what did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right we do taste like chicken...hehe
They're right we do taste like chicken...hehe
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The DOG says: WHAT!DO I LOOK LIKE A REFRIGERATOR??
Classic...maybe an audible would be better hehe
This isn't really a joke but its an interesting/funny thing about the French language
the phrase:
"je me sens bien"
can mean either:
"I feel fine"
or
"I smell myself well"
(seriously)
disclaimer: no offense meant to anyone or anything French or against French-speaking people -- it really is just a coincidence about the Quasimodo joke and this
the phrase:
"je me sens bien"
can mean either:
"I feel fine"
or
"I smell myself well"
(seriously)
disclaimer: no offense meant to anyone or anything French or against French-speaking people -- it really is just a coincidence about the Quasimodo joke and this
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(I'll have you all know that to type this joke took some major restraint in order to type without cluttering it up by post certain reference-inspired Beatles songs along the way, heh)
There was a weekly "Lonely Heart's" dance held every Saturday evening down at the Elk's club and every Saturday, like clockwork, Walter, who had a wooden left eye and was rather self-conscious about it, showed up and sat in the far corner, too shy to actually ask anyone to dance but ever hopeful
One Saturday Walter spotted a new face, a shy looking woman at the other end of the hall who had a rather large noticeable proboscis, a real hooter of a honker on her face but alright looking otherwise, and who appeared to be looking around perhaps looking for a chance to dance.
Walter figured this might at last be his opportunity
He approached and asked "Would you like to dance?"
She eagerly said "Would I? would I?!"
He replied "big nose big nose!"
disclaimer: no offense meant to people with big noses, shy people, Elk's clubs, lonely heart clubs, dance halls, people who like to dance, people named Walter, people with wooden eyes, or Saturdays
There was a weekly "Lonely Heart's" dance held every Saturday evening down at the Elk's club and every Saturday, like clockwork, Walter, who had a wooden left eye and was rather self-conscious about it, showed up and sat in the far corner, too shy to actually ask anyone to dance but ever hopeful
One Saturday Walter spotted a new face, a shy looking woman at the other end of the hall who had a rather large noticeable proboscis, a real hooter of a honker on her face but alright looking otherwise, and who appeared to be looking around perhaps looking for a chance to dance.
Walter figured this might at last be his opportunity
He approached and asked "Would you like to dance?"
She eagerly said "Would I? would I?!"
He replied "big nose big nose!"
disclaimer: no offense meant to people with big noses, shy people, Elk's clubs, lonely heart clubs, dance halls, people who like to dance, people named Walter, people with wooden eyes, or Saturdays
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I'm going to go ahead and say it just so nobody else does (better to at least have it come from me than from somebody else so lets just get these right outta the way):
Question:
What are John Lennon and George Harrison doing right now?
Answer:
decomposing
What did the headline read when the wax museum melted?
"Beatles -- back together again!"
Disclaimer: no offense meant to John Lennon or George Harrison or any of the other Beatles, just trying to ward off the inevitable, would rather grimace and say them myself and get them out of the way and at least not have to be mad at somebody else for saying them
Question:
What are John Lennon and George Harrison doing right now?
Answer:
decomposing
What did the headline read when the wax museum melted?
"Beatles -- back together again!"
Disclaimer: no offense meant to John Lennon or George Harrison or any of the other Beatles, just trying to ward off the inevitable, would rather grimace and say them myself and get them out of the way and at least not have to be mad at somebody else for saying them
I'm enjoying the disclaimers more than the corny jokes!!
On the corny joke subject here is one I taught my son when he was six, and it got ME called into the school.
Where do you find a gopher hole?
Underneath his little tail!!
damn teach had no sense of humor....
On the corny joke subject here is one I taught my son when he was six, and it got ME called into the school.
Where do you find a gopher hole?
Underneath his little tail!!
damn teach had no sense of humor....
LOL good one,
but you'd better hope you haven't offended any gophers, gopher holes, holes (of any other sort), or tails (to anything).
I can only hope I didn't manage to offend any wax museums either
(I see I accidentally left them off my last disclaimer)
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For all the college football fans out there....
Do you know what you get when you cross a Florida Gator with an Arkansas Razorback? ...
Nothing....
There are somethings a pig just WILL NOT do!
The best is yet to come . . . turn the page!
Do you know what you get when you cross a Florida Gator with an Arkansas Razorback? ...
Nothing....
There are somethings a pig just WILL NOT do!
The best is yet to come . . . turn the page!
Belated Halloween:
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint...
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ... and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint...
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ... and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was .........ing furiously.
Oh my GOD! Screamed the woman. That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
Oh, well in that case, I guess its okay, said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: Same illness, better insurance.
Oh my GOD! Screamed the woman. That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
Oh, well in that case, I guess its okay, said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: Same illness, better insurance.
Do you know how man walking on the moon and a chalk board are alike??? They're both re-markable. 
My room mate was so drunk the other night.He swerved too miss a tree!!! Then realized it was his air freshener!
Old woman opens her door to a Trick or Treater.
She says. "Oh my! You're a scary Pirate!"
She then notices the little kid is alone and asks, "Mr. Pirate, where are your Buccaneers?"
The kid replied, "Unner my buckin hat."
She says. "Oh my! You're a scary Pirate!"
She then notices the little kid is alone and asks, "Mr. Pirate, where are your Buccaneers?"
The kid replied, "Unner my buckin hat."
Do you know what you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder catastrophe!
Just the other night on Halloween, the little 6 yr old neighbor came over trick or treating. After my husband gave him some candy, his Mother looked at her son and said, "What do you say?!", and he looked up at us and said "Can I have some more?".
His Mother scolded him and said"Johnny!, Now you KNOW what I meant, remember what Mamma told you? What do you say to the nice people for giving you some candy??"
He stood there thinking..., with his little finger on his lip,"ummmm"
Then got all excited and said,"Oh! I know!, Can I have some more, PLEEEASE!!??"
Not a joke really, but thought it was cute anyway....
His Mother scolded him and said"Johnny!, Now you KNOW what I meant, remember what Mamma told you? What do you say to the nice people for giving you some candy??"
He stood there thinking..., with his little finger on his lip,"ummmm"
Then got all excited and said,"Oh! I know!, Can I have some more, PLEEEASE!!??"
Not a joke really, but thought it was cute anyway....
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Just the other night on Halloween, the little 6 yr old neighbor came over trick or treating. After my husband gave him some candy, his Mother looked at her son and said, "What do you say?!", and he looked up at us and said "Can I have some more?".
His Mother scolded him and said"Johnny!, Now you KNOW what I meant, remember what Mamma told you? What do you say to the nice people for giving you some candy??"
He stood there thinking..., with his little finger on his lip,"ummmm"
Then got all excited and said,"Oh! I know!, Can I have some more, PLEEEASE!!??"
Not a joke really, but thought it was cute anyway....
might not be a joke but it was still funny
a lot of good jokes in here if I can ever remember any of the funny ones I've heard I'll add, until then, keep this alive! haha
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to the front of his pants. The barkeep points and asks "arrrr, what that be for?"
The pirate says "arrr, she's drivin' me nuts!"
The pirate says "arrr, she's drivin' me nuts!"
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