It's probably a combination of the exorbitant amount of stress in my life -- I moved across the country 2.5 months ago, I still don't have a job, and I'm having straining issues in my relationship that are threatening its very existence -- and hitting the notorious 3 month mark, but being smoke free is losing its luster.
It's not really a craving, not like I used to have. It isn't an overwhelming urge like the ones that sent me to the gas station in the middle of the night for a pack of the death sticks... but it's there. I think about them far too often and even plan when and how I'm going to go get a pack and how I'll hide them and hide the fact that I'm smoking them. I'd be lying to say I'm not strongly considering it... every day.
It's difficult. I quit for someone else, not myself, and I think that plays a big part of it. I still want to stay quit, I don't want to smoke a pack of them per day like I used to, but I want the option to smoke a couple of them per day. It may be in spite of the person I quit for, anger for pushing me away, but that's a different story.
I wish I had the same desire to never pick one up, the one that I held on to tight for the first few months. But the smell of someone smoking .. it smells good, and I breathe deep whenever I walk by a smoker. Stale smoke is still really gross to me, but a burning cigarette makes me antsy and jealous. And the thought of smoking a couple doesn't make me feel bad, doesn't make me feel like I'm losing progress. I don't want to stop vaping, but damn, I'm stressed and want to smoke and that is stressing me out -- a vicious circle I can't break right now.
I've cut my nicotine way down - I started at 18mg, worked down to 12, and have been at 6mg for probably a month now. I don't think it's the lessening nicotine that's causing the cravings, as it never was an issue from the start.. but I have 12mg and 18mg tucked away anyway. I doubt that'll help me at this point, I'm convinced it's entirely psychological... I'm either going to break down and smoke them, or continue this battle until my desires disappear again.
I wish I thought I would be receptive to support from my family and friends, but that this point I don't know that it would help me. I know I'm doing a good job, I know it's a tough thing to overcome, and I know that I just need to stick with it, because the worst WILL end eventually, but what I know is right and what I want are usually at odds, and now the sentiment is taking over a huge milestone, and threatening to rewrite a chapter in my life I thought was over.
Sigh, I just needed to talk about it, with someone listening that doesn't know me or know who I am, someone who maybe understands what I'm going through. My boyfriend is as supportive as he knows how to be, but telling him the things that are going through my mind are likely to start a riot, and earn myself a lecture from someone who's never battled an addiction. Throw in a few threats about my living situation, comments about the lack of respect I have for my body, and I'm not entirely sure I'll make it another day without smoking.
It's rough. Even with a PV, which has made quitting SO SO easy. It's more than just an addiction to a chemical, it's a safety net, a comfort, a "plan B" when all else fails and the proverbial s*** hits the fan. I wish I didn't feel like I was missing out on something, but 3 months is hardly enough to break a habit of 8 years that I swear kept me sane and focused. I'm trying though, I'm working through this as best I know how, and I'll be damned if I can't take this one day at a time.
