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Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my good looking Boss Becky, said, 'Good Morning, Mel, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Becky knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Beck, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. she chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Beck said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
she said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her house, Beck turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
she went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch......
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my good looking Boss Becky, said, 'Good Morning, Mel, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Becky knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Beck, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. she chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Beck said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
she said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her house, Beck turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
she went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch......
Naked.
Ole and Swen are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The Ole says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
Swen says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Ole says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
Ole says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The Ole says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
Swen says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Ole says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
Ole says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog dodo!"
Then I would say, "It is dog dodo. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something poopy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog dodo!"
Then I would say, "It is dog dodo. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something poopy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Hey, I didn't vote 'em in 
Worth reading - from Gen McChrystal's book!
NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN (Gen. Stanley McChrystal) [/b]
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Worth reading - from Gen McChrystal's book!
NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN (Gen. Stanley McChrystal) [/b]
- Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........
- When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
- "It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
- Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave
- The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again.
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Just wanted to start the year off with an item of general interest. Hope this helps!
Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends."
You see, when babies poop their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
However, when old people poop their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
Glad to get that straightened out for you.
Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends."
You see, when babies poop their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
However, when old people poop their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
Glad to get that straightened out for you.
:rotfl:
2 dogs talking the 1st week of Jan...
Hey Spike, what is a new year's resolution?
A to do list that lasts a week
2 dogs talking the 1st week of Jan...
Hey Spike, what is a new year's resolution?
A to do list that lasts a week
A dog had followed his owner to school.. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him.
The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
"Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either!"
The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
"Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in my closet now.'
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in my closet now.'
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a ...... standing on the same street
corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the ...... continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a good explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the ......!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the ...... yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?
But on each run he happened to jog past a ...... standing on the same street
corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the ...... continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a good explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the ......!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the ...... yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. The final question was:How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer - When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!! He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
Here is his astute answer - When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!! He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in their love life.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced around excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'
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