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5. This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
4
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
1)
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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4
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
#5
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.
While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.
While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
2)
Some limericks are not perfect rhymes
It's the tempo that keeps them in line
When focused on sound
more options abound
as the syllables meter the time
Some limericks are not perfect rhymes
It's the tempo that keeps them in line
When focused on sound
more options abound
as the syllables meter the time
5
There was a young man from Manhattan
Who tried his hard hat to flatten
He gave up the task,
Took a swig from his flask,
And took the ferry to Island Staten.
There was a young man from Manhattan
Who tried his hard hat to flatten
He gave up the task,
Took a swig from his flask,
And took the ferry to Island Staten.
3)
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
1. What is a DUMB WAITER?
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
2)
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
2. What is a STOREROOM?
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
#1
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly!
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly!
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
3. What is a TOP BUNK?
I place you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
I place you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
4. What is a TWO-MINUTE WARNING?
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
1.
Fog forced our Puerto Rico-to-New York plane to be diverted to Washington, D.C. As I left the cockpit, a passenger complained, "A little bit of fog never stopped a train from getting to its destination."
I was about to respond, but his wife did the honors. "That’s right, Charlie," she said.
"Next time you want to go from San Juan to New York, you take the train."
Fog forced our Puerto Rico-to-New York plane to be diverted to Washington, D.C. As I left the cockpit, a passenger complained, "A little bit of fog never stopped a train from getting to its destination."
I was about to respond, but his wife did the honors. "That’s right, Charlie," she said.
"Next time you want to go from San Juan to New York, you take the train."
5.
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.
The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.
The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
1. There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.
She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.
In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"
The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"
The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"
Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"
The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.
In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"
The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"
The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"
Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"
The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
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