something personal that i need to get off my chest

[Pneathery]

Hey man, that really sucks. I'll pile in here too, I have a wonderful 12 year old daughter, I didn't know about her till she was 4, I was dating her mom, and I traveled for 3 weeks, then I was home for a week, kind of a weird job, anyway, I came home one time, and I was told that she was pregnant, and that there was no way in he'll that I was the father, because of my schedule. That month I had run a double, and had been out for 6 weeks, she told me that she had been cheating on me with her ex, and it was his kid. At the same ti,e I was offered, and accepted a new posisition with the firm that I worked for, I was to move to Atlanta and open up a new office for the company taking care of the south eastern us. I tried to convince this woman to dump her ex, I told her I would forgive her, and raise this kid as my own. She laughed at me. Tunes ut that pretty much our whole relationship had been a lie, and she was/is a constant lier. Well two years go by, I get a call from her, she tells me that her boyfriend beat her up, threw her through a window and cut her with a broken bottle, oh yeah and this is your kid, when can we show up? I told her that it was pretty convenient for all of that to happen at the same time, lets do a paternity test, at which point she hung up on me, I didn't hear back from her. I figured that it was what I thought, as soon as I asked for a paternity test she bolted, so I figured it was another lie, I was engaged at the time, it didn't work out. But I did get married a year later, and when we were married for three years we had a sherriff show up on our door, it was for a paternity test. I took it, and found out that I did have a daughter. My wife and I packed up, and moved back to Virginia from Georgia with in one month of finding out, she took me to court for child support, so I also worked out visitation at the same time. They wNted to get back child support, I pointed out all of the facts in the situation, that as soon as I found out about my daughter, imwas there for her, and how I had been lied to. The judge agreed with me. Well we got to know my daughter over a year, when our lease was up, we had to move back to Georgia, there wasn't anywhere to work there in the town I lived in, well to make a longer story short. When we got back to Georgia we filed for custody, and had full custody with in a year. When it came to visitation for my daughter and her mom, the judge told me, that I was in charge of it, and didn't give her mom anything. In theory I could tell her mom no, and it would be ok. My daughter was in a really bad situation, her mom was drugging and drinking, and it wasma really bad situation. In court, HER lawyer was asking me questions that could only help my side! It was bizare. But all of e same things you talk about have happened to us, her mom in the beginning would tell her that she was coming down to pick her up for Christmas, then would call on the day that she was supposed to show up, to say that she couldn't make it, and then there were the calls. Finally one day when my daughter was 8 or so, she sat down with my wife and I and said that she didn't understand it. Her mom always cried poverty, saying that she couldn't come pick her up because of how broke she was, well her mom was working, and her new husband was working as well. When my wife and I had to go pick her up, we always made it, and my wife didn't work, and we were always broke. She would see the quality of life that we were living in, and the stuff her mom could afford, and saw what was important to whom. My wife and I did everything we could for my daughter, and her mom put her on the back burner. She is now 12, we have had her since she was 5, and when ever she talks to her mom we still make her do it in the same room, because her mom still doesn't think of her feelings, and does things to hurt her, let me just say that the talk up to last years summer visit was hard, and when my daughter comes back from seeing her mom, it is a living hell in this house for 2 months at least. They have no rules, her mom has kept her up all night before, crying and telling her what a bad mom she was.......sometimes it feels like she is drinking again, but I don't know, she isn't allowed to drink, per the judge. I can do a drug/alcohol test at any time I want, that is why the judge did what he did, he said that I could act ALOT quicker then the courts could, and he just asked that I not take advantage of the situation. All we can do is keep our side of the streets clean. We run into the same thing about calling time. I ended up getting a google voice number though, and gave that to her mom. Now that is the number that she calls. Every message that she has left since I got that number is saved on googles servers. I can also press some button during a call and record the call. I haven't done that ever, but it is there if I need it, also I don't answer the phone if she calls too late. I surely don't want to talk to he, so I just let it go to voice mail. I love the google voice thing though. When she calls that number, it rings my cell phone, the home number, and when I had my business, it rang that number too. All at the same time. I can go to the web page, and tell google voice to call her mom back, and to let me take that call from any phone number, yet it always shows up as my google voice number on her caller id. I can call from my android phone using my google voice number as well. So no matter where I am, that is the number she calls. If I go out of town, and visited a friend in California, I could have the number ring there, and it is all free!
But I love the voicemail feature, google transcribes the voicemail as well. S I have it in print, and recorded as an mp3, if ere is ever a bad one, I can email the voicemail to anyone I ever want to.
Good luck my friend.
My daughter sees what is going on, she told the counselor at her school recently that her real mom was the one living down here, that was her mom in virginia, but her real mom, that's my wife. Your kids will see what is going on, they will hurt, but you just have to be there for them. Be their dad, because they were dealt a pretty bad hand before you showed up, but I'm glad that you did show up! Aren't you? Could you imagine where those kids would be without you? Good luck man, it will be ok.

 

[unsure]

As everyone says hang in there and keeping doing the good job your doing. Tho its hard on the children they know who really cares for them. My son died defending this country and left a son an daughter. His wife fell to pieces and is a drug addict in rehab. Me and the wife have legal custody of the grandkids and they miss their father and still love their mother but know she not fit to parent them. Its tough but life can be tough and we do the best we can and hope for the best.

 

[DawnH]

As everyone says hang in there and keeping doing the good job your doing. Tho its hard on the children they know who really cares for them. My son died defending this country and left a son an daughter. His wife fell to pieces and is a drug addict in rehab. Me and the wife have legal custody of the grandkids and they miss their father and still love their mother but know she not fit to parent them. Its tough but life can be tough and we do the best we can and hope for the best.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for your son's sacrifice to our country. Thank God those kids have you! My grandmother raised me and I am so very very grateful to her. I see so many grandparents raising their grandkids these days and they are all doing a wonderful job. Your grandkids are lucky to have you in their lives. They may not let you know right now, but down the line, they will and it will be all worth it.

 

[Lauralie]

Just remember later in life who the kids will remember as the person that cared, nutured and raised them. My husband is fully involved in my step-daughters life but we have the "Mother, ex-wife, whatever" that does everything she can to "keep" her in her world and not ours. All these years didn't tell us about events, award ceremonies, etc. She is now 19 and she "KNOWS" what it is really all about and things are slowly starting to it her - she knows her Daddy loves her and has been there as much as possible (when informed). She told him herself "Daddy I know who you are and what you do for me - I love you!" Bout to tear up - made his day because he always just had that slightest concern you know.

 

[bmwjen]

Gonna keep this post short & sweet...........but I could write a book.

That's one reason why i'll never accept a dime of child support, and my son will never know his real father. My husband came into my life when Hunter was 9 years old and has been a FATHER ever since. Although I loved the years of getting both "mother's day", AND "father's day" cards from my son.

I'm sorry, but fk this "convenience" stuff.........I'd always have the kids "conveniently" at dance class, soccer practice, swim team, etc.

Lots of books on the subject. "Fatherless America" is one of them, Splendid read!

Thanks for being a "FATHER"!!!!

 

[Nyxie]

i'm now in a foul mood because of this, and just wanted to vent.

I think it is good to rant once in a while, lord knows I do my share of it right here too. We are like family here it seems and even though we don't all have a lot on common we do have many things that are.
I could write a book about my kids and their Dad's and my Bonus kids and their Mom. I think you have a right to be po'd and hurt and even a little hostile, ok well maybe not hostile but you know what I mean . As long as you keep the kids out of it you are doing good. What I mean by that is do not speak poorly of the other parent even though you can't stand him. I went though a lot of step parenting blues when I was married to my first husband , those kids are all gown now and still call me and ask me to visit them when I am in town. They all add me to thier facebook accounts and call me on the phone regularly. They didnt like me much back then because I was not their Mom but now they respect me and love me the same. Time will help them understand that their Dad isn't all that. They will respect you later , they always do.
There is a website called Bonus Families - Stepfamily Resources and Advice for Stepfamilies, Stepparents and Stepchildren it may or may not help you out. It has helped me tremendously in dealing with my current bonus kids. Not necessarily thier Mom but with them.

 

[WhatAClumsyGirl]

Hug yourself for being a daddy to these kids. They will hug you tighter as they grow older for it.

My son's father never saw him after the age of 8 until he was 26 years old. He called about every 6 months and told him the same things...he wanted to come visit him, he was sending him something in the mail ....I had to silently watch as my son waited for him, watched the mail.....only to always be disappointed because he never came, nothing ever came in the mail. I sometimes mailed my son money and said it was from his father....just because it broke my heart to watch him wait on nothing.

Be strong, breathe deep....those kids are more yours than they will ever be his. They will realize that later on.

Hugs to you....You are admired.