We need some laugh in here, joke of the day

[Rhetoric Camel]

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a
nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to
put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they
came to visit Grandpa:

'How do you like it here?' asks t he grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,
'Abdullah says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here-- he's 85 years
old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him
'Maestro'! ' There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been
on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
''There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years and everyone still calls him Doctor?! 'And me -- I haven't had sex for
35 years and they still call me 'The F--king Arab'

 

[Rhetoric Camel]

sorry found a bunch of old jokes in my e-mail figured I'd post them all.... and sorry for all the itialian jokes... italian family brings italian jokes...


ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the
Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Eacha of DA trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little doga come along and ****a by eacha tree. So now you gota
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

 

[CHUCKLEHEAD]

What does a blonde with pony tails have over a blonde with out?

 

[Stickless]

What does a blonde with pony tails have over a blonde with out?

Okay, I'll ask...

What does a blonde with pony tails have over a blonde with out?

 

[CHUCKLEHEAD]

Okay, I'll ask...

What does a blonde with pony tails have over a blonde with out?

POWER STEERING

 

[NewVaporUser007]

haha that first 1 was funny

 

[Liscab]

What gets wetter the more it dries?

 

[AngusATAT]

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A sponge.

 

[Liscab]

A sponge.

A towel was in my mind but a sponge sound better

 

[Ashhead]

What do you get when you turn a blonde up-side-down???

( A brunette with bad breath ) <---mouse over

 

[Ez Duzit]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[Ashhead]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."

 

[Ez Duzit]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.



(scroll down)
























"MY ROLEX!"

 

[Ashhead]

more jokes please....

 

[Liscab]

A red-head, brunette and a blonde were all about to be executed, one at a time. First up was the red-head, and as she stood up against the wall before several men with guns, she suddenly yelled, "Earthquake!"

All of the men were so confused they ran for cover and the red-head escaped by the time they realized there was no earthquake.

Next up was the brunette, who stood before the line of armed men and at the last second yelled, "TORNADO!"

Once again, the men were confused and the brunette slipped away when the men turned around to look for a tornado.

Finally, up stepped the blonde( it was an ET bonded girl OK) before the shooting line. The man in charged instructed his men, "Ready. Aim..." and just at that moment the blonde screamed, "FIRE!"

 

[Ez Duzit]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most
beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus - and walked over to inspect it closer.


As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected

little burst of flatulence escaped her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had
noticed.There standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had
happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if
you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh_t when you hear the price.

 

[drango]

Doctor:- "I've got some good news and bad news"

Patient:- "What's the good news?"

Doctor:- "you've got 24 hours to live"

Patient:- "whats the bad news"

Doctor:- "I should have told you yesterday"

 

[Ez Duzit]

Doctor: I'm very sorry, there's no easy way to put this, but you're going to die.
Patient: Oh my god that's, horrible. How long do I have?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten??? Ten What? Days? Weeks? Months?
Doctor: 9...8...7.........................

 

[Drunkwaco]

A young man is starting his frist day out at the old sheep ranch today. He talks to the head boss "so what do we do for fun when were not tending to the sheep". The old man looks at him and says " boy Where in the middle of no where. There's nothing to do ever."
So the young man asks "well what do we do for women there is non around" the old man replys "Nope but no one cares just grab a sheep and have at it."
Well the young man last about 3 weeks and finally can't take it any longer and picks out a sheep and goes to town. Moments later the head boss and a few others are spoted on the hill laughing as hard as they can. So the young man goes up to them and says " what's the deal you said it was ok. So why are all of you laughing?"

"Well you picked out the ugliest one"

 

[Drunkwaco]

A man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She says, "I'd take half and leave your ...!" The man says, "Excellent!! I won 12 bucks, here's 6, get out now!"