"Make 'em laugh" Contest by Vermillion River

[sophie_lapin]

Best Email Ever - Missy, the Missing Cat - from Shannon Walkley to David Thorne
Shannon asks Dave to help her create a reward poster for her missing cat. Click on link and enjoy!

"yeah thats not what I was looking for at all."

 

[kashmoney]

#6

 

[ZooKansas]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

[Adrena]

An Irish man walks out of a bar....

 

[tyleris12]

I think this is #3 for me:

Gifts For The Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

[keelalagirl55]

#7

Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
"Condoms."
"Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday"
"Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday."
"Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March...

 

[Leothwyn]

 

[Leothwyn]

 

[woody55]

#7


Serving on the jury

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later

 

[tmcase]

#3

 

[tmcase]

#4

 

[thehangdude]

#6OK, since videos are the new black, how about this one.

Rhythmic Gymnastics - Funny - YouTube

 

[tmcase]

#5

 

[tmcase]

#6

My going out for the evening gear:​

 

[mfraz25]

#2

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh ......,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

 

[BryanL]

How do you know your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?
She can now fit into your wifes clothing

 

[keelalagirl55]

#8

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[mfraz25]

#3


Ok, so last Friday we had the bright idea of trying "nasty juices." We recorded it and started a thread for the videos. If you get bored and feel like laughing at our expense here is the thread with the links to the videos, links named for the video so you can pick and choose a flavor. Soy sauce was the worst, next to crab that it is.

Nasty Juice Thread

 

[pringles13]

#1

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's .... and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

 

[pryan67]

#10

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo and reading the newspaper. She gets completely upset.

"You .......," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."