We need some laugh in here, joke of the day

[rocketvapor]

A little late for Halloween, but the worst joke ever, none the less....


A skeleton walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him, "What'll it be?"

The skeleton says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."


Rim-Shot!

 

[Liscab]

might not be a joke but it was still funny

a lot of good jokes in here if I can ever remember any of the funny ones I've heard I'll add, until then, keep this alive! haha

I guess there would be not reason to kill theses posts.

THE WORM

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following
results: The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead.
Third worm in sperm -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -- "What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[Shatosa]

Do you know what you call a mushroom in a bar? A fungi to be with.

 

[suhrim21]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig,” she retorted indignantly!

“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again

 

[Rhetoric Camel]

^---- good thing I didn't bet because I definitely read it again!

 

[Rhetoric Camel]

oh yeah just heard a joke today at work so I figured I'd tell it

This Japanese lady walks into a bank and says with Japanese accent "I'd rike to exchange 1,000 yen for American money prease" She gets back $10.
The next day she walks in again and says "I'd rike to exchange 1,000 yen for American money prease" the teller hands her $8.50.
She looks at the man and says "Why did I get ten dorrar yesterday and eight dorrars and fifty cents today?"
The teller looks at the Japanese woman and says "Fluctuation"
The lady looks at him with anger and says "F--k you American's too!"


Disclaimer: This is not to offend any Japanese people or any Asians in general. For the love of god it's just a joke.

 

[Ashhead]

LOVED the last two!!!!

 

[Ashhead]

Guy walks into a bar with a lamp and a miniature piano, grabs a stool and sits down.
He sits the lamp and the piano down and orders a beer.
The bartender asks about the piano and lamp as he hands the beer over.
The man pulls from his pocket a foot tall person who immediately sits down and begins playing. He explains how he found the lamp on the beach and went to wipe it off and *POOF* a genie popped out and offered him three wishes.
Amazed, the bartender asks if he can try it... The man agrees to allow one wish, but as he was about to explain... The bartender grabs the lamp and rubs while wishing for a million bucks!
Well, in through the door start a progression of ducks with no end in sight... The bartender asks WTF is this?

The man says: I tried to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch "PIANIST"?

 

[Shatosa]

A six-foot termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Liscab]

A six-foot termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Some body explain this one, please

 

[rocketvapor]

Some body explain this one, please

Ummm.....tender, as in "steaks"....get it?

 

[bladeangel87]

termites like wood, I would guess tenderness would be a concern. Not talking about the bartender but the tenderness of the bar, now that I've explained it its not funny anymore

 

[Liscab]

Ummm.....tender, as in "steaks"....get it?

Thanks

termites like wood, I would guess tenderness would be a concern. Not talking about the bartender but the tenderness of the bar, now that I've explained it its not funny anymore

Now it is some kind of funny to me, perhaps in a spoken english it would be easier to me to catch, like bar tender not bartender,but now I am laughing ear to ear

 

[Shatosa]

Liscab, sorry I didn't see your post to respond and explain my joke sooner. Glad you liked it.

 

[Drunkwaco]

so Mike and John redcorn are chatting it up at the water fountian. When mike asks "Hey i'm having a hardtime pleasing my wife, And she seems so decent now. Hey your a ladies man how do you do it?"
John replys " well right before you get in bed with a women you take your junk in hand and you slam it on the dresser as hard as you can. This makes it numb and you can go for hours on end."
So that night Mike sneaks home a little early and quitly goes to his bed room and while his wife is still reading a book in bed he takes his junk and slams it on the table as hard as he can. His wife then calls out due to the noise " John redcorn is that you???"

 

[Ashhead]

Is the "wood' tender like a steak

 

[Drunkwaco]

3 Men stuck at a rushing river
The first man prays to god " please give me the strength to cross this river." puff his arms and legs become huge and and jumps in the river and barely makes it to the other side but almost drowned twice to get there.
The second man seeing this prays to god " Please give me the Strength and the equipment to cross this river" Puff big arms and legs and a boat and he makes it across the river but the boat almost cap sized.
The thrid man seeing this prays to god " Please give me the Strength and the wisdom to cross this river." Puff he turns in to a women and realizes there is a bridge 2 miles north.

 

[Drunkwaco]

Is the "wood' tender like a steak

HAHAHAHA damn sometimes you see something like this and you realize how immature you still are. lol i swear i'm still like 12

 

[Rhetoric Camel]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

 

[Rhetoric Camel]

Figured telling a joke about a lab would be a good reason to post a picture of my dog.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes around back and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport doing undercover security. I'd wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.