Congratulations on 1-day free! Of course you didn't post too soon! In fact, announcing your intention to alter the course of your life will give you time to prepare.
Sacred Text of Manual
The Ritual of Arrival
Chapter One
Verse one
All Hail Novitiate! By ordering you have made a life changing commitment.
Be comforted in the knowledge that soon all doubts of your decision shall be alleviated and your spirit overcome with joy! All of your questions will be answered, all of your hopes realized, and as you have dreamed...
Verse two
Be aware!
No matter when your mail is usually delivered, and probably has been delivered for years, the carrier with your ProVari will come at a different hour. This suckth big time, since one must sign for the package.
You may wish to start your vigil immediately. Now is the time of fasting and waiting. You shall not sleep; you shall not eat, as it might maketh you sleepy; you must at all times have a clear view of the Mail of
vape receptacle, least the postal carriage slip by unnoticed. Chasing said carriage and screaming unintelligibly in pseudo-EngLatin is acceptable. Weeping is allowed, but only after the Sacred ProVari is in your hands and the tears are of gratitude. Bursting into tears because the tracking number hasn't updated in 3 hours is considered impudent.
This is also the time to charge
batteries.
Verse
three
Be aware!
The Holiest of Holies does not come in a fancy box, it is simply swaddled in bubble wrap. It is the way of the ProVarinati to be reminded of our humble beginnings and not to take for granted the amazing gift that is bestowed upon the worthy. You shall find our Blessed One to be smaller than you imagined and yet miraculously heavier. You shall be filled with awe that such power could be contained in such a simple casing.
You must place the Sacred ProVari on an altar and gently pass a silver* thurible filled with myrrh over it for 7 consecutive nights just past sunset. Then, and only then, you may kneel before a candle and read your Rewards Loyalty Program card (yes, we are rewarded for our loyalty!) upside down and the Secret Name of-which-we-do-not-speak shall be revealed.
The complete Sacred Text of Manual is available for download on the ProVape site.
The ProVarinati Awaits You
*If you don't have silver, aluminum is allowed. The ProVari is forgiving, but you may wish to check eBay, since there are often thuribles available with free shipping.
