TT's Tall Tales

[salemgold]

and as Jerry ran his fingers through her long flowing hair he whispered "I sure do have a hankering for apples." And Pokey asked him to sit still as she reached through the pine scented night air and plucked Jerry an apple from the tree. And then they got thrown out of the garden of Eden. No wait ... that was a different apple tree.

And Pokey showed Jerry her new avi which he ooohhed and awwwwed over as Pokey drooled onto her new bib. Somewhere in the distance a radio was playing and the sounds of Hank Williams Sr. drifted on the gentle breeze as he sang "Move It On Over" and Jerry and Pokey danced in the field of daisies in the darkness.

to be continued ....

And now a word from our sponsor.


TT

To be continued...................................

 

[salemgold]

Well, it sure would be great to have more old friends come by here! There's always plenty of room on the plaid couch out there in the front yard for us to sit and visit,

My honey girl goes back to work at the Lube Rack up there in town today! I just love her when she's all covered up with that grease and oil and she's kinda sexy with those box end wrenches sticking out of her hip pocket. I'm glad she's going to be bringing some money home because since I got her that Swiss Army knife for Christmas its left me a little bit busted. That girlie sure does like that knife though.

She put a ribbon around her neck and hung the knife off of that because we've never been able to find a belt that would go the whole way around her waist and she just looks so cute wearing that knife like a necklace. She's very proud of it. It even has a plastic toothpick in it!!!

Hey salem. Talking about unpleasant conversations with guvamint people. I had a guy from The Texas Wage and Hour Department come by here yesterday and he claimed I was not paying proper wages to my workers and he came out to out to interview me.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' he tells me.

'Well,' I said, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' I said....

He just shook his head and left.

TT

Darn I have to add to this for it to post?

 

[salemgold]

LOL, I don't know why, but I just happened to remember the time granny found SecondChance out by the wood shed. Granny said "what are you doing with that saw and where's your sister toto?"

Ha, ha, well you all know SC, he just grinned and said "she's my half-sister now."

TT

10 characters.........

 

[salemgold]

Glad to hear your vaping has improved Padre!!

I went up town to the Feed Store this afternoon and found out it was Hank's birthday.

I asked him what his wife, Josephine Bobby Bill, had given him for his birthday.

He said, "well, she gave me a pair of cuff links, but I ain't got no use for them."

I asked him why and he sez "heck, I checked all over town and I can't find no place to get my wrists pierced."

Poor Hank. I just shook my head and came on home.

Everyone knows you'd have to go to Tyler to get something like that done ...

TT

10 characters

 

[salemgold]

News Bulletin
Moody, Texas

A local man, Mr. SecondChance, was seen in town standing on a street corner feeling all optimistic,

Then he got himself runned over by a danged train.

Visiting hours at the Moody Clinic and Dry Cleaning/Tire Repair Center are from 3 - 4 pm.

As soon as our local police officer sobers up, he intends to investigate just how Mr. SecondChance got himself runned over by a danged train while standing on a street corner. Foul play is not suspected but there were some fowl spotted (not to be confused with Spotted Owls) in the area and this matter will be looked into.


Investigating Reporter: TT

Almost missed this one

 

[salemgold]

I was talking to SecondChance yesterday and he said "Hey TT, I've just bought a pig!""

"But where will you keep it SecondChance?" "Your yard's too small for a pig!"

SecondChance says "I'm going to keep it under my bed,"

I had to ask him ... "But what about the smell?"

SecondChance says, "Oh, he'll get used to that pretty quick!"

TT

10 charachters

 

[salemgold]

Hey LD, when we got home from the doctor, cousin LaTrine pulled in right behind us! She's still a pretty big old gal, always was built like a shiny, new Port-A-Can. LaTrine had a brand new tattoo on her left thigh of the entire State of Texas. It was a very nicely done tattoo and even showed Moody, Texas where SecondChance lives. Unfortunately, the panhandle of Texas ended up right up there by her ... unmentionable. That might be where it needs to be.

So we took her for a ride around the Sewage Treatment Plant and then I took her up to town and showed her where the Feed Store and Hardware store are. Their both a lot nicer places now than they were when she was last here. I had her and my wife in the back of the pick-up truck and pulled into Whatsthat burger and she got six or seven sandwiches and some Cokes and a bucket of fries. So we filled her belly up pretty good but I just had them eat in the back of the truck because I didn't think either one of those gals would fit in one of those tables at the Whatsthatburger.

So anyhow, she is on her way to your place now and said she wanted to stay with you for a few weeks. I'd suggest you get in a bunch of hamburgers for her and some of those big bottles of Coca Cola and please, LD, try to stay off of her leg. She's a pretty stout old gal and could probably put a hurtin on you right where your hair used to be.

Just wanted to let you know.

TT

Another one for the books

 

[salemgold]

Another good one from the man himself.

techno!!! You KNOW cousin Vegina Mae??!! Well my gosh, it certainly is a small world. I wondered where she took off to after they started missing all that stuff from the Dollar Store! Gosh, she was such a nice girl. SecondChance really liked her a lot. An unusual lot! But he mentioned that at the dinner table one time and I though granny was gonna whip up on him until he dropped that biscuit he was eating! Yeah, he liked her a LOT!

But apparently granny liked her more.

TT

 

[salemgold]

Another good one........

Gosh, I don't understand that Diesler.

Folks around here always went wild over cousin K-Space's singing. He was always the big star at our Old Timers Day. People around here don't have much money for tipping, but they'd always throw a chicken or a frog or something at him, so I figured they were nuts over how he sang a song!

They usually have Old Timers Day here in the middle of July when the temperature is 110 degrees and the humidity at 99%. I think they generally lose about two or three old timers at that thing every year from heat stroke. I don't know why they don't do it when its cooler, but I've quit going.

That's about all there is to do around here. Ride 4 wheelers and go to funerals. Heck, I've even seen some of these people ride their 4 wheeler to a funeral.

But, you have to remember we're way back in the woods.

TT

 

[salemgold]

TTs on a roll........

Hiya Jerry and salem and FranC (again!! I just lub my FranC) and oly and everyone else that I might have missed.

So yesterday my wifey and I decided to go to Tyler, Texas so she could go see those big mall places and I was just hoping she wouldn't get there and get falling down drunk like some ladies do.

The thing is, its a long and bumpy drive up to Tyler from here because we have to stay on the back roads since I haven't had the money to buy new license plates on the truck since 1994. And its so bumpy she complains a lot about riding in the back of the truck, but she doesn't fit in the truck anywhere else.

So we decided to take an airplane!!!

We go to the Patroon, Texas Airport and Laundrymat and buy us airplane tickets and then we get to go through Security. I love Security and so does she. Wifey is too big to go through that door thing where they look for stuff so they had to wave that wand thing all around her and when they stuck it between her legs she let out with a "Yahhhooooiiieeeee! that had everybody in the airport looking at her! Then she got mad at me (she isn't mad at me all the time, just most of the time) because I kept going back through Security to get patted down some more. That patten down lady was pretty old, but I think she was enjoying it as much as I was.

So we get on the airplane and squeeze my wife down into the side that has three seats and get her all comfortable. And she ordered a bottle of bourbon with a splash of lemon. I could see trouble coming already!

The airplane lady gets on that speaker thing and says "Good morning. As we leave Patroon, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Tyler, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."

And she goes on saying ...

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Then the pilot comes on the speaker and he says ... "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

Well, we take off down the runway and the end is getting closer and closer and people start murmering and some got loud and as we got closer to the end people started screaming. That's when I figured out the pilot and co-pilot both had bad eyes because I could hear one of them tell the other "one of these days those people aren't going to scream and we'll never know when to lift this thing off the ground!" That bothered me. A lot.

Well, we finally got to Tyler and as the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

We had a very nice day in Tyler trudging through 350 miles of Malls. I like their fast food places and stopped at every one that I could. Man, there's some good eating in those Malls. Wifey was wearing some gold great big platform shoes someone gave her and being on her second bottle of bourbon when one of those shoes blew out she went rolling down through that Mall scattering people like bowling pins! LOL, that shoe sounded just like the tire on a tractor trailer when they blow out!

Finally, as the sun started to set we began talking about heading back home.

We both decided we'd rather hitch hike than take another one of those air planes.

I don't think we'll ever do that again.

But I'll probably run by the airport to get patted down every once in a while.

TT

 

[JerryRM]

To be continued...................................

*Sigh* Now I have two threads to keep an eye on, UTC and this one !!!!!

 

[salemgold]

Another funny from the man himself lol

I had to take my wife to a doctors appointment today.

First I had to roll her out to the truck then get the winch set up and get her loaded in the back of the truck. And I was worn out right then, but it wasn't over.

I get her to town and roll her out of the back of the truck then had to get her upright so I could push her into the doctors office and had to get about five chairs lined up so she could sit down.

Thankfully she wore her coverall's from the Lube Rack and she was already all greasy so she slid through the door into the examination room pretty easy. The nurse told her she liked the little rose she had sewn over her shirt pocket. My wife likes feminine things like that.

So the doc comes in and wants to examine her and that meant getting her out of the coverall's. That was a battle and a half but I finally got it done and he listened to her heart and told her to quit lifting wrights for a while and I had to get her all dressed again. Well, by now she was having gas pains and started passing clouds of that green gas and I had to hold my breath for a real long time. In fact, I held my breath so long I nearly fainted. I really was gasping for air.

So finally I get her back out to the truck and into the back of it again. This time it was a real chore because I didn't have a winch to load her with. So we head home and of course I had to stop at Kentucky Freak and feed her and then Burger Boy and feed her and Whatsthatburger and feed her again. Get her home, get the winch back out and off load her.

I'm just plumb tuckered out.

TT

 

[salemgold]

Here is another..............

Good morning everybody from, warm, sunny, Deep East Texas ... radio station WRTT.

Weather report ... sunny and temp's in the mid-70's. Tomorrow a high of 80 degrees and sunny ... lows in the mid-50's.

In other news ,,, a popular local green bird looking guy was found strangled under his bale of hay in his barn early this morning by a pet turkey who raised an alarm by crowing like a 300 pound rooster. The guys carcass was hauled in the back of Sheriff Peter Whatzit's pick-up truck to the funeral house in town. Sadly, nobody told the people in the funeral house (I mean, they don't go out looking for business) and he was left on their porch out in the hot sun. This is the third time this month that has happened.

Sadly, this resulted in a quicker than usual burial and he was taken to the Pay As You Go Cemetary and planted. He made a few protests about not being dead, but nobody ever believed this guy anyhow and his carcas was properly disposed of.

Sheriff Whatzit, who investigated the matter stated to this reporter that it appeared the alledged victim had somehow managed to strangle hisself under his bed which was a bale of hay and although there were big, red finger marks on his neck it does not appear to be a homoside and there will be no further investigation.

A memorial service will be held on that little hill by the Sewage Tretment Plant where the guys from the Coffee Shop and Feed Store will be serving barbequed chicken and a couple turkey wings and drum sticks plus steaks from a steer that was found in the freezer of the guy with the green feathers. It ought to be a helluva party, so everyone come!

In other news, Sheriff Whatzit reports that a vehicle with South Carolina plates was seen leaving our peaceful little town in the middle of the night and at a high rate of speed. By the time Sheriff Whatzit was able to find his shoes the vehicle was long gone and although Sheriff Whatzit stood out on his porch for a while looking, the vehicle was never spotted so he went back in his trailer and resumed watching a re-run of the Super Bowl.

In other news, the handrail on the sidewalk outside of the Post Office is being repainted so unless you want yellow paint all over you, you are requested to keep your hands off of it.

We will continue to bring you breaking local news as it develops here on your favorite radio station, WRTT.

 

[salemgold]

Now this is funny!

Hiya Everybody!!! Good to see you!!!

Wow, I finally got caught up from back-reading. You guys talk a LOT and so fast that back-reading is a near impossibility.

Hey my sweet salem, how are you feeling tonight?

jj2, my wife gets all kinds of things stuck in her hair. She works at the Lube Rack up in town and when she gets off work, her hair is all greasy and sticky ... just the way I like it! I heard a noise coming from her hair one time and got to digging around and found our little Yorky in there. Poor thing hadn't eaten in two days.

TT

 

[salemgold]

Another good one from the master himself-

Hey you guys, I'm back!!!

Still pretty weak and tired, but I had to stop by tonight and say "hi" and see what you've been up to in my absense. Its going to take me a few days to get caught up and back up to speed again, so forgive me for not hanging around real long tonight. But I wouldn't be able to rest if I didn't come by and tell you that I've really missed all of you.

I've got to share one story with you tonight but there will be more coming!

You've seen pictures of what they call Silverback Gorilla's on television ... right? Big, huge, black, gigantic monsters whose heads kinda come to a peak on top and have massive arms and shoulders.

Okay. So I'm in that stoopid hospital bed with the sheet pulled up over my head and I'm vaping some Cookie Bomb and enjoying all the Michael Jackson drugs they'd given me. I had tangles of hoses, tubes, electrodes, unknown wires and other assorted fun stuff attached to my body and I wasn't going anywhere. They'd seen to that.

So I'm sitting there vaping my Cookie Bomb around two in the morning and singing with Little Richard who was coming through the ear phones of my iPod when suddenly, and with no warning, my sheets were ripped off of me and there in the middle of the night, in near total darkness ... was a Silverback Gorilla.

I don't know for sure, but I'd just about bet that my scream could be heard away out in the far reaches of the hospital parking lot!

The Gorilla was holding some kind of a box in one hand and a huge needle attached to a syringe in the other and it uttered one word and one word only.

Blood.

That's all it said.

Blood.

And with that it jammed that needle into my arm right there on the inside of the right elbow.

That scream probably wasn't as loud as the one when I first saw the Gorilla, but I think it produced the desired results which were an expression of the pain and fear I was experiencing.

Having extracted these vital fluids from my body the monster ambled off with a quick wave and the words ... "be back."

Lesson Learned: I had always thought that pulling the sheets over your head would protect one from the Boogey Man.

It doesn't work.

The monster got me anyhow.

My advice ... stay healthy and stay out of hospitals! There's some danged cute, sweet Nurses there ... but there's monsters too.

I'm soooo glad to be back with you guys and I love all of you! I wasn't able to have my laptop with me, but now that I'm catching up again, thank you for your phone calls, e-mails, Visitor Messages and most of all your prayers and kind thoughts!

TT

 

[salemgold]

More Tall tales

WooooHooooo!!! It was a big morning up there at the Coffee Shop!!

Seems old Fred was watching The Young and The Restless on the color television set and old man Harley came in and changed the channel to National Geographic and then ordered a cup of coffee and sat down at the table we all sit at.

Old Fred apparently just sat there staring at old man Harley and when old man Harley poured some coffee in his saucer and started to drink it, old Fred slapped the saucer and Harley got coffee up his nose and knocked his cup over and was gagging and choking and blowing coffee out of his nose.

Fred started laughing and Harley thunked him on top of the head with his Bible and called him a terrible name.

The old Mexican man who always sits over in the corner by himself started laughing real loud and the Church of Christ preacher got up and left!

The table won't get cleaned up until around 2 this afternooon because that's when the lady that runs the place cleans the tables.

This is going to be in the newspaper for sure!!

TT

 

[salemgold]

One of TTs better Tales.........

So I'm sitting in the hospital and my doctor, who also operates a Tanning Salon and Manicure/Pedicure Place, comes in and says ... "well, Mr. TexasT, we went down your throat into your magnificant belly (that's MY term) and couldn't find anything wrong so tomorrow we're going to go in from the other end and see what we can see. Oh, and by the way, I can give you a manicure while we're in there.

I declined.

But he gave me a coupon for the Tanning Salon.

So he goes on to say that the nurse is going to bring you a series of pills to take to clean you out and he leaves and here comes Nurse Frown. Nurse Frown never smiled once since I'd been in there, but you know what? By the time I left that hospital I had her laughing and smiling all the time!

Anyhow, Nurse Frown gives me four little paper cups and each cup had four pills in it that I was supposed to take ten or fifteen minutes apart and she says I'll be back in a couple hours with another series of pills for you.

Now you have to understand they have this blood dripping into me and all these things hooked to me and the bathroom was away over there!!! I politely asked Nurse Frown how I was expected to go to the toilet and she's says "oh don't worry. We're bringing you a porta-potty." And I said the hell you are. I'm not taking those pills and furthermore, I'm going home. So after some haggling, negotiating, threatening on my part, phone calls to the doctor, etc. Nurse Frown comes in and disconnects me from everything.

So, I take the pills as instructed.

Holy Ship!!!!

I was sure glad my wife had brought a can orf room spray!!! And I did a lot of high speed jogging between the plastic couch (now I know WHY they are plastic!!!) and the toilet! Where did all that come from???

Then here she comes later with more pills and to make a long story short I never got into my bed once that night. Thank God my wife showed up that morning to help me clean myself up!!!

They come and haul me up to the room where their going to ram that scope thing up my backside and the guy who administers the Michael Jackson drugs says ... "think of something you really like."

Well Nurse Showy is standing right there in front of me with her shabongers right in my face and I thought to myself, boy, I really like THAT!!! And its the last thing I remember.

That's about all I know about that experience.

But I still remember Nurse Showy and those shabongers!!

TT

 

[salemgold]

Another very Tall tale

Hey FranC, my wife had to drive me to the hospital because I ran out of blood pressures or something.

Getting that big old gal in behind the wheel of my truck was a chore and a half, but thank goodness she had her greasy coverall's on from the Lube Rack and that helped in sliding her in, but I had to put the seat back in the laying down position.

When we got to the hospital they took one look at her struggling to get out of that truck and they called the Fire Department and they came with the Jaws of Life and started cutting her out of the truck.

In the meantime I crawled to near the door of the Emergency Room and was laying there when they rushed by with her on three stretchers that were side by side.

They ignored me completely!!!

I kept yelling that I was the patient but I guess they didn't believe me.

Finally some janitor who had snuck out for a smoke saw me and helped me get into the E,R.

I'm sure glad that guy wasn't in some closet stealth vaping!!!

TT

 

[salemgold]

Another good one from the master himself .........

Well, today I called back home and talked to old man Frank at the Feed Store to find out what had been going on in town since we've been gone.

It turns out there was a little excitement. Old Seymore had stopped by Bubba's farm in that old Cadillac he drives ... the one with the tail fins and big white sidewall tires and he bought a bale of hay off of Bubba. Seymore put the bale of hay in the trunk of his Cadillac and was driving down the hill toward town when all of a sudden Seyore's trunk lid flew open.

Seymore, who usually can't walk very straight unless he's sober ... and he's never sober, got around to the back of his Cadillac and started to slam the trunk lid down but being in his "condition" he had placed his left hand on the fender of the car to steady himself and he slammed the lid shut on his hand.

His cell phone was in the car and so were the keys to the car because he had left it running. Lots of people who knew Seymore drove by and he was waving wildly at them, but I guess everybody thought he was just being friendly and waved back and kept on going. It was real hot and Seymore had a bottle of water, but it was in the car too. And people would keep on going by and Seymore would wave and they would wave and keep on going.

From what I understand it was around this time that the car either kicked itself into gear or was never out of gear in the first place, but it started moving slowly toward town. And going downhill the Cadillac picked up some speed and in a few minutes it was clipping along real good and there was Seymore with his hand caught between the trunk lid and the fender jogging ... and then running behind it.

Now Harvey, the Assistant Deputy What's in Charge usually sits in his police car in the shade right there beside the car wash in town and takes his Pokey naps (that name for naps has really caught on in town!!) . When Seymore's car went roaring through town the noise woke Harvey up and he jumped up fully alert and ready to take immediate action. And he did right after he got his combat boots back on and finally managed to crank that old police car. But by that time the Cadillac and old Seymore were long gone.

Deputy Harvey has filed a "Wanted For Speeding" report and he is keeping his eyes open (more or less) and on the lookout for Seymore who hasn't been seen since the incident occured. There's no telling where Seymore and his Cadillac ended up ... I guess he could be clear down in Moody, Texas by now. But nobody knows.

Anyhow, if any of you see an old Cadillac zooming by with an old man running at full speed behind it, please report it immediately.

Seymore's old horse needs that bale of hay!

Thank you,

TT

 

[salemgold]

Another good one

Hey hon, I got out of all kids of work today.

But it wasn't one of my best days.

This morning, before it got too hot, I went out and laid down on the plaid couch out there in the front yard by the boat because it was going to be too hot to go fishing. So I'm laying there taking me a nice, little Pokey nap and unbeknownst to me a big, old squirrel climbs up in my lap and HE snuggled hisself down for a nice nap too. So I'm laying there and got that itch like guys do ... you know what I mean. Well, I reach down to scratch it and instead grabbed me a big handful of squirrel tail.

Now I was three-quarters to two-thirds asleep or something like that because I'm not too sure about the math ... but imagine my surprise! I was laying there expecting to scratch my ... uh ... self and instead I grab me a big, old handful of fur with something kinda stiff underneath it!!!

The first thing that came to mind was that God had finally punished me for all my past transgressions like that preacher said was gonna happen to me.

You know, its funny how fast you can think of things and I was thinking soooo fast about how I was going to spend the rest of my life in the do-good department and to please restore my ringdangdoo to normalcy. I didn't want to be burdened with this hard, furry thing for the rest of my life.

Now all this thinking took place while I was in the process of becoming fully awake, I know ... an unusual state for me ... but I was on my way there and doing all this real fast thinking when all of a sudden I guess that squirrel decided that he was going to take offense at me strangling his tail like that. And take offense he did.

That squirrel was all over me and I was trying to fight it off with one hand while covering my vital organs from bites with the other. There was a big ball of string laying on the plaid couch that Nursie T had left there (I think she had been knitting or something) and that squirrel managed to get some of it wrapped around his neck and about that time he jumped into the boat and was running around in there knocking over my tackle boxes and bass lures were sticking to him all over the place making him even madder than he already was.

I finally gather my composure and grabbing that string I dragged the squirrel out of the boat and even though he had half the bass lures I own stuck to him, I dragged him to the pond beside the house and I started swinging that danged squirrel over my head and finally slung him in my pond. The squirrel had so many lures stuck to him that he went underwater immediately and I thought to my self "good riddance."

But all of a sudden that line went tight and it was all I could do to hang onto it. I didn't know what was going on because the water is muddy and I couldn't see the squirrel but curiosity got the better of me and I started pulling that squirrel back to the yard and when I got him there he had eight real good sized bass that had bit on those lures and the bass were well attached to him.

So I got the bass off of the squirrel and then turned him loose. He had earned it! Eight real fine bass!! That's dinner for a few days!

So I got a stringer out of the boat and put the bass on it and went in the house. My wife said in that kinda screechy voice of hers "I thought you said it was too hot to go fishing!!!"

I just said "Don't ask" and went in the kitchen to clean the fish.

And that was my day.

TT