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[Jenavieves]

2. A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years.

"Alice" he gasps "my dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from next door".

"But you said that you have always hated Bert" said Alice.

"O I do dear, I do.".

 

[Jenavieves]

oo sorry about that

 

[glassmanoak]

2

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

Still rocking on the same Triple V Polypro with my DIY Absinthe for 10 days. Amazing!

 

[lettucehead]

4)

Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?

A : Tomorrow

 

[Neya]

2.
A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car. The title of the book: How to Beat a Lie Detector Test.

 

[lettucehead]

5)

Q. What gets wet with drying?

A : A towel

 

[Neya]

3.
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

 

[gogoplata]

1. What did the duck say when the waitress came?

Put it on my bill.

WOKKA WOKKA

 

[glassmanoak]

3

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

 

[Jenavieves]

3.

I went to a restaurant last week and just as my soup arrived, I needed the toilet. To make sure that no-one tampered with it' I wrote on my napkin "I have spit in this soup".

On my return I noticed that the waiter had written on the napkin "that's okay, so have I!".

 

[ChellyNelly]

1. This is my fave joke lately, it makes me laugh everytime:

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog there, it was a sh!tzu.

 

[gogoplata]

2. What is your dog's favorite color?

GRRRRREEN!

 

[glassmanoak]

4
When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.

(RIMSHOT)

 

[gogoplata]

3. Knock Knock
Who's there?
tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

For the win...I want that tank...woot woot

 

[The Ocelot]

1)

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

 

[paulbald2]

2) Where do you get virgin wool?

From ugly sheep.

 

[gogoplata]

4. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine!

 

[mogium]

#2
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 

[rosesense]

Monday #1

Q: Why was the math textbook so sad?
A: He had a lot of problems!

 

[The Ocelot]

2)
A bear walked into a man
He wasn't joking