Today's Laugh

[Electricnut]

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist explained: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'....!' cried the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

 

[skydragon]

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping
into things. He calls the vet try to remedy the problem. The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ... and blow real hard and the cow's eyes will straighten out."
The veterinarian -- a seventy-year-old man -- inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon loses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again.
The vet gives it another try, but loses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer, a young healthy man, and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."
The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ..., turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow. "Holy smokes!" says the vet. "What in the hell didja do that for?"
The farmer replies, "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had YOUR mouth on, do ya?"

 

[skydragon]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.



Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'



The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'



Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

 

[mmsjs5]

Don't Send a Man to the Grocery Store:

YouTube - Jeanne Robertson "Don't send a man to the grocery store!"

 

[mmsjs5]

2013

-----One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

 

[MrsIken]

Well, as some of you may know we are taking vacation this coming week to go spend some time in South Carolina with my family. While we are there we are going to go to the Columbia Zoo. I looked up the zoo today to get the hours of operation and pricing and stuff and saw that you could feed the giraffes. I mentioned to Isaac that I would like to feed a giraffe and he said "NO, do you know how big their teeth are?!? they'll bite your fingers off b4 you even know it!!" my reply to that was "i got bit by a horse when i was little and they have huge teeth, i survived!!" i then googled horse teeth and found this picture and i couldn't stop laughing i was laughing so hard i just about peed myself LOL...

 

[mmsjs5]

HOW TO STOP THE CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, busy-body and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her nosiness, but feared her enough to
maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it
there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

 

[grimmer255]

Tragic Death: by Iken


YouTube - Tragic Death

 

[MrsIken]

has anyone ever seen the show Wipeout?? It is freaking hilarious!!!! Here's a clip of their top 10 wipeouts
YouTube - Wipeout's Top 10 Moments! - Wipeout

 

[Electricnut]

Funny, hope they can swim.

 

[Iken]

LOL Said it once and will say it again, Greatest thread of all time!
Here's clips from the funniest television show imaginable!
YouTube - Best of Trigger Happy

 

[Vaporologist]

I apologize if this offends someone but this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YouTube - Funny Eyeglass Commercial

 

[MrsIken]

I apologize if this offends someone but this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YouTube - Funny Eyeglass Commercial

OMG!!!!!!!!! that was freaking hilarious!!!!!! i was in tears here from laughing so hard!

 

[Vaporologist]

LOL. Don't let Isaac see it, I don't won't him to get worked up from laughing too hard, lol

 

[grimmer255]

this was to funny to pass up....... just ignore the banner at the end, to bad it didn't say use ecigs....


YouTube - Funny Banned Smoking Commercial ( Stressed at Office )


Around the 3:00 minute mark is my favorite... Office stress...lol


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzBy6agXKoA&feature=related

 

[grimmer255]

This is too funny

YouTube - Funny drunk man

 

[Iken]

this was to funny to pass up....... just ignore the banner at the end, to bad it didn't say use ecigs....


YouTube - Funny Banned Smoking Commercial ( Stressed at Office )

LOL! Right at 0.20-0.30 mark I choked on my vapor! Just Hilarious!!

This is too funny

YouTube - Funny drunk man

Hahahaha Omg, How come the 2 didn't know it was pants! Everytime he held them up, I was thinking "Okay, now he'll get it" LOL

 

[Vaporologist]

YouTube - ‪FUNNIEST COMMERCIAL EVER!‬‎

 

[Iken]

I apologize if this offends someone but this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YouTube - Funny Eyeglass Commercial

O...M...G That's just wrong!

 

[grimmer255]

Considering this summer has brought record breaking heat waves to the region, I thought it would be "cool" to watch some videos about water.

Crazy.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPgkNZLVTwY

More crazyness.... (click around 28 seconds to see actual video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3q0u8aq2PGU

Crazy Grand finale.....

YouTube - ‪MEGAWOOSH - Bruno Kammerl jumps‬‎
.......................................................Is it real or Fake?