Jokes of the week
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A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.
Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
Found this.
How to make sure the same telemarketer never calls you back.
Some of these are pretty funny, others, well not as great, but either way, still great pranks to play on the hard working people that work their asses off to annoy us at 9AM in the morning of our days off.
1. Talk really fast.
2. Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can’t hear them over the static.
3. Make up your own language. Speak it.
4. Hang up.
5. Make up a one word language. Speak it.
6. Say, “This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?”
7. If they say “Yes” to number 6 say, “Please state the nature of the emergency.” Then insist that their emergency isn’t an emergency. Hang up.
8. If they say “No” to number 6 say, “I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies only.” Hang up.
9. Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
10. Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
11. Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.
12. Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
13. Dial the phone and say, “Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I’m gonna come over there and hurt you! “
14. Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn’t ringing.
15. Claim to be the mafia.
16. Say, “Moe’s tavern Moe speaking.”
17. Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
18. Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.
19. Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.
20. Say, “Oh no! It’s the Feds! They’re on to us!”
21. Claim to be the FBI. Say, “This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?”
22. Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, “Damn unreliable *69.”
23. Speak a foreign language.
24. If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.
25. Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you “realize” that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, “Pervert!” Slam the phone down to hang up.
26. Say, “Help! I’m being robbed! He’s got a gun!”
27. Communicate only through Morse code.
28. Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
29. Try to sell the telemarketer something.
30. Act drunk.
31. Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.
32. Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.
33. Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.
34. If he/she says “No” to #35 insist that he/she buy yours.
35. If he/she says “Yes” to #35 ask if he/she will take a strange currency.
36. Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, “They’ll never catch me again,” “No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!” After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
37. Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won’t buy because you couldn’t see him/her dance.
38. Make him/her sing to get a sale.
39. If a male sings for #39, claim that he sounds like Britney Spears.
40. If a female sings for #39, claim that she sounds like Barry White.
41. Pretend to be really interested. Then say, “No.”
42. Engage him/her in an “intellectual” conversation on an extremely boring subject.
43. Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
44. Say, “I told you. I don’t know where your dog is!” Then hang up.
45. Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
46. After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.
47. Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you’ll get back to them.
48. If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.
49. Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.
50. Say, “Yes” immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.
How to make sure the same telemarketer never calls you back.
Some of these are pretty funny, others, well not as great, but either way, still great pranks to play on the hard working people that work their asses off to annoy us at 9AM in the morning of our days off.
1. Talk really fast.
2. Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can’t hear them over the static.
3. Make up your own language. Speak it.
4. Hang up.
5. Make up a one word language. Speak it.
6. Say, “This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?”
7. If they say “Yes” to number 6 say, “Please state the nature of the emergency.” Then insist that their emergency isn’t an emergency. Hang up.
8. If they say “No” to number 6 say, “I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies only.” Hang up.
9. Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
10. Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
11. Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.
12. Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
13. Dial the phone and say, “Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I’m gonna come over there and hurt you! “
14. Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn’t ringing.
15. Claim to be the mafia.
16. Say, “Moe’s tavern Moe speaking.”
17. Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
18. Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.
19. Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.
20. Say, “Oh no! It’s the Feds! They’re on to us!”
21. Claim to be the FBI. Say, “This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?”
22. Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, “Damn unreliable *69.”
23. Speak a foreign language.
24. If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.
25. Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you “realize” that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, “Pervert!” Slam the phone down to hang up.
26. Say, “Help! I’m being robbed! He’s got a gun!”
27. Communicate only through Morse code.
28. Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
29. Try to sell the telemarketer something.
30. Act drunk.
31. Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.
32. Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.
33. Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.
34. If he/she says “No” to #35 insist that he/she buy yours.
35. If he/she says “Yes” to #35 ask if he/she will take a strange currency.
36. Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, “They’ll never catch me again,” “No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!” After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
37. Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won’t buy because you couldn’t see him/her dance.
38. Make him/her sing to get a sale.
39. If a male sings for #39, claim that he sounds like Britney Spears.
40. If a female sings for #39, claim that she sounds like Barry White.
41. Pretend to be really interested. Then say, “No.”
42. Engage him/her in an “intellectual” conversation on an extremely boring subject.
43. Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
44. Say, “I told you. I don’t know where your dog is!” Then hang up.
45. Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
46. After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.
47. Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you’ll get back to them.
48. If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.
49. Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.
50. Say, “Yes” immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target Store.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
Six Lessons In Life
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift She got in and crossed her legs, forcing he r gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who=2 0shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull .... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who .... on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of .... is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep ...., it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift She got in and crossed her legs, forcing he r gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who=2 0shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull .... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who .... on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of .... is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep ...., it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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2 Italian men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - the two fought to the death and the victor took the lady.
2 Thai men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - they decided to share
2 Greek men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - they ignored the lady, as they had each other.
2 Singaporean men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - the two men are still waiting for instructions from the government on how to proceed.
2 Thai men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - they decided to share
2 Greek men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - they ignored the lady, as they had each other.
2 Singaporean men and a beautiful woman were stranded on a deserted island - the two men are still waiting for instructions from the government on how to proceed.
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here. I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who doesn’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Here’s a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money”: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in “leasing” services, do contact me.
signed, J.P. Morgan
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here. I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who doesn’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
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Here’s a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money”: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in “leasing” services, do contact me.
signed, J.P. Morgan
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously .........ing! She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"! She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Courtesy of a facebook friend:
Man staggers into A&E with concussion, multiple bruises, 2 black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped round his gregory. Doctor says "What happened to you?!" Bloke says "well, I was playing golf with the wife when we both sliced our balls into a field full of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny and I yelled to her...."This looks like yours!"......I don't remember much after that...."
Man staggers into A&E with concussion, multiple bruises, 2 black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped round his gregory. Doctor says "What happened to you?!" Bloke says "well, I was playing golf with the wife when we both sliced our balls into a field full of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny and I yelled to her...."This looks like yours!"......I don't remember much after that...."
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