Today's Laugh

[grimmer255]

Idiots are Among Us
DEER CROSSING

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a chef

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -- I already got that side."

 

[MrsIken]

Hey Grimmer!!! I don't know where you find these things at but you had Isaac and I laughing soo hard over here.... It was a very much needed laugh and I thank you kindly for that!!! My favorite had to be the power cord lady!!

 

[warpedone]

I don't cotton to blue movies so when I checked into my hotel I said to the woman at the desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick .......!"

 

[5cardstud]

REALLY THINK

Solve the mystery!!!

3 Ladies from
Minnesota


A detective story.....


So
Pay Close
Attention!!!

....

Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game...
....

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.
.......

The game is very exciting and they enjoy themselves immensely...

mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.

........


Soon they
realize that the bottle is almost empty and the
game still has a lot of innings to go.
.......

Based on the given
information, what inning is it and how many
players are on base?


Now
think!


Think
some more!!

You're
gonna love this....

Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!

 

[Iken]

This has to be the best thread in this sub! Val and i spend hours telling them to each other over here!

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

 

[skydragon]

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but cantelopes. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the .... of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, "Come to me, my melon collie baby."

 

[mmsjs5]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN - AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

 

[Iken]

LOL MMS!
Here's a good one.


An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

 

[warpedone]

I use KY Jelly for sex. I put it on the doorknob so my wife can’t escape.

 

[grimmer255]

Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

 

[grimmer255]

Hey Grimmer!!! I don't know where you find these things at but you had Isaac and I laughing soo hard over here.... It was a very much needed laugh and I thank you kindly for that!!! My favorite had to be the power cord lady!!

lol I find them everywhere... and when I see some good ones I just have to share them here. yea the power cord one got me rolling to.

 

[grimmer255]

Never hire a man to do a woman's job .......

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.


After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.


The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."


So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."


"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."


Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."


The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a ....* to death with the chair!"

 

[grimmer255]

LOL MMS!
Here's a good one.


An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

lol that had me rolling...

 

[grimmer255]

Confucius say, "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."

 

[Iken]

LOL I got one for you, by Caesar of the Precious

YouTube - The difference between boys and girls

 

[Switched]

Oh Isaac, I can't comment here

 

[Iken]

Lol Switched actually it may be the best place for it! hehe
Grimmer sends me pm's sometimes of jokes asking for a 2nd opinion if being postable. Yes, a a new word is born! hahaha

 

[WitchWay]

I can't comment because I'm not even sure what to say!! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That's a great video!!!

 

[Switched]

Lol Switched actually it may be the best place for it! hehe
Grimmer sends me pm's sometimes of jokes asking for a 2nd opinion if being postable. Yes, a a new word is born! hahaha

OK buddy I'll send ya a pm, because no my comment might get me a speeding ticket and there is after all ladies present

 

[Iken]

OK buddy I'll send ya a pm, because no my comment might get me a speeding ticket and there is after all ladies present

Lol Yeaaa now I gotcha! Seen this thread a bit too late lol. Just terrible, LOL Yes ofcourse *ahem ladies present . It is funny, but not for the public.

So how about them Cowboys?