TT's Tall Tales

[Sdh]

I cannot believe I never seen this thread! OMG! Hilarious TT!!!

 

[salemgold]

Here we go again.................

Hey, Gummy Bear, this TT Retirement isn't everything its cracked up to be!

Free sent me a chicken to cook for dinner via UPS and they threw it over the gate and the poor chicken was nearly traumatized. The problem with this chicken #1 - is I don't have a gate and #2 was that it was still alive so I did the necessary and scalped it right above the shoulder blades and it did the requisite flopping around as chickens are prone to do.

I knew it would be several minutes before I could start plucking feathers and with all this taking place out in the front yard I decided this was a perfect time to take a nap on my plaid couch while I waited. So I did.

Now when chickens find themselves in this unfortunate position you expect them to expire in short order. Right? Right.

Well, after a few minutes I awoke to find a headless chicken with her winds outspread, resting on my belly ... rising and falling with each breath of mine. I thought to myself, this must be a dream or something. Chickens without heads cannot find their way onto my belly and just lay there resting. I laid there looking at this apparition in disbelief when suddenly it let out this indescribable noise that I've never heard emitted by a chicken before in my life. I thought to myself, boy, these Illinois chickens sure do talk funny!

All of a sudden it occurred to me that I was numb with fear and that "fight or flight" instinct kicked in which we have discussed before at some length. so you already know my choice is ... and always will be ... flight. So I left the scene at a high rate of speed ... well, fast for me anyhow. Limping on one leg and hobbling on the other as quickly as possible. I turned and looked behind me to see if I was escaping from this headless horseman chicken and here it came right behind me.

So I ran and jumped on my 4wheeler and took off as fast as I could to get away from this thing and when I figured I had gone far enough I stopped and chuckled to myself ... but wait. I was still hearing chuckling even after I had stopped chuckling! I turned and there was that chicken! She was on the rear rack on the 4wheeler and she was chuckling!! Not clucking ... chuckling!

I think that's when I fainted.

TT

 

[salemgold]

More about TTs pets

Well salem, you sound like you're prepared for everything ... whatever it is. You must have been one of those Green Beret's or Girl Scouts or whatever they call them. But you're one tough cookie (get it? Cookie? Girl Scouts? ... get it? ha, ha, ha) and I'll bet you'll be all better real fast and we've put you on our prayer list until we know you are okay. So get okay!

And you get rest and take it easy. Don't worry about being on here ... just let us know from time to time that you're getting better ... like every five minutes.

Honey girl went with me down to the south pasture where I managed to get my tractor a little bit high-centered. It wasn't bad. She came around and got in front of the tractor after we put some chunks of firewood under the tires and with the truck in 4 wheel drive gave me enough of a push that the tractor came right out. No sweat. She did a good job though and I let her know I was real proud of her.

Actually, as big as she is I could have probably just had HER back up to the tractor and push, but she had on clean coverall's and I didn't want her getting dirty and sweaty. I'm very considerate like that.

So I mowed for a while, but its so stinking hot and humid I gave it up around 2 pm. I'll get an earlier start tomorrow.

The headless chicken has found that it likes to ride on the bush hog behind the tractor. That is one crazy chicken ... although its hard to figure how a chicken like that can be crazy when it doesn't even have a head to be crazy with! Its neck is all healed over except for one little hole and I've noticed it sucks up bugs through that hole. So I guess that's how its staying alive.

Hey Free, I'm excited about the pig getting here. If that pig likes to sweat, its sure coming to the right place! Especially out there on that tractor. Everyone says pigs make fine pets, but you know, I've never had one. My granddaughter did and she had that thing housebroken and everything. My DW says a pig might be a good influence on me. I don't know what she meant by that and I didn't bother asking.

My wife says we're having "pigs in a blanket" for dinner ... I'm getting nervous about my pig already ... sounds to me like my wife has plans ...

TT

Illustrated Version

 

[salemgold]

We have got to find a nice easy contest for TT to win!

Well, I'm laying out there on the plaid couch in the front yard this afternoon in the shade of the boat taking me a nice, little Pokey nap and here comes that crazed UPS driver and he throws this big package over where the gate ought to be. I thought to myself, boy, I hope that's not a new television set and then I remembered ... I don't have any money to buy a new television set.

So I get this big box and boy, that thing smelled bad but I open it up and it was that pig that Free was going to send me. As usual with UPS, it got here real slow. They must hire everybody that the USPS runs off.

So I get the hose and wash off the pig. The pig really liked that and I think we kinda bonded a little bit. Kind of like LD with Gummy Bear's leg. I knew I needed to feed the poor thing and all I had was that big sack of dog food, so I gave the pig some of that and he wolfed it right down.

Now I was expecting a nice, little piggy and this was a nice piggy ... but there wasn't anything little about it. This nice piggy was going around two hundred pounds on the hoof and he was still hungry. So I get my lawnmower ramp and get him loaded in the back of my pick up truck (he was much easier to load than it is to load my wife) and we take off for the Feed Store.

I bought a collar and a leash for my piggy and some corn and hog feed and all the old men who hang out at the Feed Store had to come out and see my piggy. One old feller wanted to know what I was going to name it and I said Miss Piggy of course. And he says, "but I think that's a boy piggy" and I said, "what the hell does a piggy know?" A piggy doesn't care what you call it. Hell, I could call it SecondChance and it wouldn't care. He had to agree with my logic.

So I take Miss Piggy home and put the collar on him and got to thinking about how my granddaughter had trained her pig and even house broke it. So I thought ... why not. My wife was at some hen's party out at the lake and she would never know ... so me and Miss Piggy go in the house. I played with him a while and petted him and showed him around and stuff and sat down to watch Zack and his crazies chase ghosties on television. But it was a re-run and after a while I dozed off.

I awoke to this terrible smell and called my brother-in-law's name thinking he was here ... but there was no answer. So I stood up and stepped right in it and it squished right up between my toes and I jumped and when I landed I stepped right into another pile/puddle of it and now I had it all over both of my feet!!! Pig poop!!!

I guess the dog food I had given Miss Piggy didn't agree with his stomach and he pooped all over the house. Some of it was puddles and some of it was piles and some of it was puddles mixed in with piles and I knew my wife would be coming home soon!

So I get my wife's bath towels and started wiping up puddles and I got some WalMart bags and picked up the solid pieces and put them in the bags and about that time my mustache got itchy.

And I mean my mustache was REALLY itchy!!

So ... I scratched it.

And the smell of that stuff all over my fingers went straight up my nostrils and I lost it.

Then my wife walked in the door.

Her bath towels were covered with pig poop. There were WalMart bags full of pig poop. I had got sick and evidently that made the pig sick too and there were puddles of that and I was in a world of poop ... so to speak.

But it will be okay. I'm pretty sure these contusions, abrasions and lacerations will heal with time and I don't know if I'll be able to walk in the morning but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to crawl.

Why does everything happen to me?

And all Gummy Bear and salem and melissa do is win nice things.

I don't understand it

TT

Warning: put down the coffee~~~~~~~

 

[salemgold]

More tips for TT and his pig

So with a lot of training,,,,, all's well that ends well.

and Gummy wins again..............
(see it even made the newspaper.)

 

[salemgold]

Illustration to follow...............

I sure do hate to burst everyone's bubble like this ... but I have to tell you.

I know every one of you enjoy watching that program on television where these movie stars and television stars and rock ' roll singing people get in the river and doodle for catfish. They show them ducking down into the river and coming up with a big, old catfish in their hands that they supposedly pulled out of a hole in the bank of the river.

Well, they didn't really do it. This program is filmed up around Palestine, Texas and its my grandson and a teenaged friend of his that actually go underwater and catch the catfish. Then they give it to the movie star or whomever and then that person ducks back under the water holding the catfish and then they pop back up yelling and screaming and giggling and making faces and all that for the television camera.

My grandson and his friend are out of school for the summer and came down here to our place to spend a week at the lake houses for the 4th of July week. And, having some new blood to introduce to doodling for catfish, the boys invited my wife to go do it with them. Being the good sport that she is, she agreed to do it.

So they get her out along the banks of the lake and start doodling and found a big, ol' catfish in a hole and told her to duck down and put her hand in the catfish's mouth and pull it out of the hole. Now my wife is a rather large person, probably tapping around 470 pounds (I'd like to get her up to the Feed Store and weigh her, but she refuses to go) and she goes under the water, but I guess she missed the little catfish hole the boys were talking about and instead, found a small cavern.

She reached way back in that cavern and felt a mouth so she stuck her arm in the mouth and started to pull, but suddenly the fish was pulling her and was swallowing her!!!

That poor fish came out of that hole with my wife half in and half out of its mouth and was gagging like crazy!! Have you ever heard a fish gag? It was terrible. It was trying to spit this giant thing out of its mouth that it and acidently swallowed!! It was on top of the water, under the water, thrashing, gagging, sputtering, coughing and I knew I had to do something at once.

In that I am always fully on alert and ready to jump into action at a moments notice (thanks to my Whatsthatburger training) I unscrewed the cartos from two of my batteries and holding one on the catfish's head and the other on its tail I pushed the buttons on the batteries and electrically shocked the catfish and it spat my wife out. Then the boys and I grabbed that catfish and I got a big mouthfull of water and gave the catfish mouth to mouth water prespiration and saved its life.

I was the hero of the lake and everyone got around me in their boats and were blowing their air horns and yelling and swigging beer and cheering. It was wonderful.

So I had to rush home and write all this down so I could tell you about it.

OMG!! I just realized that I left my wife out there floating on the lake!! I'd better run out there and get her or she might get mad.

Be back in a while!!

TT

Well I only heard part of the story how he caught this one with nutten but his arm. Perhaps we can get him to tell all of us the whole story.

 

[Gummy Bear]

Good thing he saved Mrs TT before I took this picture or I might have had to back up more to get it to all fit in the pic.

 

[salemgold]

Need another good illustration, Gummy

This is TexasT here, your favorite announcer on radio station KRTT, the voice of Toledo Bend in beautiful East Texas where you can get your latest weather reports, local news and current hog prices. Everything the discerning individual needs to know in today's world!!

Well, you all know that the local population up there in town is more fun than a barrel of monkeys and always have something wild and weird going on. Its happened again! The entire town is in an uproar!!

Its neighbor again neighbor, beer cans being thrown, yelling and screaming, hate and discontent and a murder mystery and now a big trial has happened. Yessiree Bob, its an explosive situation right here in town!!

It all began when Mr. Willyford Curiosity who writes a Pet article for the local newspaper, published his latest column stating that cats spend their entire days plotting and planning on how to destroy all of us. He went on to say that cats are just small women in fur coats (you might note here that Mr. Curiosity has never been married) and referred to cats as "porch thugs" who have never learned that playing tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet is not acceptable behavior.

Well, shortly after that article was published Mrs. Henrietta Hugebelly reported her cat as being missing. A report was filed with Assistant Deputy Harvey Jayjaytwo at the local Police Department and he began an immediate investigation. The Deputy was walking in the alley behind Mr. Curiosity's house (because his bycicle was broken) and found Mrs. Hugebelly's cat ... lying there dead. In light of Mr. Curisiosity's recent article the Deputy surmised that Mr. Curiosity had killed this cat and placed him under house arrest.

The newspaper headlines the next day reported that "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT!"

Mr. Curiosity hired himself a high priced lawyer from Moody, Texas where all the rich people live, Mr. Serius K. "Scat Cat" SecondChance, to defend him. In court, Mr. SecondChance stated that he would defend Mr. Curiosity until the cows came home and later said this trial would never be over until the fat lady sings. Where upon my wife jumped to her feet and began her rendition of "When The Moon Comes Over The Mountain."

Judge SecondChance (claiming no relationship to Mr. Curiosity's attorney) declared Mr. Curiosity innocent of all charges and this is when pandemonium broke out in our fair town. Cat Lovers United, a local group of elderly, over-weight ladies, marched braless through town chanting something about cat attacks and were throwing litter box contents all over Main Street.

This reporter will continue to keep you posted as these riots progress or end ... whichever comes first.

TT

 

[Gummy Bear]

Oh my,, what a sight. I was dispatched to the area with my trusty Polaroid and will have the pics here as soon as they get back from being developed at the Walgreens.

 

[Gummy Bear]

OK so it took a while, That dang Walgreens charged me $3.00 to develop my Polaroid picture.

TT was right for sure, it was pure pandemonium down there.

And of course,, now there are allegations that Mr. Curiosity bribed that Judge.

 

[TexasT]

My gosh Gummy Bear! You have got everybody in that pic! There's you ... right in front of the nekkid lady, Don Knotts, my dog Chance, me and the missus, Pokey's Pony, Nursie T's avvie on the newspaper, the dead cat, the drunk armadillo, and bra's flying through the air!!

Absolutely wonderful!!

TT

 

[tgcrna]

And Salem's parrot is there, too. Is that a glass of blue lizardade you are drinking, Gummy?

 

[Gummy Bear]

And Salem's parrot is there, too. Is that a glass of blue lizardade you are drinking, Gummy?

No, that's the game "A barrel Full Of Monkeys"
Also there is a real pic on me in there with the Commodores. (Mrs TT is singing to us)
And the cat filing it's evil fingernails
And the fat lady that owned the dead cat
and Second Chance way back there on the courthouse steps.

 

[salemgold]

Another tale

There's no way you guys are going to believe this.

My wife went up to the Old Timers Fatality Days Festivities up in town because some of my smaller grandkids are here and of course they have to ride all the rides that the little carnival has set up and my wife needed to be there to take pics and visit with everybody in the gol'danged town. I don't think too many people talked to my wife when she was a child because she sure likes to talk now and is making up for it.

Anyhow, I was on the phone with LD and told him I had to go because it was about time for her to get home and I needed to go downstairs and turn on the outside lights for her. And right about then she pulled in and parked her snazzy car in the pole barn.

So she starts walking toward the house and we both heard this kind of a growl. So of course I went back in the house figuring that if this thing was going to eat one of us it might as well be her because I have so much mowing to do.

She gets in the house and called me a bunch of real bad names for leaving her outside alone with some kind of a monster ... which I denied doing and explained I had a cake in the oven I had needed to check on and that in reality I'm the macho, hero type of guy who fears nothing!

To prove my point I got my 9mm semi-automatic that has a 30 round clip and went out to face the creature.

As I got near her car I discovered what it was.

It was a damned cat!

That thing had got up under her car somewhere while she was in town and rode home with her under her car.

My fearless dog Chance was with me and when he saw the cat he ran back to the porch and climbed in a cardboard box that she had used for some of her rocks she had brought home from Arkansas.

Chance and I seem to have a lot in common.

TT

 

[Gummy Bear]

 

[salemgold]

This will be hard to illustrate Then again, maybe not.

Yeah Sdh, FatChance is one of SecondChance's cousins on his mothers sisters, brothers side of the part of the family that was married to somebody. He was actually a highly successful harmonica player. He used to sit beside the car wash and entertain people as they washed their Pontiac's, Nash Ramblers and Hudson's and made enough money to buy some beers every night. He was best known for his rendition of "The Wreck of the Old 97" on the harmonica which some say he associated with SecondChance saying that ol' SecondChance was a train wreck.

He would probably be handy to have around to find foreign objects on your floors because, as I recall, he never wore shoes. But a lot of people around here are that way. I haven't heard from him in several years ... heck, he could be a big time music star in one of the big cities like Moody, or Sylas or Karnack or some place like that here in Texas.

TT

Ha, I found it,,,,

I knew that I had seen it somewhere.

 

[Gummy Bear]

Let's see there was something about FatChance playing a harmonica with his feet, Right?

(But that was years ago)

 

[salemgold]

Here is another that needs to be illustrated, Gummy

Hiya techno and thank you for the recipe!

Nursie T, I was seriously going to go out and mow today. Really!

But my wife wanted to take our dog Chance to the Vet so she could spend a whole bunch of money. She loves to spend a whole bunch of money.

But first, Chance had to be bathed and by the time we got him out from behind the headboard of the bed when he ran to hide when he learned he was getting a bath it was already getting late in the morning. And the rascal had to hide there and my wife saw all my vaping gear back there and now she knows where I hide. I have to find a new hiding pace.

The strange thing is that Chance loves to get a bath. Really! He just has to play this little game first.

So we got him cleaned up and then I had to get my wife cleaned up. Now that is a real job and a half. I mean just scrubbing her big old back is a thirty minute job. I wish Sdh had been here because she likes to stick her hands in ... never mind.

So anyhow, I eventually got her cleaned up and dressed. Chance jumped right in the back seat of the truck but I had a heck of a time getting my wife loaded in the bed of the truck. And by the time I got her in there I was already all hot and sweaty and not for the reasons you might think.

So we went to the Vet and spent a whole lot of money and came home and I took a great big old Pokey nap. The last time I saw Chance he was chasing that barn cat around the house. That cat ought to know to stay at the barn. Dumb cat. I think it was eating Chance's food while we were gone.

So I never did mow and in fact, never did much of anything. But that's okay.

All I have is time!

And I love it!

TT

TGs response

The pictures you paint!!