I love things like this
sooo.
Do fish ever sneeze?
-No, they have no nose
Can sour cream go bad?
-yes it will turn to liquid then grow mold
What is the speed of dark?
-The speed of dark is the same speed of Light, just a different spectrum
Why do clocks run clockwise?
-most do, but there are anti-clockwise clocks available. The reason it runs this way is due to the spring tensioner was originally designed this way and was kept
Why do doughnuts have holes?
-Originally they did not. The holes were made to speed up the cooking process and allow it to cook all the way through without burning.
What do you call a male ladybug?
-Ladybug
Is there another word for synonym?
- rejected duplicate taxonomic name
What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Encyclopedia
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- the word came from middle English elleven meaning is one remaining.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-The fur has not been processed and woven
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-depends on how devout as it contains butter and milk.
Why does unscented hair spray smell?
-the smell comes from the propellant that dissipates after it dries.
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
-This is based off the speed of the descent.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- No. Disgruntled is to irritate. If you De-grunt them you can cut the vocal cords then they would bleat
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-To allow them to remain corneous if they hit their head against the canopy in turbulence
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
-Only if you have permission from your parents.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
-ok
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-silk and lace feel good.
What do ducks have to do with duck tape?
-Duct Tape, not ducktape
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
-Cats eat what they chase. Why arent there .... flavored dog biscuits?
How and why do horses sleep standing up?
-By closing their eyes. They continue to graze too.
Why do ketchup bottles have narrow necks?
-Because its in a bottle, not a jar.
Why don't people snore when they're awake?
- Because their epiglotus is not that relaxed during wake.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
-No
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-It is.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-Squashed Yams
Yumm.
Is a clear conscience a sign of a bad memory?
-Yes, ask anyone that has Altzimers
What happens to the tread that wears off tires?
-They are left on the road.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
-Because it will mold
What does the phrase "Now then" really mean?
-It is a spacer used by people to allow them to think before they speak.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
-When you start to see what you are writing.
Suppose the hokey-pokey is what its all about?
-ok.
Are Santa's helpers called subordinate clauses?
-No, they are called Elfs
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
-No, but if you milk a bull it will become your friend.
Why are people immune to their own body odor?
-because the brain filters out things that are a constant around us.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-Because they are con-artists
Why do people like to pop bubble wrap so much?
-Humans tend to enjoy destruction, this is a lot of destruction in a small area.
Do crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
-No
Do they use sterilized needles for fatal injections?
-Yes, they even use alcohol pads to prep prior to sticking in the leads. Infection is serious folks.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
-based off the density of the lead.
Why do you never hear about gruntled employees?
-nope
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
-To some people bliss is a state of contentedness.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Nothing
If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
-some prefer to stay in Congress
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
-Silly, cheese doesnt talk, it whistles.
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
-Why is it that when you send something by truck it's called a shipment, but when you send it by ship it's called cargo?
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
-The speed is constant.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
-In the bleachers on the moon.
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
-yes, always tip your priests.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-we darken due to the release of pigment.
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
-Second as in series of time, not 2nd.
If a book about failures doesn't sell well, is it a success?
-No it would be a failed failure.
Would you still be hungry if you ate pasta and antipasta?
-Depends on the amount you consumed.
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-As it stretches the skin allowing more accurate of a coverage.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
-A terminal is also known as a Terminus which is the end of the line.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-Nothing is free.
Why must there be five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
-because if you tried to say it in one syllable, it would be jibber jabber.
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-There are, but they can also erase peoples minds
. What was that again?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
-To give us something to pick our teeth with when we are out searching for Brains!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Yes
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
-By a baby press. You have to do it quick before the diaper gets full.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-ok
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
-Internet Rambos will catch it.
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
-It keeps your laundry apart from the neighbors.
If you go to a general store, will they let you buy anything specific?
-Yes, the term general store means all goods not divided into departments.
When dogs bark for hour on end, why don't they ever get hoarse?
-They dont have the same type of vocal cords that can vibrate, they are made of a coarser material.
What size were hailstones before the game of golf was invented?
-Doubloon
If 7-11 is open 24 h/d, 365 d/yr, why are there locks on the doors?
-During restocking, counting the receipts and the one time you really need a slurpy.
Why do we say that something is out of whack? What is a whack?
-A swift sharp blow. If it is out, then you wont hit it straight.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-Yes
Why do superficial paper cuts tend to hurt more than grosser cuts?
-because your nerve cells are closer to the service.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
-Part of being teflon is to be cured in heat. Prior to being cured it is a mixture.
If we're here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
-To be helped.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-correct.
Why is experience something you don't get until just after you need it?
-The same reason you stop looking for something after you found it.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest also have to drown?
-Only if they are Lawyers.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
-suitcases were around prior to garment bags.
Why is the period of the day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
-Because people are rushing home.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-because by the time you take the parachute out, you are hitting the ground.
Should we be concerned that engineers describe their work as "practice?"
-No.
How do they keep all the raisins in a cereal box from falling to the bottom?
-the size of the flakes keeps them secure in the area they originally fell.
If cement was invented 7,000 years ago, why isn't the whole planet paved?
-because people congregate in small areas.
If you build an idiot-proof system, will the world create a better-quality idiot?
-No, idiots dont improve. Just look at Congress.
Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot-dog buns 8 to a package?
-just in case you drop a hot dog when putting them on the plate.
Why is the telephone key pad arranged differently than a calculator key pad?
-Some people want to just watch the world burn.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
-To avoid the humid areas that would re-hydrate them.
Why do engineers call it research when they're searching for something new?
-the term is a singular word, not the re-application of searching.
How many roads does a man need to travel down before he admits he is lost?
-One, before his wife starts to nag.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
-Yes this is a standard/required procedure. They even need to say it to a deaf person.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-Proof of age is required, a identification card or passport will work.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you "quit while you're ahead?"
-Why do smokers quit? They wont win either.
When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss rather than a near hit?
-Spatial relativity. You missed at a short distance.
Does current emphasis on artificial intelligence support the existence of artificial stupidity?
-We work to improve, not degrade our existence.
Light travels faster than sound; is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
-dont judge a book by its cover.
When a fly alights on the ceiling, does it perform a loop or a roll in order to get upside down?
-it will generally perform a centering based on its forward line of flight.
How do military cadets find their caps after tossing them in the air at graduation ceremonies?
-Names and service numbers are etched into the lining.
How do they get deer to cross a highway where they place one of those yellow warning signs?
-They generally follow the chickens.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
-Most lemon juice is made with concentrated lemon.
Airplanes have an indestructible black box. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-It would be too heavy to obtain lift.
What happens if you turn on your headlights when you're in a vehicle moving at the speed of light?
-Nothing.
When you pick something up so your hands are full, why does someplace on your face start to itch?
-My face usually doesnt, my .... does.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
-To allow for greater concentration, or to allow the wife to nag.
If it's zero degrees today and tomorrow is supposed to be twice as cold, what will tomorrow's temperature be?
-Cold
A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
-Busses reload in Bus Stops, Trains pickup people in a train stop.
Why is it that when you send something by truck it's called a shipment, but when you send it by ship it's called cargo?
-Why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
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