The World According to Stretchpants-A compilation by FV

[woodboy]

Ummm only that I found out my no line bifocals are at the top of the glasses instead of at the bottom..In other words I have been driving,watchin tv,typing on my computer thru the bifocal part for reading instead of using the far away glass for driving...They put the reading part where the far away part should be.I was the clown at Lenscrafters this afternoon..They passed my glasses around in disbelief..I am livid...Heads will roll tomorrow...No wonder I thought my eyesight had deteriorated..
They made my glasses wrong.(Not Lenscrafters) I have to go for my exam tomorrow and get a new pair of glasses..What? Yes...
Like

Copper Creek Posse Motto: Nos nunquam dixit essemus normalis

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[stretchpants]

I had that once.The made me sit in a warm bath of Clorox and antibiotics..

While this sounds a bit less fun, it does make more sense. I too am coulrophobic. Clowns suck.

And wth is Morgan doing up there? Please tell me she brought her Lava tank and some CC juice!

 

[stretchpants]

O.K. well..I was going to the grocery store for milk and bread and decided I would like some lunch meat to prepare for the impending snow storm. I waited at the deli counter and when it was my turn to be waited on the clerk that I got had the Ebola virus.He was sneezing and coughing,his nose was runny and I decided mmm maybe not.Nothing like being stuck indoors during a snow storm with a raging case of the Ebola virus . So I walked away without my ham that I was going to put on my Rye bread that I had bought for the snowstorm.
I then wandered over to the packaged stuff and was trying to decide on Pastrami or Leona sausage when the store manager and the store detective greeted me with "Do you have a purse?" I said "sure" while looking at my shoulder to make sure I did have one and I did. Then he said" Is the purse in your grocery cart yours too"? Thinking hard I was trying to remember if I had indeed brought 2 purses to the grocery store just to buy bread and milk. After what seemed like way too long I said no. He said where did you get it? I'm like "I have no idea" He said" A lady in the store reported her purse missing and you have two."So I looked in the cart and I said "That purse is not mine" He said "We know" When I looked closer "I said "That cart isn't mine" Apparently I robbed a woman of her purse and cart while waiting at the Deli counter for ham. I'm like "Seriously I just took the wrong cart"
He said "Why wouldn't you have noticed it before we told you?"I told him "I wouldn't have noticed till I got home with the groceries and found out I didn't have milk where upon I would have called you up and raised he** because the milk wasn't included in my packages."
He's like "really?" I'm like "Who would steal someones cart and purse and stay in the grocery store peruisng the packaged pastrami?"
Then he says "I'm sorry..we just thought..." I'm like "Don't let it happen again". I did not buy the Pastrami or the bread and...I bought chocolate milk.

 

[FlyingV]

Found another gem:

We're pretty sure that's what she uses.Mythical animals though none are harmed in making of the juice.(Back Off PETA)Not everyone knows where to get them. Kind of like Truffles only better.

Quote Originally Posted by Mellow View Post
These have to be made from angels tears and unicorn horns stuff out of this world

 

[stretchpants]

My own page...I just love it...I'm center stage and no one is here to stop me.

I'd like to start with "Lord of the Dance" Imagine 500 people high stepping with their arms glued down to their sides to the rhythm of Celtic Harps. Me center stage.
Followed by a quote from:
Shakespeare'sOthello
1. Were I the Moor I would not be Iago.
In following him I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so for my peculiar end.
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, ’tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am. (I.i.57–65)

and.. before intermission My all time favorite movie quote
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

 

[efirdj]

Like living dangerously do you?
I would love to zip line but I'm afraid of heights too and wouldn't be able to go over the bridge either.
I would also like to try to luge but I'm afraid of speed. LOL go figure.

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[efirdj]

That's fabulous.I am known for my sever weather issues like going to the store for milk and bread before the severe snow storm hits. I don't eat milk or bread but it's kind of like a ritual.You see all these people walking around the store and all they have in their carts are bread and milk.So I'm thinkin I must have missed something in my life not knowing when a snow storm is approaching you must go to the store for bread and milk.So I go buy it and 2 weeks later throw it out.I hate milk.

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[efirdj]

I hated my kids until they were teenagers.I would totally take a teenager right out of the womb.My daughter was a nightmare until 14/15 and it was like she became a fairy princess overnight well not really but she wasn't a nightmare.Boys are different.I kind of liked them as kids.I really liked them as teenagers.
My Daughter said that she had the best childhood ever.I can only remember me screaming at her.Apparently she forgot.I guess it's a good thing.

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[FlyingV]

Doing good guys, keep them coming!

 

[woodboy]

"Change to Provari and sing along...
Paul McCartney "Volare" (Rome 2003) - YouTube
When did he sing that??"

Open letter to all the pistol packing posse.
I am going to buy a gun.The howitzer although being deadly it is not conceal and carrieable.
Therein lies my problem. I need something deadly that will fit in my Vera Bradley hipster.
I would like it to match the VaVa Bloom pattern.(See photo) Any suggestions??
Ummm keep in mind I have never shot a gun...


Morning Posse
Another mad mad mad day in the life of Stretchy...It all began with too many orders to fill and not enough time.I finally came upstairs
at 2 in the morning with my "I hate cameos on"...I played solitaire to wind down and went to bed about 3 A.M...There was a rap at the door
( I don't have a doorbell) I'm like (in my head) what? The dogs exploded. A cacophony of barks from Rums baritone to Dixie's barely audible squeak's with a bunch of cavalier alto's weighing in on the chorus...What? Yes....So I'm too short to see out of the rectangular windows at the top of the door.They must be made for Shaquille ONeals house.I'm wondering why Mr.???? isn't hearing this.He seems to be sleeping through WW2 occasionally yelling shut up to the dogs in his sleep.So...I looked out our front room's window and there is a car with lights on in our driveway...eek..I woke Mr.??? and waited patiently while he cussed me out then told him someone is knocking at our door.He's half asleep and grabs a gun...What? Yes...a gun..He looks through the Shaquille ONeal rectangular window.(He was on his tip toes) turns,hands me the gun.What?...Yes.I get the gun..I already had the CC axe in hand.Then he goes out the front door..What? Yes..He went out the door and shut it behind him. I'm in the hallway with my favorite fuzzy skull sleep pants on holding onto a huge gun.(I'm pretty sure it's a howitzer) and the CC axe...Perplexed I tried looking out the front room window again and I see a man and Mr??? standing by Mr.???'s Elantra. Yes he has an Elantra...After about 10 minutes I decided to put my jeans on holster my side arm and go stand by the Elantra with them.At about the same time Mr. ??? turns the door knob to come in.Little did I know Jennie(The new mom) during all the commotion decided to take a dump in the hallway.In barrels Mr.??? steps in it and slides down the hallway knocking off a small lamp on the console.I have tears in my eye trying to stifle my sense of humor but to no avail.The harder I tried to control myself the madder he got.He cussed for 20 minutes.I laughed even harder...I couldn't help it.I just couldn't. I still can't thinking about it.He was so pi@@ed.
The guy that came to the door was a cop.Someone threw a small pumpkin at Mr.????'s Elantra taking out the rear light and denting the side panel.He was pretty Pi@@ed before he hit the skids.There was no consoling him after...I finally got back to sleep about 5 A.M. I'm dragging .... now. Mr.???? is somewhere near Cleveland and that's a good thing.Bah Ha Ha...

I need to buy something....

 

[woodboy]

So today I spent my day buying puppy clothes...I did I really really did...

I'm here but I was almost hit by a bus on the way....I did lose my shoe. O.K. I didn't but I could have.

So....I had a Doctors appointment today for a check up following a check up from a previous check up Post hospital check up..I'll know more at my next check up....But I did get new medicine to replace the new medicine from the last check up.
The doctor called it in and for the very first time in my entire life I opted to pick it up through the drive up drugs window.
What have I been missing??? You push the button and the camera comes on and you can see into the pharmacy..there was the clerk from the waist down picking her .......seriously...it was not momentary.It was seconds of .... picking...If she was going to be my clerk I was going to do a drive by and leave...fortunately she did not answer my call..Imagine my surprise when my clerk appeared on the screen dressed like a hooters waitress..All boobs and cleavage..Aren't they suppose to wear a smock? or a shirt? or somethin? I got out of the car to check the sign to make sure I was at my pharmacy and not the neighborhood drive thru peep show..Nope..It was the pharmacy... Don't people know how to dress for work and not pick their butts till they get home? Just sayin.

 

[woodboy]

I did my stress test!!! and my Echo Cardigram. Fun day...
I got the when, what, and where mail for my Stress Test....It took me 30 minutes to find my Adidas.So I'm figuring that should count for something towards the test itself....I was stressed...I did find my baggy shorts that the letter said was required...I added leg warmers a halo headband and 2 sweat bracelets to the ensemble....I did Olivia Newton John proud...
So it's my turn and I go into this room to begin the test...Where's the treadmill?? So I say where's the Treadmill??
They said just lie down on this bed..I said no...I'm here for a stress test...(I was worried because you always hear of some hospital taking a leg or eye from someone that wasn't scheduled for amputation)..Usually they were there for a Stress Test..So I'm like..Am I in the right place?They were all laughing kinda ghoulish like...I'm scared....I finally laid down but with trepidation and he asked me what kind of coffee I liked. I'm like I drink decaf...He asked me if I wanted cream or sugar...I'm like.I'm here for a stress test.They said they knew that...The coffee was being used as an antidote...I'm like I'm on punked right? Where's the camera and Aston Kutcher?They again laughed fiendishly...
I'm not doing nothing where a cup of coffee is the Antidote...I'm just not. Unless they were testing danish flavors...but I digress..Turns out ...They don't use treadmills anymore...You lie on the bed,they give you an IV.They put something into the iv and all of your blood vessels and arteries blow up giant size. You immediately get a head rush and a burning stomach sensation for about 4 minutes while they film the inside of your body...What?? Yes!! After four minutes they sit you up give you a cup of coffee and the sensation vanishes...What?? Yes....Completely back to normal whatever that is..I didn't brake a sweat...But I looked really silly in my "Getting Physical" leg warmers. I think they do that as a joke... How weird sciency that is! He said I did good..Ta Da!! I am radio active though It should dissipate in 3 to 4 days...Right now Mr.??? and I are sitting with the lights out to see if I actually glow in the dark...

It freaked me out too.Especially the part where they have to tell you the drug they are using can sometimes cause bleeding behind the eyeballs rupture of all major blood vessels,adenoid cancer if you still have adenoids,oily stool and in some instances wetting your pants post test..When you then look at them like let me out of here everyone in the room starts laughing.What? Oily stool?Who needs that and what is it?Then when they say a cup of coffee will bring you back to normal would you like cream and sugar in it? It's so unbelievable you have to have the test just to see.....

"I love you Stretchy.( V )"

Snort....More wasted Pepsi...

My eyes not have only glazed over they have rolled to the back of my head and all I can see is brain and not much of it.....

Or...You could drink the vodka with some cheese and crackers get a new atty out of the package and throw the old atty away...

Mr.?????? is bringing me White Castles...Yes!! Indigestion to follow...

 

[efirdj]

Night James. Tune in tomorrow when FV will answer the often asked question."Which came first? The chicken or the egg?"
Unless Big Foot gets loose tonight and eats Victor.

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[efirdj]

Well I hope everyone is having a good morning.Do you know what time it is? Have I ever been here this early??
Here's why...tapping good foot.....I went to the grocery yesterday.Managed not to steal anyones purse. $150.00 later as I was putting the stuff in the trunk my back went out,I was putting a bag with breads in it and suddenly I'm having waves of muscle spasms.I dropped the bread bag and couldn't stoop to get it. I had to call in back up.It's a really stupid injury because I can drive or sit but I can't walk, bend, or Rhumba.....

I'm sittin. It ain't so bad.
When i first woke up this morning I had to pee sooooo bad but I couldn't get out of my recliner.I ended up launching myself from it by slamming the handle to neutral.I propelled my way into the powder room (not the gun powder room) the ladies powder room.We don't have a gun powder room.
When I finally got there.I couldn't sit.This is why men have it easy.If it were a man I could pee in a beer can left on the coffee table. I had to like slide down the wall with one hand bracing myself against the sink and the other on the toilet tank. It was absurd.Everytime I laughed I wet myself. It's been quite the day.

For the record, I dont laugh at the fact she's in pain. Just at how she tells the stories.

 

[efirdj]

James aka BFB and Stretchpants aka Stretchy
are pleased to announce their engagement in another life.
All will be invited if you are reborn by then.
Wedding will take place sometime in the future in beautiful North Carolina or is it South Carolina?Maybe it's North Dakota.In some direction state TBA.
The couple will be registered at Copper Creek,Pro Vape, and Whole Foods providing FV from Copper Creek and Dave from Provape are still alive.
Reception to be catered by the groom.
WOOT!

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[efirdj]

Another not funny situation that is told only the way Stretchy can tell it:

You like that wait till you hear this.
What were you guys doing at 4:30 A.M.? I was in fact careening my way to the hospital in an ambulance..Yes true.
I snapped awake immediately and knew something was wrong.I'm in the recliner being hobbled by my back.Of course I couldn't get up.I finally fell out of the chair cause it was the only way I could manage.I flung myself into the bathroom and there's blood running down a part of my body that it shouldn't be running down my body.Let's just say it wasn't my Armpit. Let's just say that...I'm like OMG. I did I said OMG.What is wrong with me?Well we all know basically what's wrong with e but I have the added bonus of hemorrhaging from not my armpit.My first reaction to anything is panic.I must love drama.I yelled for Mr. Crabbypants and he's like do you need an ambulance?
O.K. so keep in mind that Mr.Crabbypants was a paramedic and a firechief.I'm like well yeah.Might need it.
But I said before you call throw me into the shower.
We were taking my clothes off like I was 16 and in the back seat of his Opel Kadet.(really..an Opel Kadet)

For anyone who might think they have a medical emergency of any sort. My philosophy is to get in a cold shower and shock whatever the beejesus is wrong with you out of you system before calling for help.This time was no different but it wasn't working...It ALWAYS works.
I say to Mr.CP. O.K. call them. He goes "your naked" I'm like and...
He says "can you get dressed" I'm like I couldn't dress myself yesterday.Today there is no improvement and I also have blood running not from my armpit. You do the math.
So he gets my robe. throws it over me and dumps me head first into the recliner.Well...there I am naked under a robe bleeding not from my armpit and totally unable to extract myself from being face down on the recliner because of my back. That's how the paramedics found me.Naked behind up face down in a chair blood running from not my armpit.
First words 'Mrs. Crabbypants are you O.K.?" I said "yeah fine"just looking for coins.They decide I am not. So 4 big burly men (I like this part) lift me onto the gurney and (I don't like this part) my robe flew open and scared the hell out of all of them.
I did make it to the hospital and apparently I had a small chocolate cyst that burst making my torso look like Freddie Krueger had his way with it.I needed sleep. In fact I just woke up.So far a good day...

 

[efirdj]

O.K. well..I was going to the grocery store for milk and bread and decided I would like some lunch meat to prepare for the impending snow storm. I waited at the deli counter and when it was my turn to be waited on the clerk that I got had the Ebola virus.He was sneezing and coughing,his nose was runny and I decided mmm maybe not.Nothing like being stuck indoors during a snow storm with a raging case of the Ebola virus . So I walked away without my ham that I was going to put on my Rye bread that I had bought for the snowstorm.
I then wandered over to the packaged stuff and was trying to decide on Pastrami or Leona sausage when the store manager and the store detective greeted me with "Do you have a purse?" I said "sure" while looking at my shoulder to make sure I did have one and I did. Then he said" Is the purse in your grocery cart yours too"? Thinking hard I was trying to remember if I had indeed brought 2 purses to the grocery store just to buy bread and milk. After what seemed like way too long I said no. He said where did you get it? I'm like "I have no idea" He said" A lady in the store reported her purse missing and you have two."So I looked in the cart and I said "That purse is not mine" He said "We know" When I looked closer "I said "That cart isn't mine" Apparently I robbed a woman of her purse and cart while waiting at the Deli counter for ham. I'm like "Seriously I just took the wrong cart"
He said "Why wouldn't you have noticed it before we told you?"I told him "I wouldn't have noticed till I got home with the groceries and found out I didn't have milk where upon I would have called you up and raised he** because the milk wasn't included in my packages."
He's like "really?" I'm like "Who would steal someones cart and purse and stay in the grocery store peruisng the packaged pastrami?"
Then he says "I'm sorry..we just thought..." I'm like "Don't let it happen again". I did not buy the Pastrami or the bread and...I bought chocolate milk.

Im sorry SP! I STILL LOVE YOU!!!

I just cant help myself...

 

[efirdj]

I'm glad you liked your movie.I hate George Clooney although I like his parents. I'd like to punch him in his smug little face..Him and Alex Baldwin.I'd like to kick them both down a flight of stairs.I have no idea where all that came from. I must be super grouchy this morning. I would punch them though.

I hope you have a good day at the sucky place and you don't fall asleep in the nail fungus class. You need to know that.Everyone does.

Going now to examine the need of why I'd like to punch George Clooney...

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[efirdj]

Seriously James I have OCD worse than food not touching on a plate but that it a little weird...I always have to come back in to the house once I lock it to go somewhere to check and see if I turned the curling iron off.I even bought one that does turn itself off but I apparently don't trust that.When I come back in the dogs don't even look up.They're thinking Ah she's just back to check to see if the curling iron is off...I even recheck it when I don't use it before I leave...

Its good to know the stories will keep coming.

 

[efirdj]

i wish my hairdresser would be so nice as to join me in a bite to eat. She's too busy rolling on the floor laughing at my hair..i just pay and leave...