What do I say?

[SharonMM]

So my 13 year old daughter asks me the other day, if its ok for her to vape zero nic.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" I told her without hesitation.

"But WHY?" she asks, "if there's no nicotine, and its just water vapor, then what's the problem... It's just water vapor right?"

"Well because..." I answer imploring my brain for a good answer, "you have to be 18. I could go to jail if I gave it for you"

"Well why...its not a controlled substance" she says

How the f does she know anything about "controlled substances" I wonder, as she continues,

"I just don't see what the problem is. It's not bad for you, and if there's no nicotine, and its not addictive, and the flavors sound good; they smell like bakery"

And I'm just like "Yeah but.... but.... No.",as I realize I am totally defeated, and all of this is all my fault. I TOLD her all of the stuff she just said to me, but coming from her its unacceptable. I don't care if vaping isn't bad for her health, I still don't want her to do it, and I will never ever let her. If she does when she is 18 I guess I will just have to tolerate it, but we're not there yet.

So now what are my options now, I can either a) be a total hypocrite and tell her she can't/shouldn't even though I do, or b) tell her it is ok and condone it, and watch my child struggle with the same bad habits that I was too weak to conquer, way back when it could've made a difference in her life...

I should've known there would be a catch with these dang ecigs.. it was just too easy. Though I could have my cake and eat it too, but now I'm eating heaping helping of my own words. What am I going to do? For the time being I'm leaning towards option a) hypocrite, unless someone has a brilliant plan on how to get around it.

 

[scalewiz]

She probably needs to understand the reason it all started in the first place. More than likely your reason for vaping was to leave the stinkies behind. She does not bear the addiction to cigarettes, and really should understand YOUR reasons for vaping. The yummy flavors are just a way for us to enjoy it better than the analog variety; take them away, and many would revert back to cigarettes.

 

[klynnn]

I used to raise holy Hell with my son over smoking. Always they say you are doing it why can't I. Then you sit down and explain how you have been tied to a horrible habit for years and whether you like it or not I will not allow you to become like me. We went through many battles but today he is LE and thanks me. He is so proud of me now but his first question when he saw my syringes and bottles was Mom is that legal. Needless to say I am a diyer.

 

[Heavyrocker]

I wouldnt worry too much if she does vape behind your back,at least its not tobacco,not too much you can do,my 2 cents.

 

[bacc.vap]

I don't know if you've already burned this bridge, but you could point out it's for people who smoked real cigs and are trying to get away from them. A healthier alternative for smokers, but not meant to be a new found habit. I don't know, that''s the best I've got.

 

[SeaTownLassy]

That's a tough one....technically one doesn't have to be 18 to buy anything that doesn't have nic in it, but on the other hand you can explain that many people use ecigs as one of the tools to quit smoking. Since the action of vaping does simulate smoking, she would have to ask herself if the actions would tempt her to start smoking for real when she gets older, and to consider the possibility of nicotine dependence if she ever started. You could even say that the mods look alot like units that are used to smoke illicit substances, and a teen trying to convince a police officer its not a substance vaporizer probably wouldn't go so well. She can't take a mod to school or risk suspension, or risk other kids thinking she's doing drugs. Turn it around on her...and I hate to suggest it, but play on a teens importance of how they appear to their peers (in a positive way, not a negative way)

I don't know....I'm just throwing stuff out there.... Good luck!!

The thing is though, if she's under 18 and living under your roof, your rules are law there.

 

[Absintheur]

Age is the main reason, plus we still are not sure about long term effects. I made a deal with my daughter when she was 14...no drinking/smoking before eighteen and she would get a new car for her birthday. Today she doesn't smoke and really drinks at 28. No child needs a habit it may be hard to break later, even something as innocent seeming as vaping 0 nic. She would still pick up the oral fixation possibly and if vaping is banned would she move to smoking? No one knows. I would just tell her at thirteen she doesn't need a monkey on her back.

Just wait till she is 16 and the car thing starts...lol...and boys...I feel for ya, thank god that is all in my past now.

 

[candimccann]

Tell her that vapor doesn't have the carcinogens, tar, etc. that are in smoke, BUT you are inhaling something other than air/oxygen. It is a supremely better alternative than cigarette smoke, but it's not something you should do just for kicks and giggles.

 

[Dougiestyle]

Admit your inadequacies to your daughter. Tell her, "I'm addicted. I am addicted because I started doing something stupid to be cool. It's really not cool." Threaten violence if need be. Kids usually respond to a slap up-side the head.

 

[RosaJ]

Do you want her to learn all about vaping from someone else? Do you think she won't start vaping or much worse start smoking behind your back? At 13 she's not a baby any more, she's becoming a young adult and there's nothing you can do about it. Be grateful it's just vaping, she may be getting interested in other more "serious" stuff. Do you want her to come to you when she gets in trouble?

She's your daughter not mine. I smoked for more than 40 years and none of my 3 adult children smoke now. The only one that showed interest was my daughter when she was 15. My sister came to me as if it was the end of the world that she caught my daughter smoking behind my back. I immediately took a full pack of cigarettes and confronted my daughter together with my sister. I hugged my daughter and sat her down at the dining table. I gave her the pack of cigarettes and a lighter and asked her to light up. I also told her she didn't have to do it behind my back and I did not consider her a "dope head." Later on in life I asked her if she had continued smoking behind my back because I never saw her smoking. She told me that the whole mystique quickly disappeared after my conversation. And even at that age, she understood the responsibility of facing the consequences of smoking.

Now, I must admit I have an exceptional daughter, and your daughter may not react the same way, but it's worth giving it a try. Do you want her to get used to doing things behind your back?

 

[Renolizzie]

Lots of things in this world are okay for adults to do and not okay for kids to do. It's not hypocritical to point that out.

It isn't hypocritical to point out that you are using the ecig to quit smoking. That you wasted a lot of money, time, effort and a portion of your health on smoking. Now you are wasting money on ecigs but that ecigs are a lot better for you personally than smoking actual cigarettes were.

Don't panic and help your kid to think this through. Why would she spend the money on ecigs when she could spend it on something worth while? How about saving up to own a car? How about pizza and going out with her friends? No one can afford everything they want. How does she really want to spend her money?

 

[Myk]

Tell her she has to smoke for 5 years and get good and addicted before going to an ecig. (I actually do tell that to some of the kids in my life who ask to try it, but I don't like them much )

I don't fully understand the idea of absolutely forbidding kids from vaping. If they want to do something they will. But with the case of vaping she will either steal your nicotine or get cigarettes.
If a kid is completely set on it I would rather see them vape 0mg than smoke.
I would ask her if she's ever planning on smoking. If she says no then I'd say, "Then you have no reason to vape. This is only a better option than smoking. If you want the flavor have some fruit, candy, bakery goods or drinks. If you must smoke, vape instead. If you must vape wait until you're an adult."

I'd also tell her, "We really don't know the long term effects of vaping yet, and we especially don't know the effects on people who started as kids. All we know is it's almost certainly better than cigarettes and I know from experience without vaping I would be smoking. If that's what it takes to keep you (her) from smoking only then would it be an option."
Eventually enough adults will have vaped long term and enough kids will sneak vaping stuff and we will know, but you'd rather she not be that guinea pig.

 

[daleron]

So my 13 year old daughter


"you have to be 18. I could go to jail if I gave it for you"


How does she know anything about "controlled substances" I wonder, as she continues,

"I just don't see what the problem is.

If she does when she is 18 I guess I will just have to tolerate it, but we're not there yet.

a) be a total hypocrite and tell her she can't/shouldn't even though I do, or b) tell her it is ok and condone it, and watch my child struggle with the same bad habits that I was too weak to conquer, way back when it could've made a difference in her life...
.

You're the parent, she's your child, not your best friend; you've pretty much answered your own question with your opening statements
!3 year old kids know way too much for their own good these days & don't have the maturity to handle it properly - so that's your job.
I mean this in the most friendly way possible, I know sometimes things don't sound that way when you can't see someone's face

Oh! And you are definitely NOT a hypocrite!

 

[ScottP]

I would tell her the truth:

First it looks like smoking and no one that sees you do it will know there is no nicotine in it. Since you are under 18 CPS could get called out for me allowing you to smoke or if an officer happens to see you in public it could cause drama that we just do not need. Furthermore if the ANTZ ever found out about it, they could try to use it to try and take away the ability for anyone to use this and then I would be stuck using analogs again. You wouldn't want that for me would you?

Trust me, I also have a 13yr old daughter and they are not as ignorant to the world as we wish they still were. They know more than they even let on most of the time. Being honest with them, can not only help them properly understand, it also builds trust. Lying to them only teaches them that lying is ok.

 

[Litta'sGabby]

As I said in another thread, there are adult things and there are kid things. Until she is legal and on her own, what YOU say goes. If she is 13, your battle is just beginning. Teach her that she needs to look forward to things that she will be able to do when she is an adult. Teach her now that you mean what you say when you say no! I've been there, believe me! As for her asking why, remember you don't have to answer. Simply put: "because I'm the mom" is suffice. I remember when my granddaughter went through her "why" stage. I answered, and answered and answered until I couldn't take it anymore. Eventually I learned to answer once. If she asked why after I explained already, I remained silent. It was sooooo hard! But it worked!

 

[Hippieangst]

Say no and hold your ground. I probably started smoking in the first place because I used to roll up a dollar bill and pretend to smoke on cold days while at the bus stop before middle school. Who knows what doors are opened in our brains with the actions we do.

 

[Orobas]

There isn't a way to "win" with a 13 year old, period. I know my mother didn't win with me, and here I am. Either you try and be sneaky about it, which children pick up upon and decide it must be something awesome they're missing out about, or you're open about it and it becomes normal. The point is they're going to do whatever they decide to do and there's very little point in feeling guilty about it either way, even if they decide to act like it's your fault.

I don't have any constructive advice for you, besides to say that there's a time to reason and a time to ultimatum. This looks like an ultimatum instance.

"It's safer than cigarettes but there may still be risks."
"I'm not buying it for you." (since a 13 year old probably doesn't have a steady income anyway)
"Some people have severe allergic reactions to PG."
"It's meant for people trying to quit smoking."
"It's not a toy."
"Why don't you chew some gum instead if you want flavors."
and last but not least..
"Because I said so."

 

[ScottP]

"Because I said so."

Worst thing to ever tell a teen IMHO. That is what you say but what they hear is: "I have no valid reason for this rule". The rules with "Because" as a reason are the first ones broken when you aren't looking.

 

[RosaJ]

I agree that minors should not smoke, nor vape, nor do a lot of things they do. I have a personal question I would like to pose for you and you don't have to answer it.

Does your daughter have a boyfriend? If not, you know there will come a day when she does. Are you going to tell her not to have sex, or are you going to take her to the doctor to get birth control? Please don't be offended, but you know that day will come. Handle this issue with the vaping the same way you would handle the hypothetical exposure to sex. Again, I'm in no way condoning sex for minors, but after raising two boys and a girl who is now in her mid 40's, I know it happens more often than we'd like to think.

 

[ScottP]

Does your daughter have a boyfriend? If not, you know there will come a day when she does. Are you going to tell her not to have sex, or are you going to take her to the doctor to get birth control? Please don't be offended, but you know that day will come. Handle this issue with the vaping the same way you would handle the hypothetical exposure to sex. Again, I'm in no way condoning sex for minors, but after raising two boys and a girl who is now in her mid 40's, I know it happens more often than we'd like to think.

I allow my 13yr old daughter to have a "boyfriend" at school. She is not allowed to actually "date". I have also told her what the "rules of engagement" are and that the consequence of breaking any of those rules will result in her not being allowed to date until 18. Since I have a history of keeping my promises both the good and the punishment, she KNOWS I am not kidding. I also tell all of her boyfriends that I will remove any part of them that touches any part of her that I don't approve of...and I only approve of holding hands at this point. So far this combo has been quite effective.