kids will push any boundary they think they can, and sometimes tough love is best.

Times have definitely changed.

I often think if I had kids I would never let them get away with this, and perhaps bring them up like I was, but in reality I don't think you can.....I know it's not easy today and can't imagine what it will be like in the future....I'm pretty sure in time, you won't even be able to yell at your child.....what's this world coming to[emoji19]

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[Opinionated]

Time to find a new doctor. Your doctor should have referred you immediately to a mental health professional for a potentially suicidal depressed kid. You need professional help.

While that is the advice of the day, and it's good advice even, it's not necessarily indicative of a child who truly wants to die, but rather a child who is seeking to manipulate circumstances and rules, by any means necessary.

A desire to actually commit suicide is something that hits most parents without warning, or with such subtle warning signs most parents miss it.

I see a child willing to go to any lengths to get their way here - but that's my opinion only.

I do think a mental healthcare professional is in order here, for the simple fact this is manipulating to an extreme that needs to be dealt with whatever underlying problems there may be, of which there are probably many.

 

[AzPlumber]

Sounds like the son has drawn a line in the sand in hopes of you giving in. 13 year old's will push the boundaries as hard as they can get away with. He has decided the vape is his ticket to be a cool kid, peer pressure can be a rough experience. I don't envy your situation, kids will find a way.

 

[lil_buddy]

While that is the advice of the day, and it's good advice even, it's not necessarily indicative of a child who truly wants to die, but rather a child who is seeking to manipulate circumstances and rules, by any means necessary.

Long story, but due to my daughter being raped she attempted suicide. There was no warning, no mom I want to die.... there was simply a very nearly successful suicide attempt.

A desire to actually commit suicide is something that hits most without warning, or with such subtle warning signs most parents miss it.

I see a child willing to go to any lengths to get their way here - but that's my opinion only.

I do think a mental healthcare professional is in order here, for the simple fact this is manipulating to an extreme that needs to be dealt with whatever underlying problems there may be, of which there are probably many.

I have no idea if we are talking about "a child who truly wants to die" - I don't know what anyone *truly* thinks or wants. All I know is that the OP is concerned enough about suicide to mention it and I think there's a convincing case to suspect the kid is suffering from depression

 

[Opinionated]

I have no idea if we are talking about "a child who truly wants to die" - I don't know what anyone *truly* thinks or wants. All I know is that the OP is concerned enough about suicide to mention it and I think there's a convincing case to suspect the kid is suffering from depression

To make it easier - this is what I'm saying :

How To Handle a Teen’s Dramatic or Manipulative Suicide Threat

And:

Suicide often not preceded by warnings - Harvard Health Blog

 

[Katya]

and also he says that he is going to take the bus to school but instead he just takes a walk and wait until i leave and then stays home. And if i give him a ride he just takes a buss back home when i leave. I am just not sure if i should let hin do it but not show to anyone or showing of on social media etc.

Hi, Mom. I really don't understand this--are you telling us he's missing school frequently? And what does the school do? Don't you get phone calls from the school office asking what's going on? From teachers? Have you talked to them? This is your first line of defense. Teachers, principal, school counselor--they are there to help you and your kid. You don't even have to mention vaping--just ask them what they think is going on. I can't imagine a situation where a bright student suddenly stops showing up for classes and nobody cares?

Have you talked to your son? Asked him why he wants his vape back? Is it peer pressure? Does he have friends who vape? Is he perhaps being bullied, laughed at, ostracized?

Next step is a good child psychologist. If your kid is clinically depressed or has sudden difficulties in school no amount of "discipline" will help. You need professional help from someone who's well trained and understands children and adolescents. Please do me a favor and do not seek help for your child online. Nobody here is qualified to dispense medical advice.

Good luck!

 

[stols001]

I raised my kiddo in a much gentler way than my parents. I never hit him, it is absolutely unnecessary. But, I also never allowed him to accept a participation trophy, I didn't enable him, and he got consequences. In fact, most of the time it was me and my husband struggling against my MOM trying to undermine our parenting (even though she herself beat us senseless at times).

With all that said, there is a happy medium. All hitting someone teaches a kid quite often is that they can hit other people once they are big. You can be loving and caring and still enforce consequences.

I don't know this kid, his upbringing, his circumstances, which is WHY I would NEVER SAY ignore the suicidal threat, because that is simply neglectful (as is not going home and getting the kid and DRAGGING him to school. But, for all I know this is a single mom without access to a lot of resources, she may be struggling herself and having a very hard time.

The best way to handle a manipulative suicidal threat is to treat it as real.. Either the kid will back down, in which case they are being manipulative, or if VERY stubborn, being on a locked unit for a day or two (no vaping there) is an EXCELLENT learning tool.

Life is a lot harder for parents these days, there were times me and the husband were both working two jobs to afford private school and etc., but fortunately I always had a relative handy to corral the kid if needed, and an understanding MAIN job that understands that moms with teens have to take time off sometimes.

When I had to get the kid in rehab quickly, I was attending my yearly SW conference. Halfway through day one, I bailed. Since he was rejected by the first rehab since he was dual dx (and apparently told the cops to just shoot him-- smart move kiddo) I then had to go collect him and babysit him for the next 3 days while I was on the phone with Cigna, setting up a single case agreement for him to go to Sierra Tucson since they had no in-state dual dx facilities. I explained all this to my job AFTER the fact, and offered to reimburse my tuition for attendance that they paid for, as well as put in PTO after the fact, but they turned me down. With that said, I've had some great jobs over the years. Not all parents are so lucky.

Anna

 

[OlderNDirt]

Perhaps a vaping message board is not the appropriate venue for your situation? Not that there are not knowledgeable folks here, but your issue is not confined to vaping. There are a lot of other activities which could be substituted for vaping now as well as could/will come up in the future. Your 13 year old son has backed you tightly into a corner and you, and only you and your spouse can work your way out. Only you can make the choice if you have the means and ability to do it alone or seek help with your response, not on a message board, but with a or several "specialists." Vaping, or any other unacceptable activity is not your problem. It's your son's belief that he, and he alone controls his and your actions!

 

[r77r7r]

Such a sudden behavior change shouldn't be caused by vaping 0 nic.

I had a good (older) kid who was willing to work with me, but he didn't completely change to aberrant behaviors the minute I told him no about something. With that said, yours is 13, he may genuinely feel that way, or he may be trying desperately to get his vape back.

GIVEN the fact that he began skipping school and etc the minute you set a limit though, that kind of shows he isn't responsible enough to respect your limits and/or not bring the vape places he should not, which places you at a greater risk as his mother that he will do something insanely dumb with it.

Having grown a kid AND worked with many other families (I am therapist) I actually second Topwater Elvis's advice. I know it is very scary to have your son act this way, I'm sure, doing all this over a 0 nic vape is concerning-- either his cognitive reasoning skills aren't were they need to be yet, or he is genuinely suicidal and needs help. I would suggest finding a family counselor.

Because you've taken his vape away and he has immediately started testing the waters DO NOT give his vape back, you will be rewarding either suicidal behavior when you don't do what he wants, or you will further reinforce acting out behaviors to get what he wants. The solution can NEVER be "You can have your vape back" at this point. Do you want to have to go through the same cycle when you find other MORE illegal substances in his room and he becomes "suicidal" or suicidal (faked or not)? Because if you give his vape back NOW then that is what you are setting yourself up for the rest of his adolescence. Do not do that to YOURSELF or YOUR FAMILY, it will be a total nightmare. Just my thoughts, again, you are going to have to do what you need to do.

I'm not entirely certain that your son ISN'T using 0 nic and no "additive" liquid, but you could get the bottle tested, or buy an at home urine test kit (they aren't that much) and find out exactly what else he is getting into. Also, if he continues to hold fast to the "suicidal ideation," then a few days on a locked unit may help him (if it's real, or if it's merely a threat.) Sometimes taking teens and their threats at face value can be absolutely helpful in terms of learning a lesson, or becoming less suicidal. .I still think a psychological evaluation may be in order, from a doc who can decide if he needs inpatient or not. With the threat of that, you will be able to discover if he is sincere, or messing with you. I'd actually hope for the latter, myself, although harsh and real boundaries can be hard to enforce. You should also report him to the truancy board at his school (IMO).

Best of luck,

Anna

Great post, Anna.

 

[madstabber]

I don’t think your child vaping is so detrimental to his health that him using it for a little while will hurt him. Having said that I’d give it back to him for the time being until a better solution can be reached. Like others have said he needs professional help because of the threats of suicide. It may have been an empty threat to get his way or serious but either way if him vaping keeps him from making a terrible decision than let him have it to postpone him hurting himself until a better solution can be reached. Good luck and I hope all is well, I very recently lost a lifelong friend to suicide and I hope that everything works out for your son and family.

 

[jfcooley]

Ok, I'm confused a bit, what exactly are we supposed to offer HERE that would make any difference?

Depression or not, my child would not get the vape back, and I'd only be sharing any of this with close family and a certified physician/councilor.

My 2¢.

 

[Hawise]

To make it easier - this is what I'm saying :

How To Handle a Teen’s Dramatic or Manipulative Suicide Threat

And:

Suicide often not preceded by warnings - Harvard Health Blog

While suicide threats certainly can be manipulative, there's a pervasive myth that "the people who talk about it aren't the ones who do it." This is NOT true. As the links say, there may be no warning signs, or there may be plenty of warning signs, including discussion of suicide.

I know your first link acknowledges this, but I think we've come close enough to the myth that it should be stated outright and not in the link that it is a myth. Someone talking about suicide should always be taken seriously.

 

[Topwater Elvis]

I can't believe no one has recommended getting professional help in an instance like this.

Oh wait,,, it has been mentioned... in dang near every response.

Talk or threats of suicide should be reacted to immediately, like right now, not 3 minutes from now.

It isn't that vaping may or may not cause harm, it is vaping is illegal for minors & can come with consequences for both parents & child.
Giving in to a child's desire to do something illegal and/or allowing them to do something illegal is a stupendously bad precedent to set.

 

[SteveS45]

Back when I was caught smoking at a young age like the OP's son, in those days you wanted to smoke so they made you smoke until you turned green. Now since vaping is different and safer you could spike his Zero Nicotine and force him to vape a good amount until he gets a nasty headache and stomach ache. Probably will not want to vape after that. Just a thought and not a recommended course of action although it is an option. Worked wonders 40 plus years ago with smoking.

 

[jfcooley]

Back in my day we got our butts whipped.
Not a beating, just a good ol'fashioned "pick your switch" whipping.

Learnt us real good.

 

[Wraith504]

My parents took both routes when raising me. First option I got whipped, things taken away, door removed from my room so I couldnt hide anything etc. When none of that work they kind of went the reverse psychology route. They allowed me to do whatever I wanted as long as it was at home in their presence. At first I thought wow how cool, I can smoke ciggys and smoke a (other stuff) etc. and my parents are ok with it. After about 2 weeks the idea of it was boring and no longer satisfying because I wasnt actually getting away with anything which is what the real thrill was all about. Mentioning suicide is yet a whole other level that requires professional medical attention. Do not ever assume your child is crying wolf in this situation.
GOOD LUCK!

 

[Hawise]

Back in my day we got our butts whipped.
Not a beating, just a good ol'fashioned "pick your switch" whipping.

Learnt us real good.

It worked so well you never took up smoking?

 

[jfcooley]

It worked so well you never took up smoking?

Not as a kid I didn't. I didn't start until I was in my 20's.

I know it's old fashioned and frowned on. But personally we've become so touchy feely we fail to actually help teach life lessons. Kids expect everything, want it handed to them. Want participation trophies for showing up to work, speak when they should be listening, and moving heaven and Earth to manipulate anyone not willing to tell them to shut up.

We live in a world where we worry about sharing our lives and getting likes. Dicipline doesn't get you that thumbs up.

This thread is about a behavioral/psychological problem and not about vaping. If it were my child I'd spend the time it took to type this making a phone call to a therapist/hospital. As unpopular as that may make me, I don't care. I understand being stressed and needing advice...about your cat, about your choice of clothes. Your child's mental health isn't something I believe should be posted on a freaking vaping forum, especially when the underlying issue had bupkiss to do with vaping.

If this kid is in need, I pray someone steps up and physically hauls him to help. I know suicide. I know it well. Still angry and that never goes away. So mom, stop dicking around and get the kid help.

Now, I've spent my 2¢, and more. I'm in debt now and will retire from this thread. Those that may disagree, I respect you and your opinion, maybe we'll spar over it another time.

 

[niczgreat]

I can't advise you about whether to allow to vape or not. There is a case for both sides.

But from the way you are describing the situation, it appears that his behavior is outside the norm and he needs to see a mental health professional.

 

[BackDoc]

Not as a kid I didn't. I didn't start until I was in my 20's.

I know it's old fashioned and frowned on. But personally we've become so touchy feely we fail to actually help teach life lessons. Kids expect everything, want it handed to them. Want participation trophies for showing up to work, speak when they should be listening, and moving heaven and Earth to manipulate anyone not willing to tell them to shut up.

We live in a world where we worry about sharing our lives and getting likes. Dicipline doesn't get you that thumbs up.

This thread is about a behavioral/psychological problem and not about vaping. If it were my child I'd spend the time it took to type this making a phone call to a therapist/hospital. As unpopular as that may make me, I don't care. I understand being stressed and needing advice...about your cat, about your choice of clothes. Your child's mental health isn't something I believe should be posted on a freaking vaping forum, especially when the underlying issue had bupkiss to do with vaping.

If this kid is in need, I pray someone steps up and physically hauls him to help. I know suicide. I know it well. Still angry and that never goes away. So mom, stop dicking around and get the kid help.

Now, I've spent my 2¢, and more. I'm in debt now and will retire from this thread. Those that may disagree, I respect you and your opinion, maybe we'll spar over it another time.

well spoken!